In the Spotlight with.. DallasFanForever

[DallasFanForever]

How are you finding being in the spotlight DFF? would you recommend doing it?

* Do you have a favourite day of the year?
* Do you like to daydream?

and finally ..

* What question would you have liked someone to ask you, but they haven't?

Thanks.

Hi ‘Lashes!!
Yes, I’m really enjoying my week in the spotlight. I’m very glad I did this. And I do strongly recommend it. I enjoyed the questions I received and I enjoy telling those stories even more!

At the risk of this sounding egocentric, my favorite day of the year is my birthday. And it’s not about the gifts. I couldn’t care less about that. It’s about the people that care about you reaching out. It’s ur day but other people are as happy as you are and that’s what makes it special. My birthday is a very hard day for me since my mother’s death 13 years ago. For years it just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t even want to celebrate it anymore. But then like everything else in life eventually you have to get back to some kind of normalcy. I know what my birthday meant to her and I know she’d want me to enjoy it. But still to this day I’ll wake up a little depressed on my birthday nonetheless, and then the texts and calls start coming. Family, friends, co workers, my boss, and one by one they pick me up. And I know some of them are reaching out just cause they know I’m down, but that’s okay. They’re reaching out regardless and that’s all that matters.

I daydream a lot. I always have and I always will. That avatar was my dream. And I went after it with everything I had. I built my own field and I was out there every day practicing. It was all I wanted in life. I was out there in the summer heat and I was out there in the dead of winter in the snow. Everyone thought I was nuts; our neighbors, my friends at school, probably even my own mother. But I didn’t care. I went after my dream. And I sacrificed a lot to do it. I didn’t date in high school, I didn’t go to the prom, I lost a lot of friends that saw that all I cared about was playing ball. But I had to do it. 98% of the people I knew said I would never make it and in retrospect they were right. But I didn’t know they were right. Go after ur dreams. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t. Obviously I didn’t get my dream. I was still a teenager when I learned I wouldn’t play baseball ever again. And I was shattered. I locked myself in my house and I wouldn’t come out. I didn’t want to hear all the I told you so’s. But my mom kicked the living sense back into me and showed me that life goes on. And my new dream became helping people. It sounds corny but that’s what I’d tell her I wanted to do. “So go do it,” she said. So I took a job at FedEx, not expecting much. I was still very bitter about losing my dream so I was really difficult and moody. And I had a boss that would say, “You guys deliver dreams.” I’d just roll my eyes cause I thought it was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. I had just lost my dream so I really didn’t care about anyone else’s. And then I went on the road, and I’m delivering medication to a woman that has a sick kid, and I’m delivering a little girls first bike, and I’m delivering someone’s laptop cause the old one crashed, and I’m delivering live animals that need homes, and I’m delivering a woman’s credit card cause she lost the last one, and then I got it. We do deliver dreams. So maybe I didn’t get my first dream, but I did get the second one. I got to help people for a living. And that means more than hitting a baseball. That would’ve helped me, but really no one else. Now I get to help 100 people everyday get what they need. Go after ur dreams. You may not get the one you want. Maybe there’s another dream waiting for you and you just don’t realize it yet. Maybe it falls in ur lap after you lose the first one like I did. But never stop dreaming. Go after ur dreams with everything you’ve got. I never thought I’d find the fulfillment in delivering packages for a living over smacking a baseball, but somehow I did. So maybe that was the plan for me all along.

I’m sorry ‘Lashes, I can’t think of a question that I’d like to be asked that no one has asked yet. But anyone can feel free to ask anything they’d like. As you can see I’m an open book.

 

[thomaswak]

Very, very sorry for your loss. A mother is everything.

 

[Karin Schill]

Yeah I'm sorry for your loss of your mother too @DallasFanForever

Since you're a dreamer, I am wondering if you were a Dallas character that was stuck in Pam's nightmare, which character would you chose to be?

@Long Lashes let us know if you want your turn in the spotlight too. I think you might enjoy it!

 

[DallasFanForever]

Very, very sorry for your loss. A mother is everything.

Thank you for saying that! I guess so many of us have unfortunately lost our mother and to me it’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt. I talked about sitting on the couch with her watching Swan Song earlier but I kind of held back a little. I left something out cause I wasn’t sure I could talk about it but I think I can now. As I said, my mother was very ill when I was growing up. She got sick when she was pregnant with me and really never recovered. And I grew up blaming myself for it. I never told her, but I’d sit there and look across that couch at her and all I wanted to say was I’m sorry for making you sick. But I never said it. I just figured it would only make her feel guilty and she was dealing with enough. But the night Swan Song aired she was having one of her good days. She was feeling terrific that night and we were all alone just the two of us, no one else around. No caretaker, no nurses, not her parents, no one. And for us that was rare. And that’s the real reason I love Swan Song so much. It’s just not because it’s the best Dallas episode ever imo, but more to do with my mom. She fought hard for 33 years to get better, but it just wasn’t going to happen for her. And eventually she gave up. It was her choice. It happens. It’s a hard thing to live with but I have to remember she was sick 33 years and that’s a long time. If I was sick that long I might’ve felt the same way. I was mad at her a long time for choosing to die but holding onto all that bitterness and anger helps no one. It almost destroyed me. I’m not going to let a bad decision at the end of her life define who she was. She was an incredible mother. She would never hurt me intentionally. She just got tired, tired of fighting and she couldn’t fight anymore. And I have to always remember that.

 

[DallasFanForever]

Yeah I'm sorry for your loss of your mother too @DallasFanForever

Since you're a dreamer, I am wondering if you were a Dallas character that was stuck in Pam's nightmare, which character would you chose to be?

@Long Lashes let us know if you want your turn in the spotlight too. I think you might enjoy it!

I apologize if my last post turned things a little negative for anyone. I hope it didn’t. I’m looking back on some of my posts and I don’t want to give the impression I’ve had a terrible life cause I really haven’t. I have a lot to be thankful for, trust me.

Karin, if I was stuck in Pam’s nightmare I’d try to find a way out very quickly. But if I had to pick a character in her dream to be it would be Bobby. I know he’s not in 99% of the season but let’s face it, the entire season revolves around his death and I guess I’d be fascinated with knowing what everyone was saying about me after I’m gone. I’d like to see who’s missing me the most and who’s glad I’m gone. Not to mention that I’d have two very beautiful women mourning for me every day. That helps too!

 

[DallasFanForever]

And not to put any pressure on the answer either way, but I for one would love to see @Long Lashes in the spotlight!! But I’ll shut up now cause it’s none of my business and I really don’t want to make her angry.

 

[Karin Schill]

@DallasFanForever I know kids blame themselves for stuff that weren't their fault. You may have realized it a long time ago but don't blame yourself for your mother's illness. It was not your fault your mother got sick. She chose to have you and she wouldn't have done that if she hadn't loved you.

Also you have made me curious. This is a personal question and sensitive but I am wondering what illness your mother was struggling with?

 

[DallasFanForever]

@DallasFanForever I know kids blame themselves for stuff that weren't their fault. You may have realized it a long time ago but don't blame yourself for your mother's illness. It was not your fault your mother got sick. She chose to have you and she wouldn't have done that if she hadn't loved you.

Also you have made me curious. This is a personal question and sensitive but I am wondering what illness your mother was struggling with?

Thank you Karin!! You don’t know how much I appreciate hearing that. When I do look back on my childhood now I know that her illness wasn’t my fault. I just wish i knew it then. It was a tough way to grow up, feeling guilty all the time. But as a kid, let’s face it, it’s easy to bottle those feelings up and not say anything. It’s a conversation we probably should’ve had at some point but we never did.

Her illness on its own was not a fatal one. It was epilepsy. She would get seizures and fall a lot and pass out. But it wasn’t a death sentence. Millions of people live with it and have pretty normal lives. But my mom took it as the end of the world. Her parents and even I tried to get her to get in programs with people just like her where she could realize she wasn’t the only person with a disease but she’d never go along with it. She wasn’t great with taking her medicine and she refused to be on a special diet. She refused counseling and therapy cause back then a lot of people felt like “that’s for crazy people.” It was tough on all of us just having to stand by and watch but you can’t force people to get help. They have to want it. Her whole life was about having a baby and she had miscarriages before me, her only child. My siblings are from a different mother so I was her life. She was 37 when I was born and back then that was late to have a child. She thought it would never happen for her. And she was so weak when I was born, getting those seizures and falling every day. She couldn’t do much with me. She couldn’t change a diaper or give me a bottle or even pick me up and hold me. And that’s gotta be a tough thing for a mother. You waited 37 years to have ur dream and now it’s here but you can’t even have it the way you’d like. “Don’t pick up the baby, you’ll drop him, you’ll hurt him, you’re sick, let us raise him for you,” it had to be hard on her. So what did she do? I found out years later that she’d wait til everyone in the house was asleep and grab her blanket and pillow and go lay on the floor next to my crib. And she didn’t move. Maybe she couldn’t have her dream the way she wanted, maybe she couldn’t hold it in her arms but no one was gonna stop her from laying next to it. No matter who was raising me, I belonged to her and she made that very clear to everyone.

But the illness and the fact that it went largely untreated the right way took its toll, and I watched her retreat into a shell that she never left. She never dated again, she had no friends, she hardly ever left the house other than to go to the store or run errands, and there was nothing anyone could do.And she was a beautiful woman. When she was younger she looked just like Marilyn Monroe. Its easy to sit here and say I should’ve done more, we all should’ve done more, we should’ve been tougher with her and put our foot down harder, but when you love the person and ur with them every day it’s easy to get sidetracked. She needed professional help. And the bottom line was she would never do that. There were times I resented loving her so much cause I felt guilty about not helping her more. I enabled her to live in that shell, but she just didn’t want to leave it.

And eventually, after 33 years of feeling that way, she decided she had had enough. I saw things her last few days that I’ll never forget as long as I live. I have to live with those images forever. But I can never hate her for what she did. I can’t even resent her for not getting the help she needed. I tried to, but I can’t. The truth is I love her more now than I ever did, and I always will. My favorite human being ever to walk this planet.

 

[the-lost-son]

Thank you Karin!! You don’t know how much I appreciate hearing that. When I do look back on my childhood now I know that her illness wasn’t my fault. I just wish i knew it then. It was a tough way to grow up, feeling guilty all the time. But as a kid, let’s face it, it’s easy to bottle those feelings up and not say anything. It’s a conversation we probably should’ve had at some point but we never did.

Her illness on its own was not a fatal one. It was epilepsy. She would get seizures and fall a lot and pass out. But it wasn’t a death sentence. Millions of people live with it and have pretty normal lives. But my mom took it as the end of the world. Her parents and even I tried to get her to get in programs with people just like her where she could realize she wasn’t the only person with a disease but she’d never go along with it. She wasn’t great with taking her medicine and she refused to be on a special diet. She refused counseling and therapy cause back then a lot of people felt like “that’s for crazy people.” It was tough on all of us just having to stand by and watch but you can’t force people to get help. They have to want it. Her whole life was about having a baby and she had miscarriages before me, her only child. My siblings are from a different mother so I was her life. She was 37 when I was born and back then that was late to have a child. She thought it would never happen for her. And she was so weak when I was born, getting those seizures and falling every day. She couldn’t do much with me. She couldn’t change a diaper or give me a bottle or even pick me up and hold me. And that’s gotta be a tough thing for a mother. You waited 37 years to have ur dream and now it’s here but you can’t even have it the way you’d like. “Don’t pick up the baby, you’ll drop him, you’ll hurt him, you’re sick, let us raise him for you,” it had to be hard on her. So what did she do? I found out years later that she’d wait til everyone in the house was asleep and grab her blanket and pillow and go lay on the floor next to my crib. And she didn’t move. Maybe she couldn’t have her dream the way she wanted, maybe she couldn’t hold it in her arms but no one was gonna stop her from laying next to it. No matter who was raising me, I belonged to her and she made that very clear to everyone.

But the illness and the fact that it went largely untreated the right way took its toll, and I watched her retreat into a shell that she never left. She never dated again, she had no friends, she hardly ever left the house other than to go to the store or run errands, and there was nothing anyone could do.And she was a beautiful woman. When she was younger she looked just like Marilyn Monroe. Its easy to sit here and say I should’ve done more, we all should’ve done more, we should’ve been tougher with her and put our foot down harder, but when you love the person and ur with them every day it’s easy to get sidetracked. She needed professional help. And the bottom line was she would never do that. There were times I resented loving her so much cause I felt guilty about not helping her more. I enabled her to live in that shell, but she just didn’t want to leave it.

And eventually, after 33 years of feeling that way, she decided she had had enough. I saw things her last few days that I’ll never forget as long as I live. I have to live with those images forever. But I can never hate her for what she did. I can’t even resent her for not getting the help she needed. I tried to, but I can’t. The truth is I love her more now than I ever did, and I always will. My favorite human being ever to walk this planet.

Thanks for sharing this very personal, touching part of your life.
“So it's true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

 

[DallasFanForever]

Thanks for sharing this very personal, touching part of your life.
“So it's true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.”

Yes, that is very true! Grief always comes with love at some point. They are often one and the same, at least that’s how it’s always been with my life. I guess the important question is is the love stronger than the grief or does the grief outweigh the love? And with her it’s not even close for me. I’ll take all the grief she gave me for that love.

 

[thomaswak]

Thank you for saying that! I guess so many of us have unfortunately lost our mother and to me it’s the worst thing I’ve ever felt. I talked about sitting on the couch with her watching Swan Song earlier but I kind of held back a little. I left something out cause I wasn’t sure I could talk about it but I think I can now. As I said, my mother was very ill when I was growing up. She got sick when she was pregnant with me and really never recovered. And I grew up blaming myself for it. I never told her, but I’d sit there and look across that couch at her and all I wanted to say was I’m sorry for making you sick. But I never said it. I just figured it would only make her feel guilty and she was dealing with enough. But the night Swan Song aired she was having one of her good days. She was feeling terrific that night and we were all alone just the two of us, no one else around. No caretaker, no nurses, not her parents, no one. And for us that was rare. And that’s the real reason I love Swan Song so much. It’s just not because it’s the best Dallas episode ever imo, but more to do with my mom. She fought hard for 33 years to get better, but it just wasn’t going to happen for her. And eventually she gave up. It was her choice. It happens. It’s a hard thing to live with but I have to remember she was sick 33 years and that’s a long time. If I was sick that long I might’ve felt the same way. I was mad at her a long time for choosing to die but holding onto all that bitterness and anger helps no one. It almost destroyed me. I’m not going to let a bad decision at the end of her life define who she was. She was an incredible mother. She would never hurt me intentionally. She just got tired, tired of fighting and she couldn’t fight anymore. And I have to always remember that.

I can relate so much, than I cried reading you. I really hope you will find inner peace. You were guilty of nothing. The loss of mother will always be painful but you don't have to hold any self blame.

 

[Long Lashes]

Yes, I’m really enjoying my week in the spotlight. I’m very glad I did this. And I do strongly recommend it. I enjoyed the questions I received and I enjoy telling those stories even more!

Its been really enjoyable reading all your stories and thoughts, you've put a lot of time into your replies and its very much appreciated.

My birthday is a very hard day for me since my mother’s death 13 years ago. For years it just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t even want to celebrate it anymore. But then like everything else in life eventually you have to get back to some kind of normalcy. I know what my birthday meant to her and I know she’d want me to enjoy it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, your Mother must've been so proud of you and its an honour to hear about her. Thank you.

I daydream a lot. I always have and I always will. That avatar was my dream.

I've so enjoyed hearing about your own 'Field Of Dreams' and can picture you working for and passionately believing in your goal for all those years. Its fascinating in how this led you onto what you do today. This would also make a great movie too ... I do mean this.

But never stop dreaming. Go after ur dreams with everything you’ve got.

My thoughts exactly

I’m sorry ‘Lashes, I can’t think of a question that I’d like to be asked that no one has asked yet.

That's no problem, it was a tricky question.

I've loved reading this thread and wish you could carry on for another week ... although you now deserve a good rest. Thank you DFF.

 

[DallasFanForever]

Its been really enjoyable reading all your stories and thoughts, you've put a lot of time into your replies and its very much appreciated.



I'm so sorry for your loss, your Mother must've been so proud of you and its an honour to hear about her. Thank you.



I've so enjoyed hearing about your own 'Field Of Dreams' and can picture you working for and passionately believing in your goal for all those years. Its fascinating in how this led you onto what you do today. This would also make a great movie too ... I do mean this.



My thoughts exactly



That's no problem, it was a tricky question.

I've loved reading this thread and wish you could carry on for another week ... although you now deserve a good rest. Thank you DFF.

‘Lashes, thank you for everything you’ve said. You’re a very sweet person but I knew that long before this thread. I have enjoyed doing this thread as much as you’ve enjoyed reading it, believe me. And I honestly wish it didn’t have to end.

I am a very private person. I know that might be hard to believe considering how I’ve opened up this week but it’s true. I live alone and I do carry some scars from some of the things I’ve been through. But I’m okay. I take life one day at a time.

I just hope my stories didn’t bring anyone else down cause that’s really what I was concerned about. I like sharing these things cause I think they can help others, but I apologize if it got a little too serious at times.

If my mother taught me one thing it’s to laugh. She was always laughing, and I couldn’t understand that. How could this woman laugh given her situation? And back then I was way too serious for a teenager. I never laughed. I was too wrapped up in myself and chasing my dream to enjoy what really mattered. And she would just do anything to make me laugh. She’d torture me with wisecracks til she finally cracked me up. She’d pick on all of my childhood crushes on TV, she’d pick on my baseball skills, she’d pick on the Yankees, she’d laugh at everything I did just to get me to start laughing and not be so serious. And that was the irony of the whole thing. I should’ve been the one providing the laughter, not the other way around. So my sense of humor that I have now ironically came from her, a person that more often than not had very little to laugh about.

 

[Karin Schill]

Thank you for sharing the story about your mother @DallasFanForever
I think talking about things like that can definitely help others. So I think it was brave of you to open up. I knew a girl when I was a teenager who got epilepsy. It was really hard for her so I think I can sympathize with what your mom went through. She was a brave woman to fight for her dream and make the most of her life despite her illness. She sounds like a great person. Also you have nothing to apologize about. It's good to have a serious conversation at times. Finally I think we all carry our own scars from life.

 

[DallasFanForever]

I was gonna wait to type this but it’s Sunday night and I know I’m gonna pass out at some point so I’ll say it now. I wanna thank @Ome @Brian Kinney @The Lovely Sue Ellen @superman fan @the-lost-son @bmasters9 @Biggie @Angela Channing @Lastkidpicked and @thomaswak for all ur questions and for participating in this thread. I honestly enjoyed doing this more than I ever thought I would.

@Karin Schill ur kind words and encouragement helped me through my story more than once. I always smile when I’m reading a thread and you pop up to post something. And this thread was no different. It wouldn’t have been the same without you.

And a very special thank you to @Long Lashes and @Michelle Stevens. I adore you both, and that’s all that needs to be said. I can’t count how many times you’ve both made me laugh in the last 8 months, whether it was after a long day at work or on a night when maybe I was feeling a little down. You’re two of the nicest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of chatting with.

There’s one other person I need to thank. This person did not post on this thread and that’s okay. She’s very private and I respect that cause I’m the same way. The day I joined this site back in September she sent me a private message, just welcoming me aboard and starting up a simple chat about Dallas. And 8 months later we’re still chatting every single day. She knows what I do for a living, and wishes me well every day and to be safe. We talk about our shows and she recaps them for me sometimes cause she knows I might be too busy to watch them, and I swear in some cases her reviews are better than the shows themselves. She makes me laugh every single day.

I’m gonna shut up now cause I know if ur reading this I’ll probably be dead soon, but you’re a credit to this site, and ur a pleasure to have in my life. I just hope you do read this part cause it was a lot to type and it’s hard to get you over here without using ur username.

Like I said earlier in this thread, I have a flaw. I get very attached to the people that enter my life. And that’s what has happened now with so many of you. I spend more time on this site and chatting with some of you than I do my own family, and I’m not ashamed of that.

Thank you all again,
DFF

 

[Ome]

A big thank you to everyone who took part in this thread
and to DallasFanForever for sharing with us a special part of his life.

I hope you enjoyed this week as much as everyone else did.

We have had some fantastic questions, with equally impressive answers.​