EastEnders Who called who what and when

[James from London]

Oct 95. Phil calls Liam a wind up merchant. Liam calls Nigel a fat drunken ponce. Nigel calls himself a growing lad. Michelle calls herself a total prat. Michelle calls Albert Square a dump and Walford an even bigger dump. Pauline calls Michelle a selfish little madam who her whole life has never shown any consideration for anyone but herself. Gary calls Michelle a damn good housing officer. Grant calls Michelle a rabbit in a trap, a bit like bacteria and stupid. Michelle calls Grant a liar, a coward, a bastard, an East End thug, a bit of rough who loves himself more than anything and a kid who's never got away from his mother's apron strings. Robbie calls Grant a psychopath and a maniac. Alan calls Grant a diabolical liberty taker. Tiffany calls Grant pathetic, no better than an animal and not even that good in bed. Grant calls Tiffany a brainless idiot, bad news and unfit to speak Sharon's name. Tiffany calls the Vic a scuzzy old boozer full of sad people. Tiffany calls Ricky a stupid half-witted pig. Pauline calls Martin a naughty disobedient little boy. Pauline calls Ted a piece of rubbish. Alan calls Pauline a raging loony. Grant and Wellard impregnate Michelle and Freda the greyhound. Michelle leaves forever in the back of a cab. Sonia plays the trumpet.

Jun 03. Big Mo calls Jim an old git. Alfie calls Big Mo an old trollop. Dennis calls Pauline a silly old cow. Dennis calls Vicki a silly cow and a chip off the old block. Pauline calls Vicki a nightmare. Sharon calls Vicki pregnant. Sharon calls Dennis one of them chameleons and a really bad influence. Paul calls Billy a big girl's blouse and a doughnut. Kat calls Alfie a big geisha girl and a plonker. Billy calls Alfie a mug who lets Kat get away with murder. Kat calls herself a drunk old slapper and insanely besotted with Alfie. Alfie calls himself a right plonker and one hundred percent mad about Kat. Kat calls coq-a-vin sex in a lorry. Alfie calls Nana Moon a bit eccentric. Ash calls Martin scum. Martin calls Tariq scum. Tariq calls Martin a moron. Asif calls Tariq a total plonker. Tariq calls Asif a plonker and a dog. Asif calls himself our guide to all things subcontinental. Ash calls Tariq the dregs and a creep. Martin calls Kareena well fit. Kareena calls Martin so smug it makes her sick. Spencer calls Kareena Asian. Kat calls Dennis a scum bag. Phil calls Dennis a scum bag and a half-wit. Dennis calls Phil a Teletubby. Phil calls Brazil a long way to go for an ear bashing. Dennis calls Kate a policewoman with a weakness for bad boys. Phil calls Kate the best thing that's happened to him and a cheap little scrubber. Phil calls Fake Sam Mum Mark II. Ash punches Tariq. Phil punches Dennis. Kate slaps Phil. Admiral Piett from The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi throws a tomato at a policeman. Cherie Blair's dad gives Alfie a condom.

 

[James from London]

Jun 13. Poppy calls Peter a young Paul Newman. Lauren calls Peter all confident and manly. Peter calls Lauren out of control. Peter calls Lucy a real cow. Lauren calls Tanya a sad dried-up old cow with nothing better to do than make the rest of our lives as miserable as hers. Roxy calls Lauren completely yellow. Dr Farley calls Lauren an alcoholic with serious liver damage. Lucy calls Lauren a sad little alcoholic, the love of Peter's life and a slapper. Shirley calls Sharon a blonde slapper. Phil calls Sharon a mess. Tanya calls Kirsty some drunken mess on the doorstep. Tanya calls herself a storage facility for Lauren's shoes. Tanya calls Max her drug, her sickness and dad of the year. Roxy calls Alfie the best dad in the world. Michael calls himself a dad twice over without children. Michael calls Janine revolting, grotesque and intransigent. Michael calls Alice sexy, obtuse and deluded. Alice calls Janine a good person. Abi calls herself a horrible person. Lauren calls herself a responsible person. Dot calls church warden a very responsible post. Reverend Stevens calls Dot one of our most trusted parishioners. Masood calls Carol one of the hottest women he's met. Kim calls Dot one of Walford's most respectable, and indeed respected, citizens. Kim calls Kim's Palace a well-respected establishment and an asset to the area. Danny calls Le Square a real asset to this part of London. Ian calls Le Square a little sanctuary in the heart of Walford where bills and stress and work don't exist. Janine calls Le Square Scarlett's. Carl calls Scarlett's a house of fine dining with a selection of fine wines, expensive silverware and exotic linens with which to wipe your sated lips. Carl calls Derek one of those characters you just think are going to live forever. Kirsty calls Carl someone you don't want in your life. Kirsty calls herself a domestic goddess. Kim calls herself a great pillow of the community. Reverend Stevens calls Kim a charming woman. Reverend Stevens calls pulpits by their very nature hierarchical.

 

[James from London]

Jul 03. Patrick calls Pat Aphrodite in an apron. Dan calls Pat a little robust for his taste. Pat calls Ian a poisonous little toad. Fake Sam calls Ian a control freak. Adi calls Dan a control freak. Dan calls Adi a sly dog. Martin calls Joanne a dog. Adi calls Joanne a bit tarty. Tariq calls Joanne a minger. Tariq calls Kelly a slag. Ash calls Tariq stupid. Kareena calls Tariq a Muslim. Zoe calls Tariq a slime ball and a pillock. Madhur Jaffrey calls Tariq unreliable, devious and a parasite. Madhur Jaffrey calls Dan a weak man. Ash calls Madhur Jaffrey completely mad. Kareena calls Ash sick, ill and a liar. Ash calls Shirley very attractive. Dan calls Shirley a delightful person. Ronny calls Shirley quite fit. Zoe calls Ronny boring. Zoe calls Asif a pillock. Martin calls Asif soft and a muppet. Alfie calls Nana Moon a little sneak, a dirty floozy and a dozy mare. Nana Moon calls Alfie a saucebox. Alfie calls Kat a saucy bird and the most special person he's ever known. Kat calls herself a girl who can't say no. Alfie calls himself a completely stupid useless idiot. Phil calls Alfie's kimono a bit unconventional. Phil calls The Sound of Music not really his sort of film. Kate calls Phil Adolf. Sharon calls the Teletubbies four oversized baby things on a hill frolicking with a telescope. Jack calls Sharon a liar. Dennis calls Phil a liar and a mug. Jack calls Phil a nasty piece of work. Jack calls Dennis vermin, a punk and the nearest to a son he ever had. Dennis calls Jack as good as dead. Minty calls Jack a psycho. DCI Marsden calls Jack a ruthless man. DCI Marsden calls Phil a cheap bully. Kat calls Garry a little worm. Lynne calls Garry a stuck record. Zoe calls Kelly a stuck CD, a born again virgin and Princess Perfect. Kelly calls herself a thief, a tart and a prostitute. Janine calls herself a dab hand with a chamois leather. Barry calls Janine the one person he trusts. Janine calls Barry not exactly the brightest bulb in the box. Paul calls Barry a nice bloke but also a stupid one. Kat slaps Dr Trueman. Dennis kills Jack. Laura gives birth to a bouncing Bobby Beale. Dr Trueman leaves Walford to become a contestant on Soapstar Superstar.

 

[James from London]

Nov 95. Ian calls his new chip shop Cindy's. Cindy calls Ian selfish, awful, pathetic, horrible, totally self centred and a pig. David calls Ian the most boring husband in the world. David calls Cindy a flaming labrador. Cindy calls David too selfish to care about anyone but himself. Cindy calls herself a silly little tart. Cindy calls Phil and Kathy's unborn child Damien from The Omen. Grant calls Robbie Barbara Woodhouse and a dipstick. Grant calls Nigel an unemployed suicidal single parent. Arthur calls Pauline an Exocet missile. Gita calls Arthur the next mayor of Walford. Pat calls being in love the best thing in the world. Ted calls Pat hard as nails. Sonia calls her trumpet rubbish. Felix calls Sonia's trumpet an instrument to be proud of. Sonia calls Felix weird and a pervert. Arthur takes Pauline to see The Seventh Seal. Arthur gets arrested. Freda's pups are stillborn. Ian grows a moustache.

 

[James from London]

is watching Enders Feb 07. Li calls Preeti Tweetie. Abi calls Stella Smella. Chelsea calls Beyonce a god. Sean calls Chelsea hamburger. Sean calls Tanya steak. Tanya calls Max distant and difficult to talk to. Stacey calls Max cold and a hypocrite. Sean calls Stacey a right moody little cow. Chelsea calls Stacey a moron. Denise calls Chelsea Miss Life Experience. Sean calls Max and Tanya Mr and Mrs Perfect. Max calls Sean sleazy, cocky, a joker and a creep. Max calls Valentine's Day nonsense. Stacey calls Valentine's Day a ripoff. Bert calls Valentine's Day St Muggins Day. Abi calls Valentine's Day special. Abi calls Rolf the best gerbil ever. Abi calls Marge the best guinea pig ever. Dot calls Jim the best husband in the world. Bert calls Tanya a very attractive woman for her age. Bert calls Ian a wazzock and a prat. Bert calls Yolande a sanctimonious old bat. Yolande calls Bert a selfish disloyal miserable old man. Bert calls himself an old fart. Shirley calls herself large as life and twice as hammered. Kevin calls himself a walking disaster and a bit useless when it comes to cooking. Dawn calls herself fat and frumpy, a home wrecking slag, a white trash womb on legs, a sad cow of a mistress, a spoilt brat and a bitch. Rob calls Dawn an incubator. Dawn calls Dr May a witch. Ben calls Stella a stinking witch. Stella calls Ben a little monster. Phil calls Ben a bit of a handful and a stubborn git. Bert calls Jay a bit of a handful, a git, a numbskull, a pillock, a weasel and a prannock. Jay calls Bert an ugly Northern git and a miserable Northern git. Jay calls Beryl a skank. Jay calls Peter a girl. Jay calls Yolande a cow. Jay calls Ian a tosser. Ian calls Jay a juvenile delinquent. Ian calls Phil a joke. Shirley calls Phil a big strapping fella. Shirley calls the Vic a pub not a nuclear power plant. Carly calls Shirley an old lush. Carly calls Phil half decent one minute and a total pig the next. Phil calls Carly some sort of idiot. Deano calls Carly one cold cow. Max calls Deano a muppet.

 

[James from London]

Dec 95. Pauline calls herself the Archbishop of Canterbury. Arthur calls himself an innocent man. Pauline calls Arthur a wonderful man. Selina Cadell calls Arthur a family man, and a trusted and respected member of his community. Mervyn calls Arthur the Walford One and a bit of a twit. Kathy calls Mervyn a sewer rat. Robbie calls Arthur a decent bloke. Felix calls Arthur a very nice bloke. Clare calls Felix a weirdo. Janine calls herself the ghost of Felix's wife. David calls Pat a hard nosed cow. Pat calls David a complete waste of space and a genius. Pat calls the Wicks-Evans-Butchers a family made up of many parts, but a family just the same. Pat calls Frank an emotional man, a broken man, a mad man and a real man. Barry calls Frank some bloke who hasn't even bothered to send so much as a postcard in the last two years. Nigel calls Grant and Phil two of the naughtiest boys in Walford. Mrs Andreos calls Robbie a cheat and a thief. Kev calls Robbie Speedy Gonzales and a moron. Gita calls Sanjay a lazy good for nothing money grabbing little leech. Ricky calls Tiffany a snide little cow. Tiffany calls her dad's girlfriend a two faced cow who looks like a dog. Tiffany calls Christmas a lot of fuss about nothing. "A Winter's Tale" by Eddie Moon plays in the caff. Arthur cries in prison. Sonia calls Blur brilliant.

 

[James from London]

Aug 09. Lauren calls Whitney filth. Lauren calls Twilight good. Liz calls herself a Jackie Collins fan. Ronnie calls herself a Blur fan. Denise calls Lucas a black James Bond. Charlie calls himself a chubby old bloke who falls asleep watching the TV. Joel calls Archie an intimidating bloke when you're fifteen. Archie calls Joel a married father of three and a highly inappropriate man. Archie calls Janine a perverse young woman. Ryan calls Janine a strange woman. Ricky calls Peggy a very attractive woman for her age. Zainab calls herself a silly old woman, a simple girl from Pakistan and fifteen weeks pregnant. Ronnie calls Archie an old man sitting by himself in a hut in Walford in the middle of the night. Christian calls himself a frightened middle-aged queen holed up on his own in some flat in Walford. Garry calls Walford stale. Garry calls Dawn the tastiest bird in the Square. Dawn calls Garry the kindest most gentle man she knows. Phil calls Dawn available, a bit on the side and something to do. Joel calls Phil a thug. Joel calls Janine a nutter. Roxy calls Joel a boring balding geezer with bad socks. Christian calls Roxy one of the most selfish self obsessed people he's ever met. Bianca calls Ronnie a self pitying miserable cow. Bianca calls Jim half dead. Ricky calls Bianca a gobby nutter that don't shut up. Bianca calls Facebook that Face-whatever-internet thing. Tanya calls Brazilians very fashionable, a bit of a giggle and quite tasteful. Brenda calls sudoko mentally stimulating. Jordan calls his new skateboard well rad. Bianca whacks Ronnie. Ronnie whacks Bianca. Tanya shows Jane her waxed minge. Garry and Dawn sail away on a river of Minty's tears.

 

[James from London]

July 13. Michael calls Scarlett's birthday party an abomination. Michael calls Billy's intransigence frustrating. Michael calls Billy a weapon's grade moron. Michael calls Danny a homosexual, a parasite and a no mark. Janine calls Danny a young attractive successful charming entrepreneur with a really upmarket car. Michael calls Janine grotesque, an emotional dwarf and putty in his hands. Alice calls Michael toxic. Sharon calls Shirley so toxic she should come with her own health warning. Sharon calls Ian the stubbornest man she's ever met. Peter calls Lucy the most stubborn person on the planet. Ian calls Lucy the most beautiful girl in the world. Ian calls Poppy a waitress that can't waitress. Ian calls Jean a chef that can't open oven doors. Jean calls herself a mad woman in a cardy. Michael calls Kat a woman of frugal pleasures. Ian calls Denise a beautiful woman. Patrick calls Cora a proud woman. Phil calls Ava a smart woman. Dexter calls Ava a lonely woman, a cringe and the world's worst liar. Ava calls herself a rubbish liar. Abi calls Kirsty a liar. Kat calls Kirsty a cheeky mare. Shirley calls Kim a silly mare. Shirley calls Denny Little Lord Fauntleroy and Norman Bates. Jean calls Shirley a drunken bully and a lesbian.

 

[James from London]

Jul 11. Christian calls Roxy tarty. Zainab calls Roxy a banshee. Syed calls Roxy a liability, babbling on about her child-snatching sister. Roxy calls Ronnie sick, twisted and a liar. Ronnie calls Michael evil, insane, sick, twisted, and a liar. Michael calls Ronnie twisted, mental, a monster, damaged goods and poison. Kat calls herself damaged goods. Alfie calls Kat a stroppy cow and a twisted revenge freak. Carol calls Ronnie a freak. Kat calls Ronnie a preying mantis. Poppy calls Ronnie a classic beauty like Molly from the Saturdays. Max calls Poppy and Jodie Cagney & Lacey. Max calls Greg Bob the Builder. Lola calls Abi Hannah Montana and a scared little girl. Julie calls Lola a hard-faced little girl and a pyromaniac. Pat calls Janine a silly girl and an evil little witch. Tanya calls Janine a murdering witch. Tanya calls marriage a minefield. Ian calls love a lie. Jodie calls world events quite a bit depressing. Mr Lister calls fly-tipping a criminal offence subject to a £50,000 fine and/or up to six months imprisonment. Abi calls boxing violent and pointless and horrible. Jay calls boxing actually quite graceful. Masood calls folding napkins meditative, even spiritual. Zainab calls adoption one of the most selfless acts possible. Zainab calls gay adoption sick and wrong. Syed calls Amy a child, not a poster girl for gay rights. Christian calls Syed a devious gay conman, a choirboy that he corrupted, a suicidal mess, and a good liar. Rainie calls Tanya a terrible liar. Tanya calls Rainie a liar, a leech and a drunk. Michael calls himself a liar, a coward and an unreliable horrible screw-up. Michael calls sex with Roxy almost fun. Michael calls Jack and Ronnie two people clinging to the rocks. Dot calls Jack a good man. Zainab calls Christian a sick man. Jean calls Eddie an absolutely fascinating man. Mercy calls Fatboy a man she doesn't love. Tanya calls Greg a lager man and stuck in the 80s. Greg calls Rainie a bad influence on the kids. Rainie calls Lauren and Abi moaning little cows. Max calls Tanya a devious little cow. Janine calls Pat an interfering old cow and an old poisonous bitch. Phil calls Janine a tramp. Phil calls Jay a lazy little skank. Michael calls Rainie a dirty skank. Tyler calls Michael a weirdo and a psychopath. Lola calls Ian a weirdo. Lola calls Roxy an old lady. Tyler calls Kat an old bird. Lauren calls Fatboy old before his time. Lauren calls Eddie at least a hundred. Carol calls Eddie a drifting morally bankrupt chancer. Eddie calls Carol a narrow-minded repressed control freak and a ray of sunshine. Billy calls Lola a ray of hope. Ian calls Lola a feral child. Abi calls Lola a tart. Lola calls Jay sexy. Alfie calls himself a romantic sexy grumpy old twonk. Poppy calls herself unemployed with a chipped nail and a splitting headache.

 

[James from London]

Aug 03. Dr Leroy calls the Vic a great neighbourhood pub. Andy calls Angie's Den a pathetic little dive. Andy calls Kat Mrs Bigmouth. Laura calls Garry Mrs Doubtfire. Dennis calls Billy Gonzo the Muppet. Pauline calls Dot a cross between Peggy Mitchell and The Terminator. Alfie calls Jim the Barbara Cartland of Albert Square. Ash calls Adi the Maharaja of East London. Natalie calls Pat the patron saint of divorce. Pat calls Barry Florence Nightingale. Barry calls Janine Mother Teresa, a beautiful lady and a warm and sensitive person. Janine calls Barry putty in her hands, a randy hippo and a lovesick teenager. Paul calls Barry an absolute idiot. Ricky calls Janine a money grabbing scheming little tart. Pat calls Janine poison. Barry calls Pat an interfering old bag. Barry calls sex with Janine incredible. Kelly calls sex with Martin horrible horrible really horrible. Martin calls Derek an old woman. Ash calls Derek a leading light in the local am dram. Ash calls Tariq a slime ball. Kat calls Garry a slime ball. Kat calls Laura a slapper. Ian calls Garry and Laura two of the most repulsive people on the planet. Ricky calls Bobby Beale a blinder. Nana Moon calls Bobby Beale a treasure. Garry calls Bobby Beale a little belter, the man of the match and the best thing that's ever happened to him. Ian calls Bobby Beale a disgusting looking sprog, an unwanted brat and an ugly disgusting shrivelled excuse for a baby. Laura calls Ian Bobby Beale's father. Alfie calls Nana Moon a saucy wench. Spencer calls Nana Moon cranky and weird. Nana Moon calls herself an old fool. Shirley calls herself a fool, a doormat and a sad pathetic lonely old cow. Ash calls Dan's version of Love Me Tender probably the finest record you'll ever hear in your entire life. Dan calls Ash sullen. Dan calls Adi a waste of space. Ronny calls Adi a plank. Ronny calls Ash a clam. Adi calls Ronny and Ash a pair of old sad sacks. Ronny calls MC Nadim a sucker and a spanner. Ronny calls Sasha a minger and a moose. Kareena calls Sasha a prostitute. Sasha calls herself a pole dancer and escort if you don't mind.

 

[James from London]

Jan 96. Cindy calls herself a sinner. Ethel calls Ian a greedy little boy. Roy calls Pat impossible to talk to. Frank calls Roy the geezer who's shacking up with his missus. Roy calls Frank a no hoper. Ricky calls Roy no match for Frank. David calls Ricky dumb, an idiot, a little runt, a stupid little prat, a bigger fool than he thought and just like his father. David calls Roy loyal, decent, popular, hard working and twice the man Frank will ever be. David calls Frank a nothing, a pot man living off someone else's charity, one of life's misfits and Mad Frankie Butcher. Frank calls David one of life's failures and a slimy manipulating piece of garbage. Frank calls himself a weak man. Ethel calls Frank a cheeky monkey. Phil calls Frank a nutter. Robbie calls Frank a nutter. Bianca calls Frank a nutter, boring and more trouble than he's worth. Tiffany calls Frank really creepy and death warmed up. Sam calls Tiffany a nosy old cow. Bianca calls Sam a sad cow. Ricky calls Grant a gorilla. Robbie calls himself pathetic, a retard and a right prat. Carol calls Robbie funny, lovely and so stupid it defies belief. Carol calls Alan the best looking odd job man she's ever seen. Lydia calls Sanjay a meanie. Steve calls Sanjay a toe rag, a mean minded sod and a tight fisted git with a cash register where his heart ought to be. Phil calls the nineties soulless and spiritually bereft. Sarah nicks a copy of (What's The Story) Morning Glory from Winston's stall.

 

[James from London]

Sept 09. Abi calls Chelsea cool. Chelsea calls Trina a nut-nut. Ryan calls Lucas a nutter and a God botherer. Bianca calls Ricky a nutter, a good dad to the kids and a porky grinning baboon-faced git. Peggy calls Ricky a useless spineless specimen of a man. Sam cals Phil the man who told her to run off to Brazil in the first place. Denise calls Ian a horrible vile mean little man. Tanya calls Ian a disgusting little man. Ian calls Tanya a petty vindictive man-hater and a sour-faced hassle magnet. Ian calls Peter a naturally healthy young man who's exploring his burgeoning sexuality. Lucy calls Peter pretty ugly and a bit of a player. Sam calls Bianca an ugly ginger mug, classy as ever and mental. Roxy calls Ronnie proper mental sometimes and the original Judas. Joel calls Charlie the next Fred West. Heather calls Meryl Streep her new role model. Adam calls Vera Britten an amazing woman. Syed calls Amira the most beautiful woman he knows. Amira calls I Will Always Love You one of the greatest love songs of all time. Libby calls Shakespeare, Wolfe, Wordsworth and Eliot the most influential storytellers of all time. Roxy calls Dr Jenkins the fittest doctor in Walford. Sam calls Dr Jenkins the only doctor in Walford. Sam calls Peggy the best mum in the world. Peggy calls Sam a stupid stupid little girl. Patrick calls Sam the girl from Ipanema. Lucas calls Trina's death a stupid tragic accident. Denise calls Trina's death a blessing in disguise. Lucas calls Trina a nightmare when she was using. Amira calls Syed's family a nightmare. Christian calls himself Syed's dirty little secret. Sam calls Roxy's knockers saddle bags. Jay calls Sam's knockers well fake. Bianca calls Sam a pumped up cow, a peroxide chav and a train wreck on two legs. Roxy calls Sam a scrawny little chicken and a nasty piece of work. Sam calls Roxy the gob that can't be trusted. Roxy calls herself the life and soul of the party and all that. Stacey calls herself the original party girl, the new queen of hearts spreading love and visiting countries with land mines and stuff, and twice as mad as her barking mother and everyone knows she's the village idiot. Lauren calls Jay an idiot. Liam calls Tiffany an idiot. Tiffany calls Liam a double idiot back.

 

[James from London]

Oct 03. Dot calls Den a poor wandering soul. Phil calls Den brown bread. Pat calls Den pretty fit for a dead man. Den calls himself a dead man walking, a simple soul and a reformed character. Dennis calls Den some bloke who's just turned up, something that people forgot about that washed up on the shore and a relic. Den calls Dennis lairy, full of himself and a little man with a big voice. Den calls Sharon the only girl who's been faithful to him for the last fourteen years. Den calls Roly the best friend he ever had. Den calls Lisa a mad woman with a gun in her hand, a drunken lush of a woman collapsing in tears every five minutes and a cracked record. Lisa calls Den all mouth. Pauline calls Den unfeeling. Pauline calls Lisa twisted. Lisa calls Pauline a bag. Lisa calls Kate a bitch. Lisa calls Phil a toe rag. Lisa calls John the hitman a creep. Den calls John the hitman the lowest of the low. Den calls Phil a low rent two bit thug. Lenny calls Phil more pervasive than a bad smell. Vicki calls Phil a bald knucklehead who pushes people around because he can. Den calls Vicki a stupid little fool. Sharon calls Dennis her father's son. Sharon calls sex with Dennis a mistake. Tariq calls Dennis a Rottweiler. Tariq calls Kelly a tart. Kelly calls Tariq a low life drug dealing weasel. Zoe calls Tariq scum. Ash calls Gavin a scum bag, a bully and a sad desperate man. Gavin calls Shirley a moaning minnie, a mad old cow and a bit of a dog. Paul calls Barry a sap, a loser and a big dumb animal. Janine calls Barry a beached whale, a great ape and a randy old goat. Barry calls himself a cross between Tom Jones and James Brown. Kat calls Andy three parts Richard Branson one part Arthur Daley. Jim calls Patrick and Yolande John & Yoko. Patrick calls Yolande the oppression that is woman. Yolande calls Patrick stubborn as a wall. Derek calls Spencer's pumpkins monstrosities. Dot calls herself a freak of nature. Sharon slaps Dennis. Dennis squeezes Minty's nuts. Den tosses Tariq in a skip.

 

[James from London]

Apr 88. Den calls Sharon Arthur Scargill. Pete calls Ian a bleeding moron. Carmel calls Junior a little horror. Darren calls Rod a ruddy vulture. Tom calls Dot a hypochondriac. Dot calls Tom a miserable so and so. Brad calls himself a kind hearted bastard. Donna calls Kathy her mother then vomits in an alley. Roly vomits in the Dagmar. Tom dies in the gents. Lofty leaves without saying goodbye.

 

[James from London]

Sep 11. Dot calls romance a fat lot of use when it comes to getting wine stains out of sofa cushions. Dot calls Mandy a flibbertigibbet running around the Square, flashing her drawers and squirting people with water. Mandy calls Ian a really boring git with a really big head. Faith calls Ava boring and a posh girl. Norman calls Janine a spoilt little girl. Jean calls Mandy a very strange girl. Mickey calls Mandy a chicken zinger. Phil calls Mandy dog rough, a tramp and a slut. Vanessa calls Lauren a slut. Abi calls Lauren a legless slapper. Lauren calls having it off with Darren a big mistake. Jodie calls Darren the hairspray to her cowlicks, the glue to her acrylics, a mask for her face made of clay, her support pants on a fat day. Lauren calls Jodie a partially qualified beautician from Essex, not a princess. Michael calls Jodie thick. Lauren calls Tanya a woman so thick she cheated on a gorgeous bloke with a bald clown who treated her like a doormat for years. Mr Waverley calls Tanya's tumour ideal for surgery. Yusef calls Alfie's sperm count lower than average but a lot higher than some. Michael calls Alfie the only family that he'd give a kidney to. Kat calls Alfie a great lummox, a doubting Thomas and a martyr bringing up someone else’s kid. Cora calls Tanya the patron saint of martyrs and a black cloud. Fatboy calls Cora a scary lady. Fatboy calls Michelle Obama clever but she's not all up in your face with it. Fatboy calls Whitney the cleverest girl he knows. Michael calls Whitney an ex-prostitute. Michael calls Vanessa his favourite prostitute, a scrounger who sleeps her way from one pay cheque to the next and pathetic. Anthony calls Eddie pathetic. Tyler calls Anthony a proper numpty. Michael calls Artie Stiller a northern numpty, a brute and a nutter who can't get paid unless he takes a dive. Christian calls Qadim a nut job and a psycho. Jack calls Artie Stiller a psycho and an animal. Jack calls Tyler a novice. Faith calls Tyler and Michael pervs. Qadim calls Syed perverted and Amira soiled by association. Amira calls herself damaged goods. Kat calls herself a dirty bit of rough who's had more men than hot dinners. Darren calls himself a thief who slept with his boss’s daughter then jilted his fiancé. Faith calls herself a certified ten buff ting. Ava calls Faith living proof that a human can live without a brain. Faith calls Richard a paedo, a Nazi boy and actually kind of pith for a white man. Ben calls Tyler a dead man walking. Michael calls himself a damaged man and a walking bad memory. Vanessa calls Michael seriously twisted, her least favourite person and a man whose family can barely stand to be around him. Vanessa calls Eddie a hard man to find and a tough nut to crack. Eddie calls Vanessa any man's dream but not his. Eddie calls himself a tiddlywinks man. Dot calls Eddie a highly disreputable man. Carol calls Eddie a frustrating annoying man, the cruellest kind of human there is and a monster. Eddie calls Michael terrifying and a monster. Michael calls Eddie a monster, an evil piece of scum, a useless husband and a useless father. Vanessa calls Darren useless, a liability and a lying thief on the bones of his backside with no prospects, punching sky-high above his puny little weight. Yusef calls Rose his septuagenarian receptionist and quite useless. Rose calls Yusef very tasty. Kat calls Yusef some bloke with letters after his name.

 

[James from London]

Nov 03. Kat calls Little Mo a soppy cow. Big Mo calls Zoe a cheeky cow. Lynne calls Belinda a cheeky cow. Belinda calls Lynne a stupid tart. Kat calls Belinda a fake and a moron. Belinda calls Kat an idiot. Belinda calls Garry a creep. Lynne calls Garry a prat. Ian calls Alfie a prat. Little Mo calls Alfie the man in the moon. Andy calls Alfie a lovesick schmuck. Alfie calls Andy Don Corleone and a plank. Kat calls Alfie a soppy nutter, a dozy git, a selfish arrogant pig and her best mate. Alfie calls Kat liar liar wedding dress on fire, once twice three times a lady, a scaredy cat and the future Mrs Moon. Alfie calls himself the only bloke in Walford who owns a red kimono. Big Mo calls Kat the best barmaid Walford's ever seen. Martin calls himself the Albert Square reject. Pauline calls the internet very complicated. DCI Marsden calls Phil a cheap little hood. DCI Marsden calls Kate a mug. Sharon calls Kate a bit naive. Den calls Sharon highly strung. Lisa calls Den a sad small time wheeler dealer whose word's worth nothing. Phil calls Lisa and Sharon two sad spinsters. Dennis calls Phil and Den two old codgers. Phil calls Dennis Den's puppy. Phil calls Den desperate. Lisa calls Phil dark, empty and too damaged to have a normal relationship. Kate calls her nail bar Sophisti-Kates. Little Mo calls Sophisti-Kates amazing. Little Mo calls Bo Derek the lady with the funny hair. Victor calls Jesus the unseen guest at every meal. Paul calls Victor a nasty piece of work. Yolande calls Victor a dirty bwoy and an evil man. Yolande calls Patrick an evil godforsaken man, a conniving two faced pathetic man and the most despicable dishonest and easily led man she's ever met. Ricky calls Garry a sick man. Garry calls himself a sex god and a family man. Garry calls the Slaters a pack of wild animals. Sonia calls forgiving Martin for killing Jamie the hardest thing she's ever had to do.

 

[James from London]

Feb 96. David calls Ricky a selfish little sod. Phil calls Ricky as much use as a bent nail. Carol calls Ricky emotionally subnormal. Tiffany calls Ricky a toe rag, a creep and a piece of dirt. Bianca calls Tiffany pathetic, a liar and a jealous little bitch. Sam calls Bianca pathetic, a maniac and a stupid cow. Tony calls Bianca photogenic. Bianca calls herself gorgeous. Kathy calls herself tired, fat and forty-five. David calls himself a late developer. Pauline calls herself as weak as water. Grant calls himself an ignorant publican. Robbie calls himself desperate. Ricky calls Frank desperate. Pat calls Frank stupid and desperate. Frank calls himself The Invisible Man, a pot man working in a pub that he used to run, an idiot and a fool. David calls Frank sick, clever, a loser, no threat, off his head and what the cat dragged in. Nigel calls Frank the ghost of landlords past. Kathy calls Frank the bad fairy waiting behind the curtain. Phil calls Frank on the edge, all over the gaff, a loose cannon, a tricky customer, a time bomb waiting to go off, a bully, unpredictable and some kind of nutter. Grant calls Phil a pessimist. Sanjay calls Big Ron a moron. Sanjay calls Guppy a scumbag. Sanjay calls Michael a scumbag. Sanjay calls Sara Stockbridge a first class bird. Phil calls Lydia a nice little bird. Claire Goose gives Robbie a rubbish haircut. Tiffany sings along to Mike Flowers' version of Wonderwall.

 

[James from London]

Oct 09. Lucas calls himself an avenging angel possessed by the spirit of righteousness. Peggy calls herself a good samaritan what had a bad experience in the back of an ice cream van. Jean calls herself the mad woman who works the flower stall. Jane calls herself a stupid bundle of demented hormones. Zainab calls herself a huge hormonal mess. Heather calls herself some huge punchline. Tamwar calls himself terminally single and a Muslim on orange juice. Libby calls Tamwar a lemon. Shirley calls George Michael a fruit. Peggy calls David Essex that bloke Heather likes. Heather calls Paddington Bear her friend when she was little. Heather calls Darren George's dad. Shirley calls herself George's dad. Pat calls Shirley Godzilla. Jack calls Shirley that one out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the kiddie pincher. Pat calls Shirley and Phil the Posh & Becks of Walford. Shirley calls Darren a treacherous little toe rag. Darren calls Denise his future mother-in-law and a mentalist. Denise calls Owen a snake in the grass and a psycho. Lucas calls Owen a disciple of Satan. Lucas calls Stacey flipped and crazy. Stacey calls Archie sad and evil. Janine calls Archie a wicked genius and ripe for the picking. Archie calls Janine a breathtaking vista and far more needy than she lets on. Mo slaps Jean. Jean slaps Mo. Archie rapes Stacey in the launderette.

 

[James from London]

May 88. Ali calls Sue a bitch. Sue calls Mary a little bitch. Guizin calls Sue an ungrateful bitch. Sharon calls Angie a two faced lying bitch. Kathy calls Donna a cow and a bitch. Ian calls Kathy a slag. Pete calls Ian a little sod and a lazy oik. Pete calls Barry a bleeding teapot and a woolly woofta. Sharon calls Cindy a maniac. Angie leaves forever in a cab. Mary leaves forever on a bus.

 

[Cookiescholes]

Sue sounds mental. I read that she tried to kidnap Vicky Fowler and her exit was digging up a grave.

How dare she call mary a bitch.