SoapLand - The Battle Of The Phone Calls - The Result

[Richard Channing]

It's our favourite phone calls up next. That can be a conversation where we see both participants or just one. Be it good news, bad news, a cry for help, or arranging a secret rendezvous, it could be anything. Soapland had some pretty dramatic phone calls over the years so there are plenty of great moments to choose from.

 

[Carrie Fairchild]

Telephone earring manoeuvres a go go!

 

[Mel O'Drama]

1. Abby’s Midnight Caller
Knots Landing

“They’re being placed in a good home. As you requested.”

Late at night, on the evening of Valene’s twins' "stillbirth", Abby is contacted by a mystery caller clinically requesting “the father’s blood type” which is “essential for the paperwork”.

The staging of the phone call is wonderful. It’s one long, single shot which begins wide so we see Abby curled up on the sofa from a slightly distant and objective viewpoint. Then the camera slowly moves in while also subtly changing angle. The overall effect is of the room itself beginning to float away into the shadows of the dimly lit room. As the camera gets tighter and tighter we have a unique opportunity to see the wheels turning in Abby’s mind as she processes the information given to her by the Vito Corleone soundalike and puts the pieces together. At the same time, we're processing the same conversation in our own way. In other words, we are completely in that moment with her.

As the truth dawns on both Abby and viewer, the room’s two sources of light - the lamp’s glow and the tongues of flame from the fire - appear behind Abby, one over each shoulder like the proverbial angel and devil, with Abby caught in between the two. Intended or not (I like to think it was), it perfectly suggests the situation in which Abby now finds herself. She’s gone from confusion to irritation a flicker of relief and then horror. By the end of the scene, we’re in a tight close up of Abby’s face and we've been drawn into a state of pure subjectivity. It’s for the viewer to surmise what Abby may be thinking and feeling about her newfound knowledge. The only certainties are that she’s already up to her neck in it and whatever she does with the information will only get her even deeper into the mire.






2. Diana tries to phone home
Knots Landing

“Mommy, it’s me..”

Knots’s very own Patty Hearst attempts to contact her family from a diner while her captor is just out of sight. I found this an excitingly suspenseful scene the first time I watched, and somehow knowing what’s coming on repeat viewings has only added to the excitement.

Diana excuses herself, Chip watches her go into the ladies' room but doesn’t see her come back out and and sneak to the phone booth which is dangerously close to him. Every second counts as she dials the number. Rotary phones are the best for these scenes. Especially when there’s a “7” “8” or “9”, which takes forever to get back into place. I think there are several here. She fumbles with coins. Then we cut to Karen’s phone ringing. Except we have to wait. Because the police need to get a trace. And there’s a price to pay for those crucial seconds that goes way beyond the $1.20.

Bonus points here for Karen’s less-than-Pollyannic commentary about telecommunications. First she criticises the “hi-tech garbage" taking up half her living room and then she brutally destroys it with her bare hands. I may be wrong, but my theory is that subconsciously she had to do it because it clashed with her decor.







3. Greg learns of his wife’s death
Knots Landing

“It’s just you and me.”

Knots ends its one hundred and ninety ninth episode with a quiet scene in which Bill Devane listens impassively to an unheard voice at the end of the line, before gently breaking the news to his equally quiet daughter... and to us. The news is big, but it’s the understatement which brings this home and makes it truly heartbreaking.






4. Miss Ellie’s world is rocked
Dallas

“They say that Jock is dead...”

The Dallas landscape would never be the same again. The audience knew this was on the cards, but everyone involved gives it their all and it's to the strength of the series. Barbara Bel Geddes wrings pure emotion from her few words as only a stage actor can and in those moments art imitates life in the best way possible.






5. Krystle phones home and the former Mrs Carrington answers
Dynasty

“No answer. Well, at least it wasn’t one of those heavy breathers.”

Krystle misunderstands and sobs into her fur. Alexis relishes the moment and sees no need to spoil a fun situation with boring facts. Blake wears a beige cardigan and thinks about pouring himself a drink.

The dynamic between Dynasty’s big three would hit very similar notes episode after episode; season after season, but this first time out actually meant something. Kind of.

 

[Mel O'Drama]

Special mentions for...



Jill realises she needs a Plan B
Knots Landing

“Tried to...?!! You mean she’s not...?”

Not content with a plot to murder Valene, Jill attempts to destroy the instrument over which she hears less than good news. And this time, the rubber gloves are off.






Mark St Claire’s Negotiations
Knots Landing

“Mack Mackenzie’s jeep will be parked in front of the hotel. Get in the driver’s seat and wait. When you see Gary running toward you start the engine...”
“There’s a bomb planted in Mack’s jeep. You’ve a half hour to save him.”

Contrivances galore set the scene for Knots’s most unashamedly soapy cliffhanger. It’s bewildering and yet thoroughly engrossing to see these familiar players behaving as though they’re in a crime drama. Mark St Claire is the Life Master and the main characters become pawns moving around the board exactly as he’d planned. Almost. But one wrong move can throw the entire contest.

With St Claire’s moustache twirling consecutive phone calls to Valene and Karen, the plot is stretched kicking and screaming to its limits. It’s rather like watching friends bungee jump: you know they won’t actually hit the ground, but there are a few heart-racing moments where all the same it looks as though they might. Some small part of you may question the point of it all, but overall you’re left with an exciting, satisfying rush.

In the end, I omitted this one from my top five because it was technically two phone calls. But I couldn't not mention it at all.

 

[Toni]

It's our favourite phone calls up next. That can be a conversation where we see both participants or just one. Be it good news, bad news, a cry for help, or arranging a secret rendezvous, it could be anything. Soapland had some pretty dramatic phone calls over the years so there are plenty of great moments to choose from.

Oh my gawd! This could become a Pamela Barnes Ewing Festival if I lose control...!!

 

[Toni]

1- Pam, looking gorgeous with a new short bouffant, gets the news that Mark is deeaaaad...! (Or isn´t he, or only in her dreams...?) - "Dallas: Love Stories" (OR S6) aka "one of those calls when they hang up without saying "thank you" or "goodbye" (ungrateful beeches)

"I´ll really miss that big moustache!"​

2- Sue Ellen learns about the birth of Jesse Metcalfe Christopher, presumably her sister´s and JR´s baby - "Dallas: New Beginnings" (OR S3) aka "You bastard finally have a real bastard" (allegedly, but he had to wait until The Codyman James Beaumont showed up!)

"This baby will literally be an s.o.b.!"​

3- Gary calls Miss Ellie after messing up their bedroom while Val is in hospital for a botox injection tumor removal - "Knots Landing: The Loudest Word" (S2) aka "the crossover that never happened but should, guest-starring Barbara Bel Geddes as the one and only Miss Ellie"

"No Mama, I couldn´t find the china to break it!"​

4- WaCklaudia gets a call from Bart Simpson her missing-presumed-dead husband Matthew probably meaning: a) Their freaky daughter might be alive too! b) She might be a bigamist (thus making her and Steven "the bisexual and the bigamist"! and c) Bo Hopkins would get residuals from having her Season one lines used to do those mysterious messages - "Dynasty: The Voice" (I) (S4)

NuSteven: "Who was it Fallon, Spelling saying she was axed?"
RealFallon: "No, she´d have learned thru the press..."
UsualClaudia: "What happened, am I in Season 1 Hell...?"
​

5- The glamorous star formerly known as Kim Novak makes her entrance in all her blonde splendor when she calls Angela pretending to be her roasted friend Skylar Kimball - "Falcon Crest: Aftershocks" (S6) aka "that moment when everybody at home said: she finally threw away that awful black wig!"

"Helloooo...This issss...
Season 6 Special Guest Staaaaar"


​

Honorable mentions:
- Afton calls Pam in France to tell her that Katherine Wentwicked is trying to steal her Bobby awaaaay! ("Dallas: The Tangled Web", OR S5) No matter how many times I watched this scene, it always seems to me a deliciously comical touch with Afton coming across as a Biloxi hickey who can´t even make a phone call!
- Sue Ellen gets a call from Dusty to meet and make love sweet love in Houston (though it´s Lucy the one who answers the phone and is suspiciously hinting dirty little things (wink wink)). After hanging up, Sue makes up a very silly story about a surprise party that raises Lucy´s eyebrows... ("Dallas: Paternity Suit" (I think, OR S2)

 

[Richard Channing]

1. Abby/Greg/Olivia

Olivia is left reeling after she overhears a condensed synopsis of season 6 in about 20 seconds, which shows her exactly what her mother is capable of.

2. Pam gets new of Mark's death

All the more poignant because now we understand the look in Mark's eyes when he left Pam that morning after they had spent a beautiful, and what would be their final, night together.



3. Claudia/The ghost of Matthew

Someone who's obviously taped season 1 of Dynasty is playing a nasty trick on Claudia, whose response is to collapse on the floor. Oh Claudia, you're such a drama queen.

4. Miss Ellie gets news of Jock's death

A powerhouse performance here from BBG and a pivotal moment in Dallas' history. (From 3.03)

5. Alexis calls Morgan Hess

And so Alexis' crusade against Krystle begins...



"The subject's name is Mrs. Blake Carrington, formerly known as Krystle Grant. I want to know everything about her, everything".

 

[Richard Channing]

Honourable mentions:

Val hears that Gary has married Abby.

I guess it's an iconic moment but it's from a later and more mediocre season of Dallas which is why I haven't rated it higher. But it deserves recognition as possibly the only season finale cliffhanger to end with a phone call.



Jill realizes that her plan hasn't worked and that she may be in very deep shit.

Jordan's father JJ finally says he's sorry for all the trauma he caused her by molesting her as a child. Then proceeds to blow his brains out over the phone. Good one JJ.



Pam's final scene, a bittersweet phone call, just before tragedy strikes.



Sable's not in the mood.

 

[Mel O'Drama]

Olivia is left reeling after she overhears a condensed synopsis of season 6 in about 20 seconds, which shows her exactly what her mother is capable of.

I love how Tonya Crowe is completely into giving this scene her all. That post-commercial stunned reaction at 2:47 is pure Linda Gray.

Someone who's obviously taped season 1 of Dynasty

 

[Mel O'Drama]

Incidentally, from looking at the screenshots and videos on this page I'm rather surprised how many left-handed receiver holders there are.

 

[Carrie Fairchild]

Most of my nominations stem from "best use of a phone as a prop" rather than the actual content of the conversations but here goes.

1 - Dallas - "I'd like to report a double murder. This is Sue Ellen Ewing"


From the season 11 cliffhanger where Nicholas goes over the balcony and Sue Ellen pumps JR full of lead. It is not exactly Dallas in its prime but it's camp and OTT fun.

2 - Dynasty - The Cabin


Alexis was flat out on the phone in this episode which included a telephone earring manoevre as she called Krystle to lure her to a cabin under false pretences. But its her scene with Mark that does it for me. The call itself was pretty inconsequential (phoning security to remove Mark) but it was her ultra camp head turn which practically gave her whiplash and near spun the wig off her head that wins it for me.

3 - Sable and Alexis' First Scene

It would be three years before we would actually see them face to face but clunky exposition aside, this scene was a nice taster of things to come.

4 - Angela's Interrupted Call

I love this for its cheesiness. Never mind your pistols. They're no match for Angela's mighty cordless phone.

5 - Sable Couldn't Be Arsed


Another that makes it in for camp value alone. Tired of her sisters BS, Sable returns the phone to its receiver and stands stoically as her nails dry while Frankie stews.

 

[Alexis]

Incidentally, from looking at the screenshots and videos on this page I'm rather surprised how many left-handed receiver holders there are.

Wouldn't it have been common for dramatic soap diva types to hold the receiver in the left hand so as to dial dramatically with the right.

 

[Mel O'Drama]

Wouldn't it have been common for dramatic soap diva types to hold the receiver in the left hand so as to dial dramatically with the right.

Of course. Dramatic dialling.

I knew there had to be a perfectly simple explanation.

 

[Willie Oleson]

1. KNOTS LANDING - A Phony Call From Ben

After phony messages on an answering machine, Jill decides to up the ante with a "live" conversation. It's just a snippet so the phonecall only lasts a few moments.
But then Valene, totally confused and over-excited, calls the operator in order to trace the call.
"My husband just called me from South America!"
When Jill leaves we can still hear Valene's hysterical voice, accompanied by a very eerie version of Mockin' Bird Hill, which makes the public phone look like an evil jukebox.

2. THE COLBYS - A Phony Disconnection

To cut a long story short: Fallon is pregnant, in the mountains, in pain and needs a doctor a.s.a.p.
Channing feels her happiness is being overshadowed by Fallon's baby, so when she offers to help and calls a doctor, she pretends that she can't hear him.
"Hello? Can you hear me? This is an emergency!"
-"Yes I can hear you, but can you hear me?"
Channing hangs up.
"The line is completely dead. Oh my god, Fallon, what are we going to do?"

3. DALLAS - J.R. Calls The Shots

"Dad? Dad!"
Interestingly, this phone conversation was completely staged (for obvious reasons) so they sort of did it like Jill did with Ben Gibson's voice.

4. DALLAS - Mistaken Identity

Christopher discovers that the other person on the phone is not his wife, and the woman who's not his wife discovers that the other person on the phone is not her brother.

5. THE YELLOW ROSE - Beyond The Call Of Duty

Caryn Carbrera, the personal assistant of evil Jeb Hollister, betrayes her employer when she calls his estranged sister to tell her that her brother might die.
To make sure that the estranged sister is interested, she tells her that Jeb's daughter is romantically involved with Roy Champion, Jeb's nemesis, and if that merger goes through they will control both empires.
Caryn reminds the estranged sister that the estranged sister's son, fathered by Roy Champion's father, is both a Champion and a Hollister, and therefore deserves to inherit it all.
Caryn's motive isn't very clear but there's a lot of soap in that single phone call.

 

[Daniel Avery]

1. Greg's one-sided (to us, anyway) phone call on episode 199 ("Flight of the Sunbirds") of Knots Landing, which obviously gave him the news of Laura's death. It was a case where we didn't need to hear the actual words.

2. Anne Matheson has been in Knots Landing hoping to rekindle her college romance with Mack MacKenzie right under Karen's nose. When it becomes apparent that Mack just isn't that much into Anne these days, she makes a catty phone call to Karen, denouncing Mack and Karen's suburban lives, the Kiss The Cook Aprons, the backyard barbecues, and their dead-end lives on a dead-end street. Little does Anne know Mack is standing right behind her and overhears it all. The jig was officially up, but I actually loved the way Anne dissected things from an outsider's perspective.

3. The phone call KL's Abby got about the placement of the babies. Donna Mills supposedly lobbied the producers to give Abby plausible deniability in the kidnapping of the babies, so little wonder she sold the hell out of Abby's confusion and shock when she figured out what the man was really telling her.

4. KL's Olivia overhearing Greg and Abby discussing the twins' kidnapping. Oh, the good old days of landlines with extensions that allowed for remote eavesdropping.

5. KL's Karen wanted some answers abut Paige, the mystery woman claiming to be Mack's daughter. In the episode "Gifts," Karen finally got Paige's grandfather on the line, who accused her of being a "sick woman" for asking such questions about his long-dead granddaughter. Karen thought for sure she had gotten the goods on this "fake".

An honorable mention to the crank phone calls that Ginger Ward received in "Constant Companion". Kim Lankford plays "freaked-out" very well in this story, but since it was a series of calls consisting only of a baby crying, it doesn't quite fit the contest.

 

[Willie Oleson]

When it becomes apparent that Mack just isn't that much into Anne these days, she makes a catty phone call to Karen, denouncing Mack and Karen's suburban lives

She and Racine from PAPER DOLLS would make a great couple.

 

[Angela Channing]

1. Nothing quite beats the total drama of Jordan Robert finally getting closure when she receives an emotional phone call from her father JJ in which he admits his abuse of her and then he unexpectedly shoots himself dead while she is still listening. FALCON CREST

2. Tyrone is on the phone to Julia telling her that soon he will destroy them all, listing all the main cast members and knocking over a chess piece with each name he says. He ends by saying he will begin with Lute Mae and he throws her chess piece into the fire. Pure melodrama, camp and brilliance. FLAMINGO ROAD.

3. This one is 2 consecutive phone calls. After Val urges Laura to tell the truth, Laura has the phone in her lap to call the police to confess that she made up the story about being raped which enabled the real rapist in the district to go free. Before she makes the call, Richard phones her first to tell her the real rapist has been caught with conclusive evidence which allows Laura to continue hiding the truth from her husband. She then calls the police to tell them there's no need to pursue looking for her "rapist". The whole scene was so beautifully constructed and filmed, the accompanying background music was sensational and Constance McCashin gives such a great performance. KNOTS LANDING

4. Pam Ewing's final scene when she's on the phone to Bobby talking about having some rumpy pumpy with him to create a baby and then she crashes into a lorry causing an explosion. DALLAS

​

5. Following Skylar Kimble's murder, Kit Marlowe dyes her hair blonde before phoning Angela Channing saying "This is Skylar Kimble". FALCON CREST

 

[Victoriafan3]

It’s Pamela all the way...

1. The scene in the Hong Kong hotel with Sue Ellen where Pams says ‘if you don’t let me see him I’ll buy that damn clinic!’ Very assertive. This Pam ROCKS!
2. Pam’s fab new do where she gets the call that Mark is dead :-(
3. Pam’s last scene talking on the phone to Bobby before she blows up
4. Pam’s scene in the dream season where she starts to lose her cool under the pressure about selling her shares on the phone right before Mark romantically resurrects in her life
5. Pam’s call from Afton in France about Katherine setting her sights on Bobby

 

[Victoriafan3]

Honourable non-Pam mention near the end of Dallas 80-81. Sue Ellen and JR were just starting to get close again and the phone rang and was told Kristin had a baby boy. Bit of a mood killer ;-)

 

[Jock Og]

1) Ellie takes the call from South America: This moment had to happen sooner or later. Jock would've been happy though that this year's BBQ coincided with his return. However after the next episode DALLAS commenced a new era. Jock was watching over all his oil, cattle and Southfork, from that great oil field in the sky - DALLAS.
2) The phone conversation between Alexis and Morgan Hess: Yes Blake's ex wife was going for everyone ding dong dust. In those early days of the California oil saga Alexis wanted info on her competition and Krystle's history was brought up, to Hess on the phone. Also who was going to pay for a new jacket, for Mr. Hess? Guess who? - DYNASTY.
3) Pam's final phone call to Bobby: The Romeo and Juliet story was almost over but it wasn't before the former Ms. Barnes went up in flames. This was after she said to Jock's favourite son that she could've more family - DALLAS.
4) This is Skylar Kimball: It is like hell but anyway Angela believed the impostor Kit Marlowe and so did Peter Stavros (Skylar's stepfather) who the real Skylar had not clapped eyes on, for 30 + years. Kim Novak's storyline was a very far fetched but enjoyable start to Jeff Freilich's FC time - FALCON CREST.
5) Angela's phone call from Meredith: A new character in season 6 would help make things difficult for Angela's sworn enemy Richard. This woman would become Michael Channing's new nanny and additionally work for the 'Grape Granny'. When Meredith responds to a job advert in the 'New Globe' Mrs. Channing has a rather funny phone conversation with her - FALCON CREST.


Chao-Li passes the phone to Angela, on the veranda. The family are having their breakfast, (a scene from season 6, 1986 - '87):

Chao-Li: "Mrs. Channing a call from Meredith Braxton."

Angela: "Oh yes! Hello."

Meredith: "Mrs. Channing I was wondering if you had seen this morning's 'New Globe'?"

Angela: "Yes I have."

Meredith: "Classified ad; prominent Tuscany Valley gentleman seeking nanny."

Angela: "Yes."

Meredith: "Could that have anything to do with us?"

Angela: "It could."

Meredith: "That's all I need to know."

They finish the telephone call. Angela looks pleased. The others are puzzled as to what she is smiling about. Her plan against Richard (involving Meredith) is taking shape.