EastEnders Who called who what and when

[James from London]

Dec 96. Bianca calls Grant a pig. Bianca calls Alan a complete pig. Bianca calls Ricky a dozy sod. Phil calls Joe a moody sod. Alan calls Joe sick in the head. Carol calls Alan a plank of wood. Billie calls Carol horrible. Joe calls hospital horrible. Lorraine calls Joe clinically depressed. Grant calls sex with Lorraine the best thing that's happened to him in a long time. Grant calls marrying Tiffany the biggest mistake of his life. Tiffany calls Grant stupid, pathetic, cruel, a square, not much of a party animal and more like her mother than her husband. Grant calls Tiffany wide eyed, innocent, childish, selfish, a stupid cow and a married pregnant woman who goes around chatting up complete strangers. Tiffany calls herself a walking womb, an incubator for Grant's baby and one of those chocolate eggs with a surprise toy inside. Peggy calls Grant a secretive so and so and that lazy son of hers. Peggy calls the Vic a part of her. Grant calls Peggy a Mitchell. Grant calls George a lying git. Ricky calls himself an idiot. Robbie calls Sonia an idiot. Blossom calls Robbie ungrateful. Bianca calls Joe better looking than Robbie. Nigel calls Grant better looking than him. Ian calls Huw and Lenny the Neighbours from Hell. Grant calls Lenny a nutter. Grant calls Billy the Goat a punch drunk psycho. Sarah calls Christmas the birthday of Our Lord. Peggy calls Christmas the one day when everyone's happy. Carol calls Christmas hard work. Pauline calls the Jacksons a funny lot. Blossom calls the Jacksons a noisy lot. Aunty Nellie calls Tiger Feet by Mud a catchy little number. Ethel calls herself a conga girl.

 

[James from London]

Mar 89. Rod calls Donna a vicious mixed up mess. Sue calls Donna a vicious liar, a dirty cow, a smackhead and a junkie. Dot calls Donna a voice crying in the wilderness. Pauline calls Dot a fool to herself. Mehmet calls Sue a stupid English bitch. Guizin calls Mehmet a pig and a nasty filthy disgusting son of a bitch. Guizin calls England a rathole of a country. Pete calls the world a blinkin joke.

 

[James from London]

Apr 12. Reverend Stevens calls Maundy Thursday the night Jesus was betrayed in the Garden of Gethsemane by someone that He loved. Dot calls Good Friday the day that Jesus was crucified for Cora's sins. Dot calls Easter Sunday the triumph of good over evil, life over death. Dot calls Christian very particular about his bed linen. Dot calls Mr Oppapoppa very stringent about his terms and conditions. Dot calls them Moon boys a terrible influence. Shirley calls Dot an interfering old cow. Carol calls herself a miserable old cow. Carol calls Bianca an ungrateful little cow. Whitney calls Lucy a conniving desperate cow who wants to get her hands on her man. Zainab calls Denise desperate for a man. Jack calls himself a leg man. Tanya calls Max the man who seduced his hairdresser. Lorraine calls Ian a frightened man. Ian calls the socio -economic deficit a bit hard to explain. Zainab calls Book Club an orgy of alcohol and saturated fat. Mandy calls Book Club tragic. Lucy calls Mandy an airhead trophy, a trashy bimbo and a tramp. Carol calls Mandy an uppity little home wrecker. Carol calls Morgan David Beckham. Bianca calls Derek Walford's answer to Don Corleone. Alfie calls Mandy and Ian Walford's very own Posh and Becks. Alfie calls Dot a lady so regal she makes Queen Victoria look like Kerry Katona. Alfie calls Roxy the lovely Debbie McGee, an old cynic and the East End's most loveable unnatural blonde. Shirley calls Janine the property devil of Albert Square. Shirley calls Andrew murdering scum, a liar and a coward. Dot calls Andrew innocent and full of heartache. Dot calls Ian a bit selfish. Jack calls Derek a bit full on. Alfie calls Derek a bit of a nutter. Roxy calls Alfie a romantic fool. Cora calls Roxy a shameless scrubber and a tart. Roxy calls herself the original party girl. Dot calls Heather the sweetest girl. Janine calls Heather a big girl. Michael calls Janine a fat bird. Michael calls himself and Janine an oasis of good looks marooned in a sea of hideous cretins. Michael calls Jean a good looking woman. Derek calls Jean a disgrace to the memory of his grandfather and all the men who fought to make this country great. DS Rufus calls Jean’s sausage surprise a nasty surprise. Alfie calls Jean the sausage queen extraordinaire. Derek calls Alfie quite entertaining sometimes and then other times he gets right on your nerves.

 

[James from London]

Jan 97. Tiffany calls Frankie a skinny cow. Tiffany calls Lorraine a deceitful cow. Tiffany calls her unborn child a poor little cow. Grant calls Tiffany a cold hearted cow, a lying devious cow, selfish and a dog. Peggy calls Tiffany a lying little tart. Peggy calls Lorraine a despicable little tart. Nigel calls Lorraine wonderful, beautiful and much too good for him. Nigel calls himself jealous, fat, stupid and a failure when it comes to women. Grant calls his life a mess. Lorraine calls sleeping with Grant a mistake. Tony calls sleeping with Frankie a mistake. Tony calls Dan a no hoper who only cares about money and drugs. Simon calls Dan a small time dealer who don't give a damn just so long as he survives. Dan calls Simon completely boring and a stupid little perv. Frankie calls Simon a pain in the neck. Frankie calls Huw a gullible idiot. Huw calls Frankie the meanest woman he's ever known in his life. Frankie calls herself young, gifted and black. Bianca calls Frankie a slapper. Ian calls Frankie a scrubber. Frankie calls Ian a little creep. Alan calls Ian a little creep and a pillock. Frankie calls Alan a lousy liar and a prat. Huw calls Ian a sad man and a loser. Aunt Sal calls Peggy a silly apoth. Peggy calls Aunt Sal a nosy old mare. Aunt Sal calls herself a joke, a laughing stock and a right stupid cow. Kathy calls herself a miserable cow. Kathy calls Phil disgusting, a lush and a pig. Ricky calls Phil disgusting, drunk and out of order. Ian calls Phil the pits. Ian calls Huw and Lenny morons. Carol calls Sonia a crafty little madam. Arthur's memorial bench is put up in the gardens. Sanjay jizzes into a cup.

 

[James from London]

Apr 89. Frank calls Wicksy a lazy pillock. Junior calls Matthew a honky. Dot calls Pete a wicked man and hits him with her handbag. Sharon calls Michelle a selfish little cow and throws a glass at her. Kath calls Wilmot Brown's barrister a bastard. Ali calls Donna a bitch, a slag and a whore. Donna chokes on her own vomit. Dot calls her a piece of meat in a plastic bag. Wicksy devirginises Sharon.

 

[James from London]

Feb 97. Sonia calls Nigel a soft touch. Sonia calls Robbie an idiot. Sanjay calls himself an idiot. Gita calls Sanjay pathetic. Kathy calls Phil pathetic, juvenile and a mess. Phil calls himself pathetic, a loser, a failure, a raving alky, a miserable bloke and the luckiest man in Walford. Patrick calls Phil scared, scared to admit that he's scared, cold, distant and a little boy that's never grown up. Roy calls Pat a spoilsport. Kathy calls Pat a diamond. Pat calls herself and Kathy a couple of lemons. Pat calls Robbie a persistent little devil. Pat calls Peggy hard work at the best of times. Peggy calls herself old fashioned. Joe calls Peggy horrible. Joe calls the Bible weird. Lorraine calls Joe very vulnerable. Sarah calls herself horrible and a hypocrite. Phil calls Ricky a good kid. Bianca calls Ricky one in a million. Michael calls Bianca daft. Grant calls his marriage to Tiffany a joke. Carol calls Billie brave. Carol calls Robbie hardly Mike Tyson. Carol calls Frankie a pain. Frankie calls Alistair hot stuff. Sarah calls Alistair her leader. Huw calls Ian the local Gestapo and a little twerp. Pauline calls Martin pigheaded. Sonia plays Don't Look Back In Anger on the trumpet.

 

[James from London]

May 12. Michael calls Jean a sad delusional little woman. Jean calls herself a stupid, stupid silly woman. Ian calls Mandy an amazing woman, the woman he loves and his beautiful bride-to-be. Ian calls Lucy a selfish prat. Ian calls Billy Idol a legend. Fatboy calls Ian the Jedi Master of berks. Lauren calls Max the King of berks. Lauren calls Abi a drama queen. Lauren calls Dot really good with a cake mix. Lauren calls the caff a greasy hell hole. Lauren calls Michael a ponce. Jack calls Michael the control freak's control freak. Whitney calls Michael a sharply dressed go-getter. Carol calls Whitney too stupid to use a condom. Ian calls Billy a stupid little runt. Ian calls Ben a stupid little moron. Lauren calls Fatboy a stupid immature idiot. Janine calls Jean idiotic, jelly brains and crazy. Abi calls Jay definitely crazy. Max calls Jay a half-cut hood rat. Derek calls Jay a randy teenager. Derek calls Alice filth, a dirty little grass and his long lost daughter. Derek calls Joey the best-dressed kitten in Suffolk. Kim calls Ray the fittest chef since Gino de Campy. Abi calls Lauren the vilest person ever. Max calls Lauren a daughter who thinks a good night out is downing half a swimming pool of vodka and choking on her own vomit. Janine calls herself the girl whom Ian paid fifty quid to have sex with when she had no friends and no money. Phil calls Ian the man who walked away from him when he was having a heart attack and who faked cancer to get a bird to marry him. Jay calls Phil an alcoholic violent bully who was happy to let Andrew and then Billy take the rap for something that someone else did. Jay calls himself allergic to trees. Ben calls himself all twisted and ruined inside. Shirley calls Phil a twisted man, a lying weak man and a self-obsessed ugly little man. Abi calls Phil an animal. Ben calls Phil a drunken animal. DCI Marsden calls Ben a train wreck. Derek calls Ben a young man of the world. Derek calls Tyler nothing but a maggot on the sole of his shoe and a bitch. Derek calls Tanya demented and a dead woman. Cora calls Derek a bit of charm, a bit of rough and a very appealing gentleman. Cora calls Winston that West Indian fella who runs the record stall. Dot calls Cora a martyr to her sinuses.

 

[James from London]

May 89. Dot calls Charlie a ponce. Pat calls Wicksy a ponce. Ian calls Wicksy a ponce and a scrounger. Wicksy calls Ian a joke. Frank calls Ian a pain in the arsenal. Pauline calls Dr Legg a menace. Pat calls Ricky a vicious toad. Ricky calls Pat an old slag. Pat hits Ricky. Wicksy impregnates Cindy and calls her a sheet of hardboard. Sue is sectioned. Arthur declares Walford a gloom free zone.

 

[James from London]

Dec 07. Ronnie calls Jack an international man of mystery. Minty calls himself the luckiest man in the world. Dot calls the Nativity the greatest story in the world. Shirley calls Dot a funny old bird. Shirley calls Kevin a drone, a plonker and a wage slave chasing the pounds. Shirley calls Christmas depressing. Heather calls Christmas magic. Peggy calls Heather a poor cow. Dawn calls Zainab a right cow. Dawn calls herself a thick cow. Billy calls Mrs Patel a hardhearted miserable old cow. Billy calls himself a waste of air. Aunt Sal calls Billy a bit of a runt. Jack calls Max a two faced cowardly runt. Ian calls Steven a selfish little coward, an unhinged psychopath and a damaged kid. Steven calls Bradley a plonker. Bradley calls Stacey a slut. Tanya calls Stacey a tart. Tanya calls Max and Stacey the happy couple. Max calls Tanya pathetic. Steven calls himself seventeen and pathetic. Lucy calls herself fourteen not four. Lucy calls Ian a control freak. Steven calls Ian a freak full stop. Jane calls Ian and Max a couple of old women. Sean calls Max a child and a scum bag. Roxy calls Sean a lucky sod. Roxy calls Ronnie frigid and a martyr. Ronnie calls Roxy dozy and a diva. Ronnie calls Phil Mr Macho strutting around the place telling everyone what to do. Heather calls Phil quite sexy really. Honey belts Billy. Tanya slaps Stacey. Bradley whacks Max.

 

[James from London]

Mar 97. Huw calls himself Chapel. Neelam calls herself Hindu. Lenny calls himself Hare Krishna. Phil calls himself a total dipstick. Grant calls rape unacceptable. Bianca calls the community centre freezing cold. Tiffany calls Janis Joplin the ultimate wild child. Frankie calls Mary Magdalene a prostitute and a whore. Sarah calls suicide a sin. Sarah calls the vicar's wife in Emmerdale a hypocrite. Sarah calls Robbie very sweet and rather immature. Sarah calls sex with Robbie awful. Sarah calls herself gullible, terrified, immature, an embarrassment and not brave enough to kill herself. Alistair calls Sarah lost, damned and an example of the corrupting effect of lust. Bianca calls Sarah the Virgin Mary, a psycho and a nutter. Ricky calls Sarah mental, potty and unstable. Joe calls Sarah a sad little robot. Alistair calls Joe a sick boy and a bad influence. Frankie calls Alistair exceptionally intelligent, very interesting to talk to and absolutely fantastic in bed. Simon calls Peggy a nosy old cow. Sanjay calls Peggy an interfering old bag. Peggy calls Sanjay a cheeky monkey. Sanjay calls Neelam a frightened lonely old woman. Sanjay calls Gita stupid. Gita calls Sanjay stupid. Bianca calls Ricky stupid, stingy and a moron. Tiffany calls Ricky a soft git. Phil calls Ricky a daft pillock. Peggy calls Ricky a well meaning idiot. Peggy calls Grant stupid, mean, nasty, a big hulk, a silly boy and a fool. Grant calls Lorraine the most important thing in the world to him. Peggy calls Lorraine just a fling, a bit on the side and not a patch on Tiff. Tiffany calls Lorraine a cow and a slag. Grant calls Tiffany out of control. Tiffany thumps Grant and has a caesarian. Tiffany calls giving birth worse than what you could possibly imagine. Peggy calls Tiffany's baby a right little darlin. Tiffany calls her baby after Courtney Love. Huw refers to Courtney Love as "her that was married to that American rock singer, they were both crazy, and he went and killed himself". Ted calls Huw a little smart alec. Ted calls Ricky a little toe-rag. Ted calls Robbie a little jerk, a rapist, a rat-faced git and the scum of the earth. Ricky calls Ted round the bend. Barry calls Ted a lunatic. Lorraine calls Ted an animal. Carol calls Ted an ignorant git and a bully that's gone too far. Nigel calls the internet brilliant. Martin calls Pauline sarcastic.

 

[James from London]

Jun 89. Dot calls Charlie a dirty old man with more imagination than ability. Joan calls Charlie a rat, a pig, a swine and a parasite and pours a pint on his head. Ali calls Ian a jumped up little squirt. Ethel calls Dot and Marge two old prunes. Big Ron calls Trevor an idiot. Carmel calls Trevor a moron. Arthur calls Trevor a wally. Pat weds Frank. Ali torches the caff. Melody bites a paedo.

 

[James from London]

Jun 12. Anthony calls Top Gear sacred. Tamwar calls speed dating morally dubious. Zainab calls chicken tikka Britain's favourite dish. Zainab calls Kim a bike. Sasha calls Kim a liability. Denise calls Kim a flaming liability. Kim calls herself five drunken flings away from being a nun. Kim calls kissing soft and squishy. Joey calls Derek a big softy. Alice calls Derek sweet, lovely, vile and rotten. Derek calls Alice his angel, hard to please and high up in recruitment. Derek calls himself beyond redemption, an ex-con with a record as long as the Magna Carta and a modern man. Anthony calls himself a dead man walking. Michael calls himself the big bad bogeyman. Jean calls Michael cruel, smug, warped and damaged. Roxy calls Michael warped and weird. Tiffany calls Michael weird. Michael calls Jean warped, fixated, a creepy old bird, that mad woman across the Square and a stupid cow. Billy calls Jean the sort that goes to market with a cow and comes home with a handful of magic beans. Janine calls Jean a nutter, a madwoman and a lying thieving witch. Janine calls Kat a bad smell, damaged goods and all right for a bit of a fumble in the Costa-del-Sol but not really settling down material. Kat calls Janine a deluded cow. Tanya calls Janine a stroppy mare. Max calls Tanya a soppy mare. Tanya calls Lola fifteen and pregnant by God knows who. Lola calls Jean old twitchy knickers and a crazy fruit loop. Derek calls Jean a vulnerable woman. Derek calls Kat a woman who knows a bargain when she sees one. Derek calls Lucy a lying little scumbag. Derek calls Michael a slippery little weasel. Kat calls Michael a snake with a cesspit where his heart should be. Michael calls Janine good in the sack (not as good as Kat, mind). Janine calls her wedding dress the size of Norfolk. Kim calls Janine's marquee a big giant wigwam. Cora calls Janine's marquee a monstrosity, a bleeding liberty and an eyesore. Zainab calls Kimberly's Palace an eyesore. Zainab calls the Queen a wonderful lady. Tanya calls Abi a bright beautiful young lady with the whole world at her feet. Alfie calls Jean the most cleverest person in the world. Michael calls himself the most eligible bachelor on the Square. Abi calls Jay the fittest boy in Walford. Max calls Jay a little scrote. Fatboy calls himself a bonafide full-time paid member of the McClunky task force where chicken is our mission and satisfaction is our passion.

 

[James from London]

May 97. Dot calls Clare a rose in a garden of weeds. Clare calls Dot a bit strange. Clare calls Martin a bit immature. Mark calls Martin a stupid little sod. Pauline calls Martin stupid, a little monster, a delinquent, a street urchin and a good boy really. Pauline calls Mark the only normal kid she's got and even he's got HIV. Pauline calls Dot a gooseberry. Pat calls Dot an interfering busybody. Dot calls Pat an unpleasant woman. Dot calls herself Methuselah's mother, a fish out of water and not one to gossip. Dot calls the video shop a den of iniquity. Sonia calls Joe's breakdown better than any video. Sonia calls Joe barking. Dot calls Joe not all there. Sanjay calls Joe nutty as a fruitcake. Lorraine calls Joe a kind gentle loving young lad who's a bit ill and not a knife wielding maniac. Lorraine calls Grant about as perceptive as a bar of soap. Grant calls Tony and Simon a couple of poofs. Grant calls Tiffany a devious little cow. Bianca calls Grant a macho pig. Tiffany calls Bianca smug. Bianca calls Tiffany mad. Bianca calls herself boring. Tiffany calls herself fat. Tiffany calls Lorraine pretty in a stick-insect sort of way. Peggy calls Lorraine a cheeky madam. Peggy calls George flash, ridiculous, a very strange man and a liar. Grant calls George dodgy, a dead man and a two faced lying git. George calls Polly cocky, out of her depth and a nobody. Blossom buggers off to Israel with Felix.

 

[James from London]

Jul 89. Pat calls Frank Arthur Daley. Pat calls Julie Farrah Fawcett. Pat calls Cindy Dolly Daydream. Cindy calls Sharon Lady Muck. Pat calls Pete a jammy beggar. Mo calls Janine a poor little soul. Dot calls Mo a poor old soul. Mo calls Dot a funny woman. Julie calls Trevor a daft great pillock and a human disaster area. Matthew calls Carmel a slut. Janine wets the bed. Junior stabs Matthew.

 

[James from London]

Jan 08. Ian calls fartlek an amusing Swedish word. Roxy calls Ian a frog. Roxy calls Dawn Miss 99p Knickers. Shabnam calls Jase Mr Monosyllabic. Ronnie calls Jack the elusive Mr Branning. Christian calls Ian Mr Bean, Mr Know It All and less Captain Corelli, more Captain Pugwash. Ian calls Christian a bad influence. Jane calls Christian a half naked homosexual and a nauseating self opinionated self loathing insecure little creep. Christian calls Jane so 1980s. Jane calls Stacey a tart. Tanya calls Stacey a slut. Stacey calls Tanya a smug cow and a pathetic cow. Max calls Tanya an unfit mother and a dangerous liability. Jack calls Max a small man needing his small victories. Ronnie calls Max a man who slept with his son’s teenage fiancee. Max calls family the great East End myth we all like to peddle. Rainie calls Max a git and a slime bag. Max calls Rainie a junkie and a drug addict. Tanya calls Rainie a class B drug addict. Tanya calls Dot a godsend. Tegs calls Dot a zombie and an old bint. Jay calls Dot an old bat and radio rental. Dot calls herself a miserable old bag always quoting from the Bible. Hazel calls herself pregnant. Hazel calls Minty very easily bamboozled. Minty calls Manchester City a bit useful since Sven's been there. Heather calls Hazel Dolly to Minty's Kenny. Garry calls Heather a Blues Brothers reject. Shirley calls Heather Miss Marple. Carly calls Shirley a lying manipulative clapped out old tramp. Phil whacks Jack. Kevin croaks. Dot does her Bennett meets Beckett one woman show. Robbie the budgie flies away.