Footballers Wives

[Willie Oleson]

I think I'm going to do this after I've finished season 2 of "Sisters".

...he said two years ago. (and my Sisters rewatch has been massively sabotaged by lots of other priorities).

I must say that Footballer's Wives has aged very well, it kind of feels like reading a trashy tabloid that has lots of sexy paparazzi snapshots.

Chardonnay is the gorgeous model who takes her Page 3 career very seriously and eventhough it's being sniggered at I think it signals a more unapologetic approach to fame and vanity and nudity in a mainstream context.
Footballer's Wives partially thrives on the idea of fame-for-all-and-sundry, something that will develop into much more extreme examples thanks to the internet. Paris Hilton is the queen of Fame4Fame, and very popular youtubers can become millionaires.
So there's already a sense of embracing popularity, regardless of the why and how, when Chardonnay refuses to give up her career in order to become a supporting footballer's wife.
You really can't compare this to cult icons like Brigitte Bardot, because she was French so everything she did was art. It's as simple as that.

Donna Walmsley has no intention whatsoever to support her husband in public - but will she be able to avoid the limelight completely?
Actually I didn't remember their first child Daniel at all, it's possible that I had missed these first episodes.
Of course there has to be obligatory troublesome soap sister, and Marie is a proper slut. I love her.

The meatiest part, and no-one is going to disagree with that, is the dysfunctional Turner marriage with all its unpredictable twists and outbursts.
In her very first scene, Tanya Turner immediately claims her position as the chain-smoking FW Powerhouse. She is the Sue Ellen on steroids and she just keeps giving.

Thankfully, there's also room for the men - a locker room, to be more precisely - and I really appreciate their effort to explore the sport itself from a more human angle.


I have a feeling that this rewatch will be gobbled down pretty fast, and maybe that's the best way to do it.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Footballer's Wives has the lamest bloopers I've ever seen.
The only one I liked was when the actress playing Jackie said: "I can't do any more with that cupboard" (she's supposed to be stacking stuff or rearrange things but it's too tiny).

 

[Willie Oleson]

Footballer's Wives is such an unabashedly guilty pleasure, maybe because it's mostly cynical and satirical, and they want all the characters to look as bad and stupid and horny as possible.
Yes, dear children, that was still quite a thing to behold in 2002, before the reality soaps & games took over and before random Z-listers managed to cultivate the "proud to be a stupid whore" imago - thus diminishing the "guilty" in our fictional guilty pleasures.

There's little room for hope or redemption in FW, and any moment of doubt or inner conflict is immediately overshadowed by yet another plot twist or a shag on the kitchen sink.
I think that's the main thing that sets it apart from the classic soap opera, but can we call it a soap opera when there's only 8 episodes per season? Is that very different from 13 episodes per season?

But anyway, the fabulous Hazel Bailey (who looks like Cruella De Ville sans le fur) has arrived on the scene and she's been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.
She's Jason Turner's new agent/watchdog because the conceited, past-his-glory-days loose cannon needs to be protected from himself.
And of course it takes all kinds of trickery to keep him in the game.
In a better written drama, Jason would have been a fascinating character but like I said, FW only scratches the surface and focuses on his outrageous behaviour.
But still there's something very desirable about him - a man I'd hate to love, as it were - and that makes Tanya's position a bit more believable.

Not that Tanya is all about love. She has invested in her footballer's wife career and expects something in return. She loves being the captain's wife and all the wealth and luxury that comes with it, and certain inconsistencies can be snorted away in the privacy of a toilet stall (but it doesn't become an addiction storyline).

Ian Walmsley is the opposite of Jason: very ambitious and disciplined and he's still thinking about the game when he's having sex with his wife Donna.
Again, the focus is on the mockery rather than the drama.
That said, the actors play them with energy and enthusiasm (some better than others) and that gives it just enough gravitas.
Julie Legrand is very good in her role of the compromised nurse Jeanette Dunkley.

There's a super-fun twist when the wrong Mrs. Pascoe is being informed of her pregnancy which allows the writers to cook up a secret and dysfunctional solution.
We don't get to see much of Kyle Pascoe or what this character is all about, he usually reacts to what his wife or mother says.
But at the end of season 1 it's clear that he's teetering on the brink of something.

The Walmsley kid has been kidnapped and something goes terribly wrong, and Frank Laslett finally remembers what happened on that fateful night.
Just when you thought things couldn't get worse for the fabulous Turners. Roll on series 2.

p.s. I noticed that the shower scene posted above was reused in another episode. The locker room butt shots are all exclusive because it happens in different scenes, but only the extras, not the actors. I'll keep my eyes peeled for any fakery or inconsistency.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Season 1 was fun, but season 2 is soapier because the drama/romance/tragedy feels more important.
After a harrowing period of waiting for news about their kidnapped daughter, Walmsley's career at Earls Park FC is over and Donna has chosen to continue her relationship with that slimy Biagi. I'd love to strangle him with his own stupid hair.
But she has a change of heart and I really liked their happy ending.

It would be easier to describe what doesn't happen to the Turners, also because Jason is involved with the Pascoes - and their baby in particular.
Jackie has totally underestimated her feelings for baby Paddy and now it's family at war!
The christening is a pretty picture but at the same time it looks rather trashy, just like their fairy tale wedding and the silly fairy tale costumes.
It's the kind of thing some rich people do just because they can and it almost gives me a feeling of vicarious shame.

There's also a dead body in the pool, Tanya seduces new and very young player Darius and club owner Frank Laslett is still on the warpath.
It's very addictive non-stop entertainment.

I'll keep my eyes peeled for any fakery or inconsistency

Well, Jason's big hairy ass was definitely no fake!

 

[Willie Oleson]

Just finished season 2 and I've got to say it was absolutely fantastic.
The Pascoes become more likeable eventhough it took a few bitch-slaps to get there. Nurse Dunkley returns to blackmail Tanya and the whole situation goes from bad to worse.
Biagi becomes sort of romantically involved with Stefan's daughter, a girl with psychological problems (wasn't hard to figure out why). It's not as exhilarating as the other storylines but it's watchable enough.
Zoe Lucker gives an explosive performance in the renewal of vows scene, and Jason's reaction to Tanya's betrayal sent me in a tizzy.
(incidentally, I find this renewal of vows concept so tacky, regardless of who's doing it).

Jason spanks Darius (lucky bitch) because he's becoming too opinionated, so I'll add it for the FW-bum-score.

After all, it is about football.

I think Darius becomes a nasty little rapist in the next season, or season 4?

 

[Willie Oleson]

Series 3 starts with Chardonnay's funeral (huh? huh? oh, she starved herself to death) and her best friend Tanya Turner cites Robbie Williams' Angels.
With Jason Turner gone (boo! hiss!) there's room for a new captain and that is going to be Conrad, a skinny guy with a sexy smile, funny ears, complicated hair and lots of fashion awareness.
His very first scene reminds us that this is still very much a football story.

His wife Ambah is a Bollywood actress and also a one-note bitch, the type that usually dies first in a slasher movie. Unfortunately that's not the case in Footballer's Wives but the shady cartel they're involved with has killed her precious dog (well, it has four legs and a tail) and put it on the menu.

Tanya marries Frank Laslett (it's a two-year contract) which seems like a neat solution to keep her in the series. After all, it's not Footballer's Widows.
Everybody tells her that she's better off without Jason, and she knows that's true, but that doesn't mean there was no bond between them at all.
I'm glad they allowed her to show some grieving. She's a good actress so it would be silly not to take advantage of it.
For whatever reason they keep dressing her up with the most hideous hairpieces, whoever thought this was a great idea deserves a special place in hell.

Kyle is angry...about stuff! And more angry, shouting! Angry! Grrrr! He even slaps his own mother, how dares he!
But then it turns out that he's struggling with the knowledge that Chardonnay had sort-of-killed Jason, which may have caused the anorexia.
Nevertheless, that continuous display of anger wears off pretty fast.

Oh and there's another football player (forgot his name) but all he does is puke.
Darius fake-confesses the murder of Jason Turner to Tanya and expects her to fall into his arms and love him forever. As if!
Maybe there's some football in the deleted scenes, I'll check it out.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Oh and there's another football player (forgot his name) but all he does is puke.

His name is Harley, and when he doesn't puke he smiles. More importantly, he looks like Princess Diana's twin brother.

And not kinda , but like, for real. Can you believe this?
When his girlfriend Shannon meets Tanya she says with her Minnie Mouse voice: "Yi're Tinji Tirniii?" (translation: "You're Tanya Turner?")
Years after Footballer's Wives had finished I was still imitating that line. You know, spontaneously, while doing the dishes or something like that.
Yi're Tinji Tirniii? Ha, funny.

Baby Paddy looks like Butters from South Park, but Jason was very much an Eric Cartman so that makes sense.
Jackie Pascoe calls Hazel Bailey "H", which reminds me of South Park's Canadian characters T(errence), P(hillip), B(ob) and C(eline) D(ion).


Conrad and his complicated hair seem to be in constant competition, but I love his big mouth and crooked teeth.
Amber and Tanya have a catfight, which looks exciting but mostly because of the frenetic camera work, and it gets more serious at the end of the episode when Kyle hurts himself during a locker room fight. That wound looks really gross!
Frank Laslett fears he'll go bankrupt if they can't turn Earls Park into a winning team. I find him surprisingly sympathetic in season 3.

There's a recurring theme/score in all the episodes, I don't know if it's vocal or purely instrumental but it sounds like "heeeyyy".
That "heeeyy" reminds of the "staaayy" in Why Don't You Stay The Night by Brothers 'N' Sisters, and it's frustrating because I subconsciously want to turn the "heeeyy" into that Stay The Night song but of course that never happens.

And now I'm going to log out again because I'm only here to talk about Footballer's Wives and nothing else. Maybe forever.

 

[Willie Oleson]

There's a sad song playing in the background (pretty loud for a background song, to be honest) while Kyle is half-standing/half-leaning on crutch in his playroom.
He looks at all his Golden Boy trophys and pictures from season 1 and 2 and starts to cry.
I didn't immediately notice it, but he really is the surviving original Footballer now that Jason, Ian and Salvatore have been written out.

Tanya hijacks Conrad's ass when he's on a plane to somewhere for some reason.

Is that a Brazlian wax? You slut!
There's some harder softcore going on, I don't even dare to post the images.
But make no mistake, there's nothing insignificant about this scene because his behind also gets the episode's close-up freeze frame.
When Amber sees the scratches caused by Tanya's expensive fake fingernails, she realizes he's been unfaithful again. So now it's Tanya FKA Mrs. Jason Turner who's having an affair with a compulsive adulterer.

Hazel Bailey makes an interesting career move when she becomes the new owner of Earls Park, including an Alexis Carrington style board meeting.
She also has something to say to the (half-) naked workers. With some lingering on a full-frontal. *clutches pearls*

Auntie Hazel has come to the rescue. With the help of....Websy here I'm gonna turn this club around, and get you to the top of the premiership.

Tanya decides to sex Frank to death but eventually she has to resort to stimuli and that feels a bit like cheating imho.

Friends and family feature in Harley and Shannon's wedding episode. They all look like they just walked of the set of Rita, Sue & Bob Too.
The DJ plays an interesting house remix of Beethoven's 5th symphony, I wish I knew who did it so I could seek out the full version.
Tanya is dressed in a combination of black and pink & purple, I think it's based on Maleficent's outfit. I know she's going to wear a similar one (black/red/yellow) in another party episode, outing one of the players by means of a secret video recording. A risky move as it could alienate her biggest fanbase.
Anyway, Amber looks stunning in her white (!) outfit with the big white (!) feathers.


There's a big balloon surprise for Harley and Shannon, but I don't think it was supposed to luftballon a-way. I remember how excited I was when I watched it for the first time, it looked like one of those big tragedy cliffhangers.
Somewhat disappointingly, Harley manages to put the thing on the ground - but lookee! There's a twist. Unbeknownst to them he has landed in a dangerous wildlife park! Cue lion's roar.

 

[tommie]

WHERE ARE THE PENISES?

 

[Willie Oleson]

WHERE ARE THE PENISES?

IN PEYTON PLACE! KEEP WATCHING!


Needless to say I'll only post pictures that are relevant to the story or represent the mood of a scene in a way I couldn't do with words.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and Amber fakes her own kidnapping in order to revitalize Conrad's love and devotion.
It works, and she also manages to give the press a beautiful happy ending coverage.
Tanya, who's already very eager to think the worst of her nemesis, becomes suspicious when she sees Amber in such a perfectly glamorous and unscathed condition.
I'm not sure how she found out about the hotel that Amber had used as a hideout, maybe it was just a guess with very lucky results.
Thanks to some additional amateur detective work Conrad discovers the truth and throws her out.

But he's also not going back to Tanya, he's had it with women for a while. 5 minutes later he jumps on co-footballer Noah.

Baby Paddy almost drowns in the swimming pool thanks to Kyle's negligence but he's saved by the hot physiotherapist Elaine (is she the future Dr. Who?)
Either that baby was actually underwater (if only for a moment) or it was the most magical editing I've ever seen. Is there something like a stunt-baby?
Kyle's got serious gambling problems and during yet another heated argument he strikes Jackie again, this time resulting in a nosebleed.
It's all getting excitingly dysfunctional at this point, and it's interesting to see that Jackie's decision to have her baby raised by its half-brother is at the core of all the drama.
It doesn't help that Earls Park's new manager Roger Webb is also Jackie's new boyfriend.

Storywise, it doesn't hurt that Websy looks like a real dilfy.

Tanya's plan to exhaust her husband in a sexual way backfires when Frank tells her the news that his health has improved significantly. In fact, it has prolonged his life expectancy!
An impressive cholesterol and alchohol intake ("let's celebrate life, darling!") and some cocaine in his drink finally does the trick.

It's a macabre sight to see her teasing him with his medication. Frank dies as he stares in the eyes of his executioner.
And there's even more witch-like shenanigans to come when Amber contacts a voodoo master in order to fix Conrad and Tanya...it's so Nip/Tuck and I love it!

 

[Willie Oleson]

Amber has fallen from grace and she can kiss Bollywood goodbye, but she balks at the idea of doing a soap series.
Noah is hanging out at Conrad's place but he confuses sex-for-fun with love. I suppose I could attribute his clingy and delusional behaviour to his young age.
The war between Tanya and Amber intensifies but Amber's schemes and trickery only allows Tanya to get closer to Conrad.
"You can't have my life!" she screams at Tanya.
To be fair, when these women met for the first time there was no particular reason for any animosity, and it was Amber who started with the put-downs while simultaneously flaunting her perfect life and perfect husband.
I found it a rather weak set-up for their future rivalry as it misses the dramatic element of betrayal or history.

Either way, courtesy of Amber, Tanya suffers from an horrific skin rash and it all looks excitingly pulpy.
But her vulnerability - and Conrad's compassionate reaction to it - also results in a surprisingly touching scene.

Furthermore, Amber explains to someone (forgot who) how utterly challenging it can be to be the wife of a sexy, popular footballer.
Because of the many temptations there appears to be an ongoing pressure to outdo herself in order to keep him interested and entertained.
Which is probably why she agreed to engage in threesome sex.
It doesn't necessarily make them more likeable but at least it softens the effect of the one-note bitchery (if only for a few moments).

Footballer's wife Shannon is still working hard on her media-bimbo-imago, she wants to become a Chardonnay.
And again I'm reminded of that peculiar change regarding the modern perception of sexy and/or glamorous.
There's nothing new about the concept of a sexy imago but I think it used to be work/career related, and in many cases it probably wasn't something that these actresses, singers. models and whatnot set out to accomplish from the very beginning. It kinda worked out that way, and if it proved to be successful then why not maintain it?
Glamour can go hand in hand with sex appeal, but technically they're not the same thing.
As I mentioned in my first post, the Paris Hilton generation seem to have morphed these two qualities into one thing, and sexy has become a synonym for glamorous.
But it's not the kind of sexy as we (old folks) used to know it. Modern "sexy" borders on porn-ish, trying to look like expensive trash while flaunting the nip/tuck work rather than being secretive about it. There's almost something grotesque about it.

A few decades ago one might have wondered if it would be great PR to invite Katie Price, but now she's the main attraction in Harley and Shannon's wedding.
Don't get me wrong I'm not dismissing these people, I'm just intrigued by this cultural change.

I know she's going to wear a similar one (black/red/yellow) in another party episode, outing one of the players by means of a secret video recording.

Ah, another fake memory (how very Colbys Fallon of me).
It happens during a 1970s party. Tanya does ABBA, Elaine does Boney M, Darius and Harley do...Bay City Rollers (I think) and as for Jackie, the only one I could think of was the singer of ESC "Ding-A-Dong" winner Teach In.

It all looks very fabulous and the colours really pop!
The shocking outing of Noah causes some great firework between Hazel and Roger Webb.

I wasn't completely wrong about Tanya's black & flames outift.

It's totally kick-ass, I guess that's why she's wearing it for almost the entire episode. I think it's my favourite FW outfit (and the Maleficent outfit as the runner-up).

The last episode of season 3 combines the victory of Earls Park with all kinds of personal losses.

Noah gets beaten up by Angry Fans and Tanya defeats Amber with the news that she's pregnant too, but her victory is short-lived when she receives a nasty surprise video from her deceased husband. Of course I already knew this, that's why I recognized the clue in a previous episode.
Kyle completely loses it after he's been arrested. First he causes a big scene at Earls Park and then he starts to trash his own house (which isn't even his house anymore).
The last thing we see of him is when he literally runs out of the series. Kinda like Allison MacKenzie, only…faster.
What an amazing season finale!

 

[Willie Oleson]

It's big baby business in the first episode of series 4, which creates the opportunity to bring back the wicked nurse Dunkley as Tanya's accomplice.

It's a fun episode that focuses on the switcheroo and other kinds of trickery, but it kind of undermines the dysfunctional domestic situation - something that could have worked in a long-running soap series.
Neither the wives nor the footballers seem to be impressed, let alone shocked, by this bizarre father & mothers triangle. So whatever happens, happens between Contrad, Tanya and Amber.

I guess the golf scenes have to make up for the lack of football scenes. And it's not that I like to watch football (on the contrary) but in this case I would have liked to see a little bit of it for the sake of authenticity. Sometimes I have to remind myself that they are footballers, and not just a bunch of generic pretty rich people behaving badly.

These are short series so I understand that they have cut to the chase, but the introduction of Bruno and Lucy feels rather hokey, and unlike Jason and Tanya they don't have the charisma to pull it off. I simply don't understand why these people got married in the first place.
Bruno is the most handsome footballer so far but strangely enough he doesn't have as much sex appeal as Jason or Conrad (and he doesn't do any nude as far as I can recall, let's hope it's yet another fake memory).
It's also the beginning of the rapist & vengeful victim storyline, and Noah tries to cure his homosexuality in a spiritual way (I didn't remember this at all).

The episode ends with an hilarious but also extremely shocking cliffhanger.

What a way to die! And look at that guilty expression on the dog's face.
Furthermore, there's the very important question: which baby is the victim in this bizarre murder plot? And then you also have to consider the fact that that baby is not really that baby!

 

[Willie Oleson]

Amber accidentally discovers that fake-Pundarik/real-Troy had been fake-tanned by nurse Dunkley.
Initially, her claim that the babies have been switched is perceived as yet another delusion, and her hysterical behaviour only seems to confirm that belief.

The baby's grave looks more like a mini-mausoleum!
Eventually she persuades Conrad to test baby "Troy's" DNA . This leads to the reveal of Tanya's evil scheme and, consequently, her banishment from England.

Thanks to Harley's erroneous rape accusation towards Bruno, footballer's wife Lucy finds herself in an unexpectedly favourable position, and she demands all the things she couldn't do or have before.
Again, without any background or character motivation that ongoing power struggle fails to impress me.
Bruno has opened a club (Cocoon), a new set for the footballers and their wives to hang out as a group rather than seperate parties.

The thing with Darius and rape-victim Katie is sorted after a kidnap/hostage scenario, but this is also the beginning of Darius' nervous breakdown! Yes, another hysterical footballer.

I had to wipe the drool of my mouth when I saw baby Pundarik's Fabergé egg-shaped cradle.

It's like a prop from a Snow White movie, and even by Footballer's Wives standards completely over-the-top.
In the meantime, Tanya Turner pops up in Alexis Carrington's former playground, charming an old and overweight millionaire. Oh well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta to do.
That also applies to Shannon Lawson who's trying to make the most of her celebrity status. She's such a hoot!
She's currently filming a six part documentary about, well, Footballer's Wives. The rest of the cast doesn't like to be filmed and nobody's watching the show.
The cameras also unintentionally expose the illegal aliens working in the kitchen of Cocoon. (Bruno doesn't like it when you say the Cocoon).

Roger's son Sebastian "Seb" Webb joins the cast and immediately injects some serious father-son dysfunction into the show. Roger is determined to avoid nepotism but this manifests itself in unreasonable demands and expectations towards his son.
Conrad has to bend over backwards to win Amber's love back, but she wants her own life and career before she's ready to become Mrs. Gates again.
We've seen this scenario countless times in other soap stories, and it's just never exciting to watch.
Amber has set her sights on a singing career but the only thing she's good at is playing the difficult diva. And that duet with Peter Andre is also not going to happen.

Ha ha!

 

[Willie Oleson]

There's a mini-dip halfway through season 4, especially episode 6 doesn't bode well for the rest of the season.
I think the reason is that Roger Webb is the main bad guy while in essence he's not. He's making enemies right, left and center but storywise it doesn't make sense.
Then there's Harley and Shannon and their documentary including the charity cause "adopt a granny". It's silly and not really funny.

But then Roger realizes what a pain in the *ss he's been all this time - that itself is not so entertaining, except that the people he's angered have no intention whatsoever to bury the hatchet and move on as if nothing has happened.
And then suddenly there's a whole new arrangement of feuds and alliances between various characters that makes it fresh and exciting again.

Conrad and Amber have now become the couple that Kyle and Chardonnay were in season 1. And eventhough Amber is still a very bitchy prima donna, she helps Lucy to escape from her obsessive husband.
Lucy has met a guy in an online chatroom, at first it looked a bit suspicious but then he turned out to be the real thing. Only to reverse all that in the season final episode when it's revealed that the death of his fiancée (a car accident caused by Dr. Giles himself) has resulted in mental derangement, hence why he's no longer working in the hospital.

With so much of the focus on Roger and his footballer son it feels like a football soap again.
Seb starts to use dirty tricks to undermine Roger and Jackie's marriage, and it's not like I had expected him to forgive his father just like that, but Seb really seems to enjoy his vicious games.
And of course Jackie is the key victim in all this.

There's a glimpse of what makes Bruno tick: the knowledge that his career won't last forever and the need to stay on top for as long as possible, the investment in the club which proves to be a financial disaster, the fear of losing a good retirement. All those things beyond his control, so he controls whatever he can, and his wife in particular.
But somehow they can't maintain this point of view and it's mostly dastardly behaviour for entertainment value.

Jackie confesses to Roger what happened between her and Seb (or actually, what he made her believe that happened) and Roger throws him out.
Seb strikes back with the most sordid news article so far.

It's brilliantly shocking.

Tanya Turner returns with the ashes of her (presumably) wealthy husband, it's all very obvious in that "the bitch is back" kind of way.
Harley meets up with Katie - looking more like Barbarella again - and eventhough she claims that she's not a homewrecking slut she also makes it very clear that she wants him.
Shannon's had an accident which caused her to lose her breast implants. This is rather similar to Chardonnay's ordeal but I do understand that it's very important to her to feel good about herself. And she really liked her nip/tucked Footballer's Wife look.

Dr. Giles sees Lucy as his dead fiancée Magda, and decides to reunite in heaven, including Bruno's daughter Angelica.

It looks like it's going to be a gassy demise for Bruno's unlucky wife...
Meanwhile, Bruno and Conrad are on the hunt for the dangerous doctor, but something goes terribly wrong when they enter the wrong house from different sides.

OMG!

And so series 4 ends with an outrageously suspenseful and shocking cliffhanger!
I already know that series 5 is going to be wicked and wild when Eva De Wolfe arrives with her harem of f*cked up "Frank Ashkani" boys.
Bring it on!

 

[Willie Oleson]

I already know that series 5 is going to be wicked and wild

Understatement of the year.

The death of Conrad Gates results in two new storylines: his replacement character (with obligatory bitchy-fashion-model-girlfriend, of course) and the cover-up of the shooting accident itself. Officially, deranged Dr. Giles Arrowsmith is the one who killed Conrad, eventhough he was trying to gas himself (and Lucy and Angelica) in a different location (!!). How on earth did Bruno and Lucy manage to convince the police - and the woman who occupied the place (!) - that that's how it happened?
And who saved Dr. Giles, Lucy and Angelica? And why did Lucy decide to go back to Bruno?
It's a massive plot hole stinker.
Amber is the only one who suspects something (how could she not!) and she does some spiritual scooby-doo in a fabulous mini-temple.

That's great, but it's not enough to solve the "mystery".
She suspects Bruno, and in order to get closer to him they also concoct a few character-remakes and a big fat retcon on top of that.

Apparently, Bruno was a bigamist-with-kids in season 4, and the episode starts with an under the table divorce. The brand new ex-wife actually shows up for a few minutes.
It's very important that Lucy doesn't find out because they are planning - hold on - a renewal of vows ceremony in a Pride & Prejudice theme.
Lucy does find out and then she storms into the church to reenact Tanya Turner's scene in the series 2 finale. Lame.
Without rhyme or reason their roles have been switched: Lucy is the cool bitch and Bruno has become a pathetic, blubbering mess.

Come to think of it, this would actually make sense if it was more obviously linked to his guilt over accidentally killing Conrad. But no, he's just very sad because his former slave doesn't want to be his wife anymore. It's...it's....
So anyway, a situation has been created for Amber to move in on Bruno by means of pretended support and affection.

Harley and the homewrecking slut Katie have moved to Spain (need to update my avatar) but Shannon is still...there. She and Amber reenact the Earls Park catfight from season 3 (although it was funny that Amber called her a Scouse bitch).
Speaking of Earls Park....

...we must applaud Footballer's Wives for trying to capture that quintessential footballer-ish atmosphere, even if Bruno looks a bit overdressed.

New player is Trey Gibidi-something, and he's very into flashy outfits and all sorts of bling. I guess that includes his girlfriend. They've also created a race-awareness for these characters, I don't remember if that's going to be a recurring topic.

To be fair, Trey's physique does make it a little easier to get over Conrad's exit. Girlfriend turns out to be bi-sexual, but that doesn't seem particularly shocking after Conrad & Amber's sexy lifestyle in season 3. Oh, and gay footballer Noah is gone, too.
Darius Fry is back on the field but ultimately disappoints the new club owner. I'm sorry but I still have to learn all the new names.
Club Owner wants to get rid of Darius and arranges for an accident, courtesy of his henchmen. He also loves to do karaoke, and this gangster-style juxtaposition tells us that it's going to be a very, very over the top last season.
I'm ready for it, but this first episode almost makes NuDynasty look like a well-written show.

It looks like Amber has discovered something, could it be the missing rifle (hello, police?) that was used in the series 4 final episode?

For all the Conrad4EvaFans:

 

[Willie Oleson]

Tremaine Gidigbi's girlfriend Liberty has too much of everything and but she's always moping and she doesn't seem too thrilled when Tremaine surprises her with a wedding ring.
She's a rich and successful model and she wants to be with Urszula, so….why not end the relationship and move out? I don't really get the drama here, and it only makes her look like a very unlikeable person.
Liberty's lover/personal assistant Urszula is a remix of DALLAS' Grace Van Owen, THE COLBYS' Anna Rostov and - performance-wise - DYNASTY's Amanda Carrington II. Nevertheless, I'm a sucker for cool chicks with funny accents.

The production values of Footballer's Wives are still top-notch, there's eye candy everywhere!


One thing I noticed about Bruno's mansion is that it looks so impersonal, I mean it's garnish enough but it doesn't look particularly comfortable or masculine.
But at some point it becomes the topic of conversation and then it becomes clear that he wanted that Pride & Prejudice house to be exactly like that, a monument to his success, as it were.
And then it also makes more sense that he wanted his wife to be a part of that perfect picture. A devoted hausfrau and mother without any personal needs.

I really miss Hazel Bailey, she and her Carly Simon look-alike girlfriend should have gotten a Tennis Wives spin-off. In my very opinion.

Amber carries out her plans to gaslight Bruno and make him pay for what he's done. It feels good to watch him suffer because he was such an *sshole in season 4, not to mention the fact that he actually did kill Conrad.
Which means he's footballer-turns-nutcase #4...or is it 5? Not that Amber is the epitome of sanity, but then, she never was.

Shortly before Darius' "accident" they hinted at a romantic storyline between him and Shannon, and I thought it looked really sweet considering the bad stuff that had happened in the previous season. Also, I think Peter Ash is one of the better actors in Footballer's Wives.
But his career is over, and thanks to the insurance payout Earls Park can afford to acquire the best-new-talent Callum Watson.

Roger Webb becomes suspicious when he finds out that this deal had already been made before Darius' accident, except that there wasn't enough money to finalize the deal.
They waste no time coupling Shannon and Callum, ah -but there's a nasty surprise. Callum is living with his conniving and overbearing mother who thinks that Shannon is nothing but a slutty skank.
I know FW is all about non-stop thrills and wickedness, yet I couldn't help but roll my eyes at the prospect of another Evil Schemer storyline.
Not that the 80s soaps shied away from repetitive storylines and characters but when one binges a "condensed" version it can be a bit too much sometimes.
I don't remember exactly how it's going to pan out so maybe it's going to be a lot of fun anyway.

He also loves to do karaoke

Well, not just karaoke. Garry Ryan is an ex-rock star, and Jackie Pascoe Webb used to be one of his biggest fans.
I also remember how amused and mysterious Hazel was when she told Amber that the next club owner was going to be "something else".
Garry looks like Frank Laslett evil bastard brother (another Hazel-quote, but it in a different context) but apart from that there's nothing peculiar about the actor himself.
Suddenly I wondered if he was a national celebrity, maybe even a real-life rock star of the Gary Glitter calibre, or - gasp - an ex-Bay City Roller! But he's not.
Never mind, on with the story. He invites Roger and Jackie for a private party, and when they arrive their host conjures up the image of Willy Wonka in the Sex & Drugs Factory.

"Welcome to my world".

Bruno suddenly suspects Lucy to be the person behind the bizarre occurrences, but since she isn't she realizes it has to be Amber.
They break into her fabulous mini-temple and are stunned to see the macabre shrine to Conrad and images of the gaslighting scenarios.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Don't f*ck with me, Tanya!

Eva De Whatever, yeah right! This is ALEXIS for grown-ups.
It's given me such an energy rush, simultaneously squealing and hyperventilating.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Something funny happened after I had finished episode 6 and then went back to episode 5 for a screen shot. It started with the same scene but I noticed that the video progress/playing time bar had already skipped the first 6 or 7 minutes.
I went back to the episode menu...

….and for the first time I saw "Play Episode". And then it actually starts with the Footballer's Wives theme (a mini-theme, but still) and the introduction scenes.
Although it was kinda funny that this episode incorrectly "started" with the mayhem of the turbulence.
Anyway, I checked the other episodes to see if I had missed something important, turned out this was not the case (hadn't really expected it to be), but then I remembered….
*wobbly flashbacks*

And who saved Dr. Giles, Lucy and Angelica? Angelica? gelica? And why did Lucy decide to go back to Bruno? Bruno? uno?
It's a massive plot hole stinker! stinker! inker!

*wobbly unflashbacks*
And indeed, series 5 first episode starts with a summary monologue by Bruno Milligan.

It still doesn't explain the cover-up, the missing gun that also didn't belong to Dr. Giles etc. but at least there's a mention of Bruno's other family and there's a scene between him and Lucy that "explains" why she went back to him. Because he's less psycho than Giles? It's a tacky intro to be honest and now I almost regret that I discovered it.

And now, let's talk Joan Collins.

After the disturbing discovery in the mini-temple, Bruno starts to fight back and it becomes a painfully unsubtle cat-and-mouse game that is still kind of fun to watch. File under "so bad it's good".
He also burns down her mini-temple with all the evidence (pictures of Conrad = evidence?)

Eventually it comes to a confrontation and after that Amber threatens to shoot him and - more shockingly - revamps herself into an Indian war goddess in a Lucy Milligan design.
That same Lucy Milligan knocks her unconscious and destroys most of Amber's brain cells in the process, but not before a fatal gunshot causes Roger to lose his sight!
It's just an average cliffhanger for the Footballer's Wives!

Tanya's return in the fourth series finale suggests that she's been "missing" for a few episodes, but it didn't actually happen at that point in the story, it was more like a mini-trailer within the episode!
She also spots the foreign footballer player recently acquired by "Sparks", then there's the turbulence and a passionate kiss, and to cut a long story short, he's going to be Mr. Tanya Turner #4.
But wait!
Paolo (who could be Salvatore Biagi's little brother) belongs to a lady with a very, very familiar face.

And a very familiar catty attitude. Of course it's a big honour to be insulted by The One And Only, but Tanya doesn't quite see it that way.

Tremaine and Liberty are getting married. Hurrah. What that horrible Liberty needs is a big meteor on top of her ten million dollar head!
Footballer Tremaine is loyal and faithful and divine, but there's also a "connection" between him and Lucy. It goes way back to that lunchbox-in-her-face moment.
I really shouldn't talk about it.
Footballer's Wives mocks the bling & vulgarity of the nouveau riche (at least that's my interpretation of it) but that doesn't take away the fact that the decor and many of the outfits are simply mouthwatering. Even by 2020 standards, this looks very very good.

It almost out-dynasties Dynasty. Will Alexis out-lexis herself this time?

Like Conrad before him, Bruno is trying to win back his ex-wife. I don't mind watching a separated couple on an emotional journey as it can reinforce that feeling of True Love, but if the plot is only about the end result then it's never going to satisfy.
I also miss the footballers slag parties. Jason Turner would turn in his grave if he could see the Earls Park prissypants grovel for the wifey's affection.

Meanwhile, Tanya is getting more and more interested in Paolo and there are various confrontations between her and Eva De Wolffe.

Like publishing the most unflattering pictures of Tanya - and look, Mark Jennings was there too!
However, Tanya's not afraid to bite the dust and that's what makes her victories so satisfying.
She discovers the truth about Eva's relationship with Paolo (Marcelo) - she adopted him when he was a caged and abused little boy - and she threatens to give the story to the press.
Eva responds, in that typical Alexis style: Hahahaha, I AM the press! There's a mighty bitch-slap and an almost-strangulation (this time Alexis is on the other side of the throat, how thrilling!) and the camp line "Momma says go to your room!" , channeling Ruth Roman in the cult-classic THE BABY.
It's a relatively long scene and they're milking it for all it's worth, to the point of losing momentum. But hey, you don't get to do an Alexis-rematch every day.

All in all, a mixed bag of great & bad stuff, but never boring.

 

[tommie]

View attachment 23090

PENISES!

 

[Willie Oleson]

Just trying to get this thread to page 3...

Lots of excitement in the penultimate episode.
Roger Webb wants to stay involved in Earl's Park despite his blindness. Jackie secretly visits Garry to ask him to create a prestige job for Roger, counselling the new team manager or something like that.
She starts to trip after Garry has drugged her and it all looks very hilarious but there's also a distinct sinister undertone.

Maybe it's the masks that reminds me of cult worshipping. He also tries to rape her but she manages to fight him off.
When Roger finds out what happened he threatens Garry to expose the insurance scheme that ended Darius Fry's career, even if that's going to implicate Roger himself.
He's going to bring Garry down, and to hell with the consequences.
But the only one who's going down is Roger when Garry leads him to an elevator...without an elevator! Thud!

The story of Shannon and the Watsons plays out without any additional twists.

But the relationship between her and Callum turns sour when he learns that Shannon had organized the interview to corner Trisha.

Footballer Paolo Bardosa assures Tanya that he's gotten Eva De Wolffe out of his system but this turns out to be wishful thinking.
During a housewarming party in Carnival De Brazil style he explodes when he witnesses a drunken Callum trying to kiss Tanya.
He starts to trash the room and then Callum's car (or maybe it was someone else's car, but that's not relevant).
Suddenly there's a mood swing and he tells Tanya - and all the guests - that he's been bad, he's dirt and deserves to be punished.

"Mama, send Marcelo to his room! Maaamaaaa!"
It's yet another brilliantly shocking highlight in the Footballer's Wives series, and the kind of thing Dynasty should have done with Peter De Vilbis, obviously.
So that's footballer-turns-nutcase #7 - or is it 8?

And then FW surprises me again with a grim and melancholic final episode.

Jackie gets to act out the aftermath of Roger's "accident", Tanya is financially ruined and Liberty makes a very bad decision when she's offered to shoot a very lucrative but race-stereotyping commercial in Japan, which causes a public outrage in England.


Somehow, everyone except for Garry Ryan ends up being a bit more likeable in this final episode. But then again, a series final episode is never without a dash of melancholy so maybe that mellowed my opinion of these outrageous and self-centered characters. But I still don't like Liberty.

The cliffhangers:
Lucy thinks she might be carrying Tremaine's child (they actually had sex? Must have happened in one of those first 5 minutes I didn't see)
Shannon catches Callum having sex with another girl, and when she's dancing with another guy Callum starts a fight but accidentally knocks out Shannon.

Right after that Liberty hobbles out of the bathroom after she's being attacked by a black woman for reasons described above.
Tanya and Jackie discover that the fatal encounter between Roger and Garry was accidentally recorded on his dicatphone.
There's nothing left for Jackie in England and she decides to join Cole Kyle in Australia. She leaves it to Tanya to deal with Garry Ryan, but I don't know what Jackie expected her to do - to destroy him or to make a big fat profit.
Either way, as long as Tanya has copies of the recording there's never going to be a genuine agreement, so…..


And now, for the first time, I'm going to watch the never-watched-before spin off Footballer's Wives EXTRA TIME. How exciting!