Who called who what and when

[James from London]

Dec 89. Danny calls Amanda stupid, a flake and always depressed. Gary calls Amanda depressed, a high school senior who doesn’t know who she wants to go to the prom with and a crazy woman. Tom calls his mother a great woman, a hell of a mother and a drunk who locked him out of the apartment so she could make it with her boyfriends. Greg calls Paula a very attractive woman. Greg calls finding a woman with a modicum of intelligence and personality that he can hang out with a problem. Paula calls herself a last-minute diversion. Linda calls herself difficult, critical, judgemental and not a lot of fun to be around. Paige calls herself not a child. Greg calls himself not a teenager anymore. Dr Barzeeza calls rape not an act motivated by sexual longing. Danny calls rape a depressing subject. Amanda calls Danny a rapist. Gary calls Danny a liar. Val calls Amanda a sick person, a jealous ex-wife and Gary’s demented lover. Val calls her engagement ring gorgeous. Val calls Karen her best friend. Eric calls Michael his oldest, closest friend. Olivia calls Polly friendly and Miss Auto Parts R Us. Olivia calls Michael the greatest cousin in the world. Linda calls Michael the only person who’s ever liked her for who she is. Linda calls her marriage to Eric a mistake from the beginning. Linda calls Michael’s new car beautiful. Linda calls Olivia’s new car great. Harold calls Olivia’s new car not all that great. Michael calls a Sandy Koufax baseball card a great gift. Harold calls Michael an all around good guy. Mort calls Michael a good sport. Karen calls life pretty darn good (at least, if you want it to be). Karen calls rapists people that you or I could know. Dr Barzeeza calls rapists sociopathic and consummate conmen and manipulators. Val calls Danny a gentle man, sensitive and not capable of doing what Amanda has accused him of doing. Paula calls Greg a very sexy older man who can have anyone he wants. Paige calls Mrs Richfield an old bat. Tom calls Paige too compulsive about her career. Paige calls Mack’s constant interference in her personal life outrageous. Mack calls cops creatures of habit. Mack calls Tom a nice guy. Tom calls Coleridge his favourite poet.

 

[James from London]

Jan 90. Willis calls Pomerantz dead. Michael calls Mary Frances dead. Willis calls Mary Frances’s death a tragedy. Tom calls Mary Frances’s death a professional hit. Mack calls Mary Frances’s death a professional miss. Mack calls himself Tom’s date and the other woman. Mary Frances calls Jane a nice woman. Karen calls Laura a wonderful woman. Karen calls Olivia a woman who had a dozen credit cards of her own. Gary calls Val stubborn and a crazy woman. Eric calls Linda stubborn and incapable of simply stating a fact. Eric calls his marriage to Linda a lost cause for reasons he doesn’t even know. Linda calls herself not a child. Greg calls himself not the best father but he’s not to blame for all the ills in the world. Bob calls himself not married and only thirty-six. Greg calls Bob a trip. Greg calls his director of security services a million laughs. Paula calls Greg’s career incredible. Olivia calls Gary incredible. Val calls herself afraid of Gary. Karen calls Gary afraid for the kids. Karen calls Meg Mary Frances’s father’s daughter. Greg calls Mary Frances a herbivore. Mary Frances calls Greg completely isolated, like a B-52 pilot dropping bombs who doesn’t see what happens when those bombs fall. Mort calls Greg the goose that lays Paige’s golden egg. Tom calls Greg the victim’s daddy, a celebrity and a big shot. Tom calls Paige still hung up on Greg. Paige calls Tom jealous of a man whose daughter just got killed. Val calls Amanda jealous of Danny’s happiness. Val calls Danny a man nobody else likes. Val calls Amanda and Jill crazy women. Harold calls Olivia one woman who’s very easily bugged. Karen calls Linda an attractive woman alone without her husband. Karen calls herself the last person to give Paula advice on who to date. Ricardo calls himself cute. Harvey calls Olivia Harold’s cute wife. Michael calls Harold a real estate tycoon. Eric calls Michael a corporate superstar, the problem in his marriage and a punk. Mack calls Michael responsible, bright and a good man. Mack calls Pomerantz the bookkeeper for the Oakman Industries pension fund and the type of person who only cares about protecting himself. Willis calls Oakman’s employees temporary personnel who only hang around to get their pension funds and when they do they quit. Greg calls Oakman Industries’ pension plan poorly managed but in every respect properly and legally maintained. Mack calls Greg the one who’s been robbing these people blind, the most corrupt man he’s ever known and slime. Paige calls Greg an absentee parent. Joe calls Tom head over heels for Paige. Tom calls Joe as tasteless as he is stupid, a killer with an IQ of forty, Einstein and a psychopath. Paula calls Mary Frances a fine Catholic name.

 

[James from London]

Feb 90. Paula calls Carlos a paid employee who comes to the hospital with Greg’s pyjamas. Greg calls Oakman Industries a B-movie monster, always showing up, always haunting him. Greg calls the Sumner Group one of the largest privately held corporations in the world. Amanda calls Gary the best phone pal a person ever had. Tom calls Paige the only person in his life that has meant anything to him. Paige calls Tom the most persistent person she knows, infantile and too young for Anne. Paul Galveston calls Tom a lot younger than Greg. Greg calls his security team clowns but they’re his clowns and a bunch of rejects from the Police Academy. Greg calls Robert a lapse in his daughter’s good judgement. Anne calls Robert the madman who shot Greg. Mack calls himself someone who hates Greg. Danny calls Gary someone who deliberately discredits him with the twins behind his back. Mack calls Danny the new stepfather on the block. Robert calls Greg one hell of a father, a major imperialist exploitative capitalist pig and exactly as Mary Frances described him. Mary Frances calls Greg a lousy father, just like his father. Paula calls Paul Galveston a lousy father and an immoral man. Danny calls himself the twins’ father. Gary calls Ben legally the twins’ father. Gary calls himself proud to be the twins’ father. Mary Frances calls the twenty-two years she was alive a wasted opportunity for Greg to be a father. Mary Frances calls herself the one who was cheated. Tom calls Mack the one who asked him for his help in the first place. Karen calls Tom probably not as bad as Mack thinks. Michael calls Greg not as bad as Karen thinks. Paula calls Greg not as bad as Mack thinks, paralysed and afraid of being hurt so he alienates himself from the people who want to be close to him. Linda calls Michael afraid of a good idea, afraid to enjoy life, afraid to fall in love and as pathetic as his brother. Eric calls Michael a nice guy. Frank calls Tom a great guy. Mack calls Tom exactly the kind of guy he wanted Paige to fall for, an Oakman stoolie, a crooked cop, so dirty he stinks, a liar, a scumbag and a coward. Ricardo calls himself not Tom’s best friend like in some buddy picture. Greg calls himself and Mary Frances not close. Greg calls Mary Frances not his biggest fan. Dianne calls herself Karen’s biggest fan. Jeff calls Karen the best, a beginner who thinks she knows it all and an instant celebrity type. A TV reviewer calls Karen relaxed enough to bring her own son onto the set for a hug. A TV reviewer calls Open Mike the thinking person’s talk show. Karen calls Open Mike her show. Karen calls Mack cold-blooded. Mack calls camaride a dangerous product. Baylor calls camaride an effective product. Baylor calls Jeri’s death a stupid mistake. Mack calls Meg’s goldfish dead. Karen calls Meg’s goldfish very sick. Amanda calls Danny sick, dangerous, toxic waste and a slimy son of a bitch. Arnie Zimmer calls Tom slime. Arnie Zimmer calls Mack Mr Know it All. Paul Galveston calls Paula Missy Long Legs. Mary Frances calls Paul Galveston a selfish tasteless contemptible bore and a horrible model for a boy to grow up with. Mary Frances calls self-pity a cosy self-satisfying feeling. Robert calls killing Willis satisfying. Bob calls life life. Anne calls life short. Anne calls hotels impersonal. Linda calls the job market terrible.

 

[James from London]

Mar 90. Mack calls Pat stubborn. Karen calls Frank stubborn. Karen calls Paige as stubborn as Mack. Ginny calls Val as stubborn as the day is long. Val calls herself Valene Ewing Gibson Waleska of the three husbands and the three broken marriages. Greg calls himself a living breathing argument against marriage. Anne calls marriage just another way to keep attorneys off the streets. Olivia calls her marriage to Harold ridiculous. Danny calls his marriage to Val the most important thing in his life. Val calls love the most important thing in your whole life. Val calls herself the worst mother in the world. Wayne calls Karen the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Greg calls Anne the only woman who’s ever kept him at bay. Harold calls Olivia’s skin softer than anything he’s ever touched. Peggy calls Danny not the nicest person on earth. Danny calls Val a deceitful dependent neurotic bitch. Karen calls Dianne Queen Bitch. Karen calls Greg an awful person. Anne calls Greg a bad boy. Anne calls Mack an old sourpuss. Anne calls Tom the pretty little policeman Paige is dating. Anne calls Paula Paulette. Dianne calls Karen Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. Dianne calls herself cheated and resentful. Anne calls herself a little devil. Paige calls Tom no angel. Tom calls himself not a cocker spaniel and not some one night stand. Paige calls Anne not a normal person, a cartoon and a caricature. Paula calls Anne Miss Party Time. Paula calls Greg Mr Indestructible and monumentally, colossally boring. Tom calls family not boring and worth working for. Jeff calls Dianne obnoxious, bordering on malevolent, but not always wrong. Olivia calls herself not a codependent like they talk about in the meetings. Olivia calls Harold a liar, a crook and a thief. Val calls Danny a liar, an evil man and capable of absolutely anything. Val calls Gary the kind of father that helps the mommy make the baby. Val calls Ben the kind of father who helps the mommy take care of the baby. Gary calls Ben a real father to the twins. Bobby calls Ben not a real real father. Betsy calls Gary her real father. Gary calls Abby a terrible role model.

 

[James from London]

Apr 90. Paige calls herself the flavour of the month. Tom calls Paige his prize. Paige calls Tom a romantic. Mack calls Tom a lying cheating kneecap-snapping cop. Greg’s detective calls Tom a model detective and dirty but slippery. Greg calls Tom loyal and brave and true, a thief and not a man of character. Val calls Gary a new man. Val calls Danny an infestation you can’t get rid of. Frank calls himself the husband of the woman Danny ran over and his nightmare. Mrs Richfield calls any woman today who has the courage not to wear diamond a gem. The investigating cop calls Karen safer than the average high school teacher. Jeff calls Karen too nice to admit she’s nice, totally lacking in vanity and such a real person. My Love Always calls Karen his best friend. My Love Always calls himself Karen’s truest fan. Jeff calls My Love Always a creep. Mack calls My Love Always a weirdo. Karen calls My Love Always a maniac. Karen calls My Love Always’s letters pathetic. Michael calls the Ugly Dog vicious and insane. Michael calls Mort also vicious and insane but in a different way. Harvey calls Mort a sore loser. Mort calls Eric crazy to divorce Linda and an absolute complete knucklehead. Bobby calls Fats Domino old.

 

[James from London]

May 90. Anne calls My Love Always a crazed admirer. Dianne calls My Love Always a deranged fan. Wayne calls himself Karen’s biggest fan and ashamed. Linda calls herself ashamed, embarrassed, a failure, a loser and a little depressed. Mort calls himself a passionate conservationist. Detective Crossley calls himself a vulgar American. Danny calls America a great country. Wayne calls working for Karen the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Val calls Pat’s death the most awful terrible thing that could ever happen. Danny calls the Knots gang the most hateful group of people he’s ever known. Danny calls Pat the only person who was nice to him in this town. Danny calls Julie a little brat. Danny calls his image shot to hell. Anne calls Tom a hell of a lot better than Paige’s last boyfriend. Mack calls Tom a lowlife boyfriend, a crooked cop and his prospective son-in-law. Gary calls Mack’s tie crooked. Danny calls Gary a nice red-blooded, All-American, rosy-cheeked guy. Mack calls Wayne the guy who’s been writing the letters to Karen. Karen calls Linda not invited. Greg calls Linda a defenceless underling. Greg calls Paige a trusting soul. Anne calls Paige strong-willed, just like her father. Frank calls Pat strong as an ox. Dr Carrol calls Pat’s pupils fixed and dilated. Dr Carrol calls Pat clinically dead. Danny calls Pat alive, not dead. Frank calls Danny scum. Frank calls himself so lucky Pat married him. Dianne calls Karen very lucky to have a husband like Mack and Miss Goody Two Shoes. Jeff calls Dianne no Little Mary Sunshine. Jeff calls Wayne a thief. Wayne’s landlady calls him never any trouble, a very polite person and the kind of tenant every landlord wants. Dianne calls Wayne a very dangerous man. Karen calls Dianne not as bad as she pretends to be. The cops call My Love Always not some innocent crackpot who is unaware of the illegality of his actions. Val calls her and Gary not a couple. Val calls Gary very stubborn and vindictive. Karen calls My Love Always’ letters very inappropriate and suggestive.

 

[Mel O'Drama]

Dr Carrol calls Pat’s pupils fixed and dilated.

This made me chortle and now I feel guilty.

 

[James from London]

Sep 90. Claudia calls Meg a beautiful child. Anne calls Paige’s stockings beautiful. Val calls Texas beautiful. Val calls Pat’s service beautiful. Frank calls Pat a beautiful woman. Anne calls women women. Anne calls men jerks and fraidy-cats. Mack calls Greg and Tom jerks. Paige’s parrot calls Tom a jerk. Paige calls Tom a man who was, and maybe still is, a crooked cop and who left her at the altar. Frank calls Danny the man who killed his wife. Val calls Gary a man that she’s married twice already. Karen calls Jeff a very attractive man. Karen calls Linda Lucretia Borgia. Mack calls Linda and Michael an item. Mack calls Greg and Claudia oil and water, the snob and the slob. Mack calls Claudia the smart one. Claudia calls herself the class nerd. Mack calls himself one of the guys who make fun of the guys using carphones. Val calls Mack everybody’s dream husband. Val calls Gary a missing person and her fiancee. Tom calls Paige a better person than he is and macho. Paige calls Anne the cheapest rich person she’s ever known. Anne calls Paige and Tom destined to be together. Anne calls Tangle Mist her shade of lipstick. Anne calls Mack as curious as the rest of us. Mack calls expressing an opinion a parent’s inalienable right. Mack calls Danny an S.O.B. Danny calls Kimmy a little hypocrite. Val calls Danny evil and the most cynical, hypocritical … Gary calls Danny as low as a … Danny calls himself as low as a snake’s belly, as low as mud in a swamp and as low as cow chips under your boots. Danny calls the experience of jail good for him. Gary calls the experience of jail too good for him. Mack calls Greg not good enough for Paige. Greg calls Tom a gangster in a B-flick, a sparkling conversationalist, a mutt and a thief. Tom calls Greg’s tough-guy routine counterproductive. Paige calls Greg’s attitude offensive. Greg calls Claudia his big sister and a vulture. Claudia calls herself a professor of physical anthropology. Claudia calls Anne broke, a bitch and lucky to have such a close relationship with her daughter. Claudia calls Mary Frances the daughter who died. Greg calls Kate an imitation of a daughter he’s gonna be joining soon enough anyway. Greg calls himself a dying man. A spokesman for the Sumner Group calls Greg healthy as sin. Mort calls Greg Mr Indestructible. Claudia calls Greg self-absorbed, not the effusive type and Kate’s only uncle. Anne calls Greg a devil. Anne calls Paige childish, a typical woman and a bit young for Greg. Kate calls Paige pretty young to be working at the Sumner Group. Paige calls the Sumner Group a holding company with subsidiaries in New York etc. Paige calls herself not interested in Greg’s money. Frank calls himself a statistic. Frank calls Julie a statistic.

 

[James from London]

Oct 90. Paige calls herself miserable. Paige calls Tom fickle. Paige calls Greg a jerk. Anne calls peach a little pale for Paige’s complexion. Greg calls Paige the skinny blonde who used to be in this office and a hell of a lot better-looking than either Mort or Bob. Greg calls Claudia a spider. Greg calls himself a dying fly. Claudia calls herself Greg’s straight man. Mack calls himself a husband who thinks Karen looks great in bright colours. Mack calls Meg a little girl who wants to get out in the sunshine. Mack calls Michael and Karen both very stubborn. Val calls Karen not her old self yet. Val calls Danny despicable. Danny calls Seaview Circle a garden of Eden where all the lawns are perfectly manicured, all the barbecued weenies are made of turkey and all the neighbours are hypocrites. Danny calls Karen quick to condemn him on her TV show and a dope addict. Danny calls Mack an overgrown boy scout. Danny calls Val a little whore. Danny calls Val and Gary not exactly married during Bobby and Betsy’s less-than-immaculate conception. Danny calls Gary a saint. Karen calls Jeff a saint around here before he died. Jeff calls himself a dead man, a man of energy, wit and integrity, and no Ted Bundy. Mort calls Paige no rocket scientist and Goldilocks. Greg calls Mort Rich Little. Gary calls Karen a pollyanna. Karen calls herself not a pollyanna, not now, not after what was done to her. Anne’s lawyer calls filing for bankruptcy not a disgrace. Sgt Levine calls Danny not well-loved, a mean drunk and a bastard. Claudia calls Greg not a nice person. Kate calls Greg and Claudia exactly alike. Claudia calls Anne a flibbertigibbet. Anne calls Greg cavalier. Anne calls Greg’s fixation on Paige a male midlife thing. Anne calls herself not the sort of woman who would hold a little thing like a lousy liver against a man and the sort of woman who could help a man through a midlife crisis, or an end of life crisis. Karen calls life precious. Gary calls life short. Sgt Levine calls life a puzzle. Sgt Levine calls himself loathe to point out the obvious. Val calls herself Danny’s widow. Lieutenant Guthrie calls Frank a widower with a grumpy teenager. Frank calls Sgt Levine good cop to Lieutenant Guthrie’s bad cop. Lieutenant Guthrie calls Danny the one person everyone hates. Dianne calls Jeff a big sissy.

 

[James from London]

Nov 90. Greg calls Claudia the kind of sister a brother grows to hate. Greg calls Nick cute and a rich Italiano. Nick calls Paige a very suspicious daughter. Paige calls Anne bizarre, a saint and a New York socialite. Paige calls herself the company centrefold and some poor little innocent thing who’s gonna be taken advantage by the big mean wily fox. Paige calls Mort obnoxious. Paige calls Bob a doormat. Paige calls Greg perverted. Paige calls Tom Mr Psychologist, more old-fashioned than Greg Sumner is and he’s twice his age, and jealous. Paige calls Tom’s jealousy tragic. Tom calls Paige twenty-six years old, a bitch and a spoiled immature big-league wannabe who doesn’t know her own mind. Mort calls Paige an early bird. Mort calls Greg the worm. Claudia calls Greg a giant of American industry, self-absorbed and a very proud man. Anne calls Nick a goon, not very much fun when he gets into a mood and the rudest man. Linda calls herself the rudest person on earth. Tom calls Greg the most macho man that he’s ever met. Greg calls himself the last person in the world Kate wants negotiating with her mother. Gary calls Val the most beautiful bride he’s ever seen. Nick calls Anne a very beautiful woman and not the first attractive woman that has tried to take advantage of his employer. Tom calls women flaky and childish. Paige calls Tom’s view of women primitive. Greg calls Paige as good as they get. Michael calls Linda a good cook. Linda calls her and Michael takeout experts. Linda calls Val Michael’s mother’s best friend. Danny calls Val Rapunzel. Danny calls himself Rumpelstilskin. Danny calls Julie a little teenage punk. Julie calls school boring. Frank calls school not half as boring as Julie’s life is about to become. Karen calls life too important to get aggravated over meaningless things. Dianne calls Karen an egomaniac. Mack calls Karen a little too cheery. Mack calls Frank under suspicion for homicide and a miserable witness in his own defence. Mack calls himself a volunteer on a goodwill mission. Nick calls himself a barrel of laughs compared to the man Mr Conti will send to replace him. Karen calls herself lucky to have Mack and the kids. Karen calls Val and Gary made for each other. Gary calls himself too old to enjoy marriage to the queen of her own drama. Val calls Gary melodramatic. Val calls her and Gary not exactly typical newlyweds. Gary calls Ginny not exactly a typical aunt. Karen calls Val not superstitious. Claudia calls herself not the least bit superstitious. Frank calls himself not worried. Jason calls George Michael not disco and OK if you don’t want to think. Jason calls the new George Michael video kind of lame. Paul calls Return of the Living Dead Pt 2 a weekday special - 99 cents if you return it before six.

 

[James from London]

Dec 90. Alex calls Linda an invaluable asset. Greg calls Linda the lowest trainee in this organisation. Greg calls Ruth a lousy wife and a crummy mother. Kate calls Paige her mother’s future sister-in-law, Aunt Paige and too busy to go Christmas shopping. Kate calls herself all shopped out. Nick calls himself old enough to know that money isn’t everything. Nick calls Anne the bride and the mother of the bride. Anne calls herself a second-year med student and a poor person. Anne calls Claudia a nosy cow. Nick calls Claudia a mucca ficcanaso. Claudia calls every person on this earth as valuable as everyone else, every soul as important and as precious as the next. Anne calls Claudia dishonest. Anne calls Tom dirty. Tom calls Paige the company centrefold. Greg calls Paige a world champion, lightweight division. Greg calls himself a rare vintage. Greg calls his new liver a keeper. Greg’s doctor calls his donor a twenty-five-year-old caucasian male in excellent health and a non-drinker. Claudia calls Paige twenty-six and very sweet. Frank calls Jason fifteen years old. Frank calls himself Julie’s dusty old daddy and the daddy from hell. Mort calls Paige hell on wheels, Little Miss Junior Executive, Little Miss Matheson and Mrs Greg Sumner. Mack calls himself Mr High & Mighty and the one who reported the abuse. Mack calls Karen Mrs Claus. Greg calls Karen and Mack great parents. Mack calls Meg a great girl. Mack calls Jason a little piece of garbage, a high school dropout and a low rent JD. Jason calls himself not a dropout. Charlotte calls Jason not a foster child. The doctor calls a person with a temporal lobe seizure not violent. Paige calls Greg not her fiancee, vicious, hateful and a son of a bitch. Bobby calls Gary a son of a bitch daddy. Betsy calls Bobby a big chicken. Jason calls Mack really big in the sermon department. Jason calls his father dead. Charlotte calls Jason’s father active in the PTA.

 

[James from London]

Jan 91. Mack calls Dick a father who beats his son. Anne calls Greg Mack’s new son-in-law. Val calls Gary a son of a bitch. Mort calls Paige a bitch, 0 for 2 in the wedding league and Señorita Rubia. Mort calls Linda Señorita Listo. Mort calls Greg Señor Jefe. Paige calls Mort Alexander Haig. Bob calls Greg Howard Hughes. Betsy calls the hermit crabs Leonardo and Michelangelo. Val calls the hermit crabs cute. Gary calls Val sick. Jason calls himself sick. Charlotte calls herself sick of Spoon River Anthology. Steve calls himself the tennis police. Anne calls herself the one who ate a dozen cookies after the Christmas church service and a lot thinner before the holidays. Mack calls Anne eccentric but at least she covers her rear end in public. Jason calls Mack some kind of pervert who hangs around kids’ houses in a little red Santa suit. Frank calls Jason an extremely obnoxious kid. Dick calls Jason rude, headstrong, a liar, a wise guy, more than he can handle and his precious little angel he’s shackled with. Paige calls Linda openly rude. Michael calls Paige living proof that a good title doesn’t bring happiness. Paige calls Greg’s prenuptial agreement completely one-sided. Mack calls Greg the worst person on earth. Mack calls himself the last person on earth who has any influence on Paige or anyone else for that matter. Val calls Karen the world’s most perfect mother and so naive sometimes she could scream. Anne calls Claudia practically the mother of the groom. Dick calls losing a mother awful. Dick calls KFC lard on a drumstick. Dick calls Mack so damn smug. Charlotte calls mucus the proper word for boogers.

 

[James from London]

Feb 91. Claudia calls Steve a fraud. Paige calls Steve some idiot without insurance and a moron. Steve calls Paige an airhead, preoccupied with materialism and heavily into stereotyping. Steve calls Kate superstitious and kind of short. Kate calls Steve a really cute guy and her brother. Kate calls Steve’s voice unmistakable. Gary calls Val’s style unique. Val calls Gary’s hands filthy. Mack calls his work hours flexible. Karen calls Meg blessed to have Mack as a father. Paige calls Mack a father who would go to jail to protect a kid off the street. Val calls Gary a father who locks up his children’s own mother so he can carry on with another woman. Steve calls Claudia the woman behind the woman. Mack calls Linda that woman that didn’t show up for dinner tonight without even a phone call. Greg calls adrenalin a very attractive quality in a woman. Nick calls Val a crazy woman. Gary calls Val the kind of person that always gives people the benefit of the doubt. Val calls Anne Paige’s freeloading gold-digging slut of a mother. Paige calls Sprinkles that damn dog. Anne calls Sprinkles a bad dog. Kate calls ‘real sad’ bad grammar. Kate calls Claudia stodgy. Kate calls herself the hottest player since Monica Sellers. Linda calls Michael the kindest sweetest person she has ever known. Karen calls Linda the rudest nerviest most self-centred guileful person she’s ever had the misfortune of meeting. Michael calls Linda a bore. Linda calls her research reports more fun than Michael will ever be. Linda calls Valentine’s Day a commercial holiday. Linda calls herself an employee without even enough seniority to get two full weeks of vacation every year. Nick calls himself Dimitri. Steve calls himself all too trusting and pure of heart, an excellent photographer and the son Claudia gave away. Mr Denby calls Dick desperate to get his son back. Dick calls Karen and Mack the final judge and arbiter of his life. Dick calls Meg a beautiful daughter. Paige calls herself the daughter of an idealist. Charlotte calls herself the original arachnophobe. Frank calls himself a meat and potatoes man. Anne calls Gary a rich man. Paige calls Anne so rich she could buy Gary Ewing three times over, a sleaze and a mother who would steal from her own child. Betsy calls Anne her new Sunday school teacher. Nick calls Anne Betty. Betty’s relative calls Betty’s other relative a maniac who beat his wife. Betsy calls Jessica S a girl in her class that Bobby’s in love with.

 

[James from London]

Mar 91. Wacky Astrology Woman calls Frank a Libra. Frank calls Julie way too young to be thinking about safe sex. Frank calls Charlotte a nice woman. Steve calls Paige a beautiful woman. Nick calls Anne a beautiful woman. Nick calls women vain. Paige calls men such jerks. Paige calls Steve as big a jerk as his uncle. Claudia calls Steve someone who’s going to cause us all a lot of grief. Claudia calls Greg the coldest cruellest most unfeeling snake in the grass. Steve calls Greg a pompous self-satisfied potato. Steve calls the Sumner Group a disgusting corporation. Kate calls her and Greg the closest thing to family Steve has. Greg calls aggressiveness and stupidity a fatal combination. Val calls her haircut stupid. Paige calls herself a very angry human being. Nick calls himself Dimitri, Guiseppe and Carlo. Jason calls Mack the only adult who ever stuck his neck out for him.

 

[James from London]

Apr 91. Mort calls LA Law his favourite TV show. Steve calls Mort a brown-nosing chiseler and so full of himself that if you stuck a pin in him he’d burst. Steve calls Bob a very sweet well-intentioned lemming who’d probably leap off the top of a building if Greg told him it was for the good of the company. Mort calls Bob crazy about Diane Sawyer. Bob calls Diane Sawyer very intelligent. Bob calls himself a newshound. Steve calls himself the low man on the totem pole. Kate calls herself out of step with the times. Linda calls herself determined, goal-oriented and mythically evil in Karen’s mind. Doris calls Linda a glorified librarian. Doris calls Eric a little slow. Karen calls Eric and Michael a little naive. Karen calls Michael a nice decent human being. Steve calls Anne nice. Steve calls working at the Sumner Group interesting and nice. Greg calls interesting and nice boring words. Greg calls motherhood over-rated. Karen calls herself a lousy mother. Greg calls himself a lousy husband but a heck of a guy to hang out with. Paige calls herself highly offended by Greg’s substantial lack of judgement. Paige calls Linda that cow and an attractive blue-eyed blonde ready, willing and able to take on all comers. Linda calls Helvetica all wrong for Mrs Richfield. Greg calls Linda a beautiful woman. Linda calls her and Karen strong-willed women. Karen calls Linda a hateful person and plain manipulative. Michael calls Linda not as bad as everybody thinks. Kate calls Paige not the worst person on earth. Jason calls himself the luckiest kid on earth. Charlotte calls Jason the school’s regional finalist for next year’s Junior Year Abroad Scholarship. Jason calls Dick the greatest American hero of all and a son of a bitch. Jason calls Horace a jock. Julie calls Horace a jock who gets straight As and a jerk. Karen calls Greg a jerk. Paige calls Steve a jerk who’s so full of himself he doesn’t have room for food, condescending, critical and a snob. Linda calls Paige a rich snob who looks down on anyone who has to work for a living and who treats anyone in service as subhuman. Mack calls Paige his lovely wonderful darling intelligent friendly daughter. Mack calls Karen very free with advice. Greg calls Mack the president of his fan club. Greg calls Claudia totally obsessed with his money. Claudia calls Greg impossible. Claudia calls the Sumner Foundation a personal slush fund. Steve calls his van big, roomy and so trashed he can park it anywhere.

 

[Seaviewer]

Mort calls LA Law his favourite TV show.

The irony of that was of course lost on non-U.S. viewers unaware of the scheduling. It make me smile now, though.

 

[James from London]

May 91. Steve calls prison the loneliest ugliest rat hole on the face of the earth. Mack calls Fosboros Chemicals the worst toxic polluters on the West Coast. Claudia calls Gary the sweetest man. Karen calls Gary the groom. Karen calls Val the bride. Karen calls Jason and Julie good kids. Frank calls Jason and Julie not an item anymore. Mrs Richfield calls Paige not an architect. Julie calls Pat not a criminal and a good guy. Karen calls Jason a pretty nice guy. Val calls Gary a wonderful guy who loves her and she loves him right back. Paige calls Steve a good guy and a great assistant. Val calls Kate a great kid and a natural with the horses. Kate calls Claudia a liar. Claudia calls Paul a charismatic rich older man and an ogre. Greg calls Paul one of the great son-of-a-bitches of our time and a socially irresponsible money-grubbing degenerate. Steve calls Paul an amoral pig and his biological father. Gary calls himself old enough to be Kate’s father. Greg calls himself Steve’s half-brother. Steve calls himself abandoned, impoverished, accused, arrested, ignored, rejected and subsidised. Greg calls Steve his genetic soulmate. Greg calls Claudia tighter than a screw in cement. Claudia calls Steve unpredictable, especially when he gets in one of his violent states. Claudia calls Greg out of his mind. Greg calls Linda the best. Linda calls Brian the best. Paige calls Brian a jerk. Brian calls Paige really nice. Linda calls Paige dull, dull, dull. Detective Linton calls Paige the last person to see Mr Johnston before he disappeared. Bob calls the Sumner Group’s contemporary approach to junior executive training the paragon for most business courses. Anne calls robbery an aphrodisiac.

 

[James from London]

Sep 91. Paige calls seeing your mother naked on every newsstand in Los Angeles embarrassing. Paige calls Greg a man to be afraid of. Greg calls Joseph a man of vision. Joseph calls himself a man with an equation. Anne calls herself strictly legitimate. Jason calls himself sort of a mess. Karen calls herself some sort of a vigilante. Karen calls Jason a boy she loves. Sam calls Karen a freaking hero. Ida calls her and Fred dirt to Karen. Karen calls Danny Morgan dead. Dr Callichio calls Danny’s death a fluke. Mack calls Danny’s death an accident. Mack calls Karen not guilty. Paige calls herself innocent. Greg calls Paige fired. Paige calls Pierce a terrible influence. Pierce calls Gary the Ewing that never happened, the prodigal son and a pretty lost guy. Pierce calls Joseph the future of the profession. Pierce calls himself one of those people who didn’t get California (but thinks he’s catching on). Greg calls Pierce Paige’s head cold and Paige’s flavour of the month. Greg calls himself an unscrupulous businessman. Greg calls Gary a maniac, not a businessman. Greg calls Kate’s apartment a little spartan for his taste. Claudia calls Kate her whole life. Val calls Lilimae the brightest person in the world. Benny calls Estelle Billings of Des Moines the last significant female flopper. Benny calls McGeary’s a glossy magazine for old dames. Anne calls Benny a humanitarian and a louse.

 

[James from London]

Oct 91. Police Commissioner Kimble calls Linda a piece of goods. Detective Markham calls Linda murdered. Mack calls Linda a tough little lady. Mack calls Karen a little melodramatic. Karen calls Sam mindless and malicious. Karen calls Anne a glorified stripper, the talk of the town, a debutante and an heiress. Ward calls Anne an overnight symbol of liberation to women over forty. Paige calls Anne the Mother Teresa of ageing exhibitionists. Val calls Anne incredible. Benny calls Anne some kind of hit. Benny calls the Karen Mackenzie Show a launchpad. Karen calls herself a journalist not some publicity flak for Anne Matheson. Benny calls Tangerine Ice not in Anne’s colour palette. Greg calls Brian not dead. Joseph calls himself not a speechmaker. Anne calls herself homeless, a bag lady, the little rich girl who’d always had everything handed to her and famous. Pierce calls himself crazy. Pierce calls Greg a worthy adversary. Claudia calls Greg an absolute pain in the you know what. Kate calls Claudia capable of anything. Debbie calls Frank too much with all this chivalry.

 

[James from London]

Nov 91. Anne calls the road out there strange and twisting. Anne calls Benny the King of Rock & Roll. Brian calls Jason Superman. Brian calls Karen a nice wife. Brian calls Meg Sumner’s little girl. Benny calls Anne the best girl in the world, preachy and the most beautiful bright intelligent whatever you want. Joseph calls Anne a very intelligent woman. Joseph calls himself in love. Brian calls Mr Wineke in love with Karen. Tony calls the Brian Johnston investigation colder than snow in Maine. Mack calls Brian wanted for murder and crazy enough already. Mack calls microwaves very dangerous if you have a pacemaker. Mack calls Meg bigger and brighter by the day. Brian calls Mack a good man, a lousy detective and the owner of some pretty good-sized bearer bonds. Jason calls himself, Karen and Mack sheep in a pen. Mr Wineke calls Karen his most lovely call on this route. Karen calls Mr Wineke lonely.