Outsider Interference

[Sarah]

I sound like JR but here goes.

This woman (friend of my mum's) has been in our lives for 16 years and at the start I thought she was normal. Now she shows up everywhere that we go, interferes with everything, is always the hero when it comes to helping and will turn on the waterworks in front of my family if she thinks I'm putting her in her place (ie simple things like politely telling her that it's family business and that I will handle it). So far whenever I've needed a place to live, a new car etc, instead of letting me do it myself, she miraculously turns up with the solution and if I say no, my mum thinks I'm being rude. So now I'm living in a house she found and driving a car that she found. When we go to visit relatives, they ask how SHE is, and I'm lucky if they even ask how I am. I find her manipulative, not at all a genuine person and I am so tired of it that it is making me ill. I feel like I'm not good enough and that no matter how hard I try that she is better and will come up with better ideas, solutions etc. There are absolutely no boundaries with her - she will walk in without annoucing she's coming in the middle of family meals, she sits with us at family funerals - as she is herself a minister, she is quite often asked to do the funerals and will cry her eyes out while performing the ceremony - and on more than one occasion she has kissed the coffin of a close friend or relative of mine that she doesn't even really know (meaning she's the last person to touch them). She has also made sure that all my mum's friends are now her friends and quite often will be invited to occasions of people that I have known my entire life, but I will be missed off the invite list.

She has been nasty and rude to me out of my mum's earshot on more than one occasion, but if I raise it, I am criticised because she is, apparently, a saint. It is really damaging my self esteem. I feel like just telling them all to go and shove it. I don't find her behaviour at all normal or acceptable - can anyone else see what I mean? I'm just thoroughly done with the situation.

 

[Ms Southworth]

I sound like JR but here goes.

This woman (friend of my mum's) has been in our lives for 16 years and at the start I thought she was normal. Now she shows up everywhere that we go, interferes with everything, is always the hero when it comes to helping and will turn on the waterworks in front of my family if she thinks I'm putting her in her place (ie simple things like politely telling her that it's family business and that I will handle it). So far whenever I've needed a place to live, a new car etc, instead of letting me do it myself, she miraculously turns up with the solution and if I say no, my mum thinks I'm being rude. So now I'm living in a house she found and driving a car that she found. When we go to visit relatives, they ask how SHE is, and I'm lucky if they even ask how I am. I find her manipulative, not at all a genuine person and I am so tired of it that it is making me ill. I feel like I'm not good enough and that no matter how hard I try that she is better and will come up with better ideas, solutions etc. There are absolutely no boundaries with her - she will walk in without annoucing she's coming in the middle of family meals, she sits with us at family funerals - as she is herself a minister, she is quite often asked to do the funerals and will cry her eyes out while performing the ceremony - and on more than one occasion she has kissed the coffin of a close friend or relative of mine that she doesn't even really know (meaning she's the last person to touch them). She has also made sure that all my mum's friends are now her friends and quite often will be invited to occasions of people that I have known my entire life, but I will be missed off the invite list.

She has been nasty and rude to me out of my mum's earshot on more than one occasion, but if I raise it, I am criticised because she is, apparently, a saint. It is really damaging my self esteem. I feel like just telling them all to go and shove it. I don't find her behaviour at all normal or acceptable - can anyone else see what I mean? I'm just thoroughly done with the situation.

@Sarah: Let me start off and give you a big hug! I think that you need it!

If I were you, I'd be going mad as well!

A few words of advice:
a) You can't change other people! You can only change yourself.
b) You can choose to distance yourself from your mom's friend, but you can't decide whether or not she will be a part of your mom's life.
c) Consider finding another house on your own (without any help from others), so you can feel more "liberated" (and not have the "ghost" of your mom's friend hanging around). Also consider finding another car for the same reasons.

As you take small steps to stand on your own feet, I think that your self-esteem and selfworth will begin to grow. You will feel a sense of accomplishment! And the strength that you've carried within yourself all along will appear!

Maybe spending less time with your family for a while can help you find your inner strength? Perhaps you have friends that you can spend more time with? :cooler: Don't forget that good friends are the family that you've chosen yourself (and not the family you were born with)!

Best of luck with everything! I'll be thinking of you and praying for you to "break free"!

 

[Alexis]

I really think you need to politely distance yourself from this woman. I know it's a bit hard as she is your mum's friend an likely to be places you want to go. Though if I was you I'd just avoid her at all cost. Politely decline her offers of help, explaining that you are already sorting any issues yourself or that your friends are helping you.

To me it sounds that she could be a very lonely person who has been shown some kindness by your family. That often leads to confusion with lonely people. People who haven't had attention them often make more of it when someone is kind to them. She feels your family are her family. The only way I could think of to stop that is to add distance. It may seem cruel but I would speak to your mum about it, explaining how you feel and try and get her to see what you mean. And to get your mum to add a bit of distance too.

 

[Sarah]

I really appreciate the replies you guys thank you. It's just gone from bad to worse. She stood in my family home on Wed evening saying 'I have been through hell' etc because my sister is dying - and I'm like - well shouldn't you go and be with her then?! She screamed at me while my mum sat and watched, then she stormed out. I've tried to talk to my mum but believe me this woman may as well have wings and a halo. I am ALWAYS wrong. So I'm going to distance myself from all of them for a while, as much as it hurts me. I need to feel valued too.

PS Is it wrong to feel this way? It's making me uber sensitive to everything else as well and paranoid. Would you guys feel this way if someone was always in your family business?

 

[Ms Southworth]

@Sarah: No, I don't think that there's anything wrong with you feeling the way you do at this time!

Right now, you're in so deep and hurting so much that it must seem like the world is caving in. You're super-sensitive to everything and everyone who's involved in this family situation. And with good reason!

That's exactly why you need to distance yourself for a while! Not only do I think that it would be a good choice for you, but I also think that it will give your mom some space to think things through!

You may consider writing your mom a letter explaining your position. It will allow you to tell her what you need to say without any interruptions! And your mom will have time to reflect on things before talking to you about it!

When you and your mom do have a talk, make sure to do in private - without anyone else present!

Best of luck to you!

 

[Sarah]

Thanks @Ms Southworth - I haven't seen them for a week now and don't intend to. Believe me I have tried to explain to my mum but whatever power this evil woman has is just taking over everything. Even other relatives of mine have said 'she is taking over your lives'. She is SO manipulative but because she wears a dog collar (minister) she gets away with everyone thinking she's a saint. I just feel worthless. To me, family is family - yes friends are welcome, but family business is family business. I'm tired of feeling like the bad one in the family when I do so much for everyone. No one is taking care of me and no one seems to want to. I think if I disappeared, no one would even notice or care.

 

[Ms Southworth]

I'm sorry to hear that you feel you're invisible in regards to your family, @Sarah!

It hasn't been like that always, right? Based on the little that I've been able to pick up about your family, it seems like you live very close to each other and also spend an aweful lot of time together (which can be a blessing ... but also a pain the b...).

Right now, the situation seems very tense, so it'll do you good to get a break from all the family trouble! It's bound to affect your blood pressure and heart rate negatively to pretty much constantly be on the defense! Eventually it even can make you physically sick with heart trouble and stress, so I'm glad to hear that you've put them in a "pause mode"! Have you talked to your family on the phone, or has there been complete "silence" for the past week?

I'll be praying for you to stay strong and find your own way in the "mess" that you currently find yourself in! I hope that a time will come soon, when you're able to sit down and have a meaningful conversation with your loved ones! :wink@

Love will lead you back, you know! And I hope that your family feels the same way!

 

[KayLloyd]

Aww Sarah, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with all of the toxicity from Inappropriately Intrusive Manipulative Nellie that your mom has allowed into your lives. I am in the same boat, my mom has allowed my dad's psychotically manipulative former co-worker and her equally disturbed child to become inappropriately entangled in our lives and my dad has not has not stepped up to put an end to it.

The best advice that I can give is to set your own boundaries with the woman; she's not welcome in your home, change the subject when others start talking about her, ignore her, and block her phone number. I read a really helpful book called Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You by Albert Bernstein. And I'll pass along a tip that I received from a psychic: write the woman's name on a piece of paper, put the paper in a cup, fill the cup with water, and say a prayer asking for her toxicity to be driven from your life as you place the cup in the back of your freezer.

I wish you strength and courage!

 

[Sarah]

@KayLloyd thank you so much for the response - you're absolutely right. I've had to kind of concede defeat on this one as it was damaging my already fragile health. She just seems to have 'something', that I don't have and I don't know what it is...she always always wins and is never EVER wrong. I'm just trying to create a life for myself away from it, but am hurt and angry that it has to be this way. I mean there is friendship and then there is someone who just takes over and gets her way - every time! I hope your situation sorts itself out too - there's nothing as hurtful as feeling inferior to someone who isn't even family!

 

[KayLloyd]

@KayLloyd thank you so much for the response - you're absolutely right. I've had to kind of concede defeats on this one as it was damaging my already fragile health. She just seems to have 'something', that I don't have and I don't know what it is...she always always wins and is never EVER wrong. I'm just trying to create a life for myself away from it, but am hurt and angry that it has to be this way. I mean there is friendship and then there is someone who just takes over and gets her way - every time! I hope your situation sorts itself out too - there's nothing as hurtful as feeling inferior to someone who isn't even family!

You are so welcome Sarah! It's unimaginable and devastating when your own mother cares more about the feelings of someone else's child than yours. Know that there is nothing wrong with you, your mother is incapable of recognizing that you are worth far more than any friendship is.

Thank you, very much, I appreciate that! The psychic reassured me that although the next couple of months will be rough, she did see the crazy dingbat and her spawn being gone from our lives for good. They will make one final attempt to suck us back in, but they won't be successful.

Another suggestion from the psychic that has brought me a lot of inner peace was creating a small angel altar in my home with things that have special meaning to me. I used a pretty little table that belonged to my Nana and I placed my bible that has a lovely cover that was counted stitched by my other Gramma in the middle. I put pictures of both sets of my grandparents, my Godparents, my angel kitty, and a carved angel that my cousin gave me as a house warming gift around the bible. The table sits next to a rocking chair and I feel a sense of calm come over me when I sit there for a minute or two and talk to my angels about helping me on my path.

I hope that you're able to find some inner peace too. You deserve it!

 

[Sarah]

I have to add I do love my mum more than anything and she is very good to me - I just didn't expect things to turn out like this after I lost my dad. Mum says I am the most important thing but I have never understood why this woman holds so much influence.

You have an angel kitty too? I have 2 That sounds absolutely beautiful - I might try that myself.....I'm giving myself a very hard time at the minute...everyone I know is having babies and although I have my precious animals, I don't have a human baby. Feel like I've really messed up my life.

 

[KayLloyd]

I have to add I do love my mum more than anything and she is very good to me - I just didn't expect things to turn out like this after I lost my dad. Mum says I am the most important thing but I have never understood why this woman holds so much influence.

You have an angel kitty too? I have 2 That sounds absolutely beautiful - I might try that myself.....I'm giving myself a very hard time at the minute...everyone I know is having babies and although I have my precious animals, I don't have a human baby. Feel like I've really messed up my life.

The influence is difficult to understand and so frustrating.

I have two angel kitties too! My favorite is the one whose picture I put in the special angel frame, but shhh, don't tell the other .

Thanks, good, hope that helps! Your life path may be different from your friends, but it can still be very fufiling. Be good to yourself and do things that make you happy!

 

[Rove]

A few words of advice:
a) You can't change other people! You can only change yourself.

How true this is. Sarah I suggest you place some distance between yourself and your family. Do something different in your life that you wouldn't do normally. Many years ago as I was struggling with work commitments, a new boss that took great pleasure in bullying everyone and a demanding home life, a work mate invited me to try rock climbing. Now I've never had a fear of heights but this was certainly out of my comfort zone. I'm not talking about climbing Mount Everest here but local cliff faces for amateurs. What a breath of fresh air - literally. It taught me to be focused and gain some fitness at the same time.

I'm not suggesting anything as extreme as this, but finding an interest away from family can work wonders.

 

[Sarah]

Thank you @Rove - I do have a fascination with Everest and would love to see it, but not climb it!

Thanks for the advice, I am trying to do different things and am enjoying the gym very much at the minute!