Most hilarious lines on Dallas.

[Lastkidpicked]

Some of the best lines are funny because are unintentional funny.

J.R. spent several episodes plotting to have Sue Ellen committed to a sanitarium. He carefully laid the groundwork for all of the other family members, so when he sprung the trap they would support him.

And when he finally gets his wish, and Sue Ellen is committed, he sees Dusty with her. The unintentionally funny line?

"That Farlow! Telling her that he would take care of her! It's all his fault she's there in the first place!"

In the history of bold lines, that has to rank right up there.

 

[Taylor Bennett Jr.]

@Lastkidpicked pointed it out somewhere else, but in the episode after Lucy's engagement to Kit Mainwaring was called off, JR was lamenting not being able to do business with Mainwaring Oil.

ah I found it! (copy/pasted from LKP's post)

Bobby: Kit Mainwaring is calling off the wedding to Lucy.
J.R.: No he's not. That boy is going to marry her no matter what.
Bobby: He's not marrying Lucy, and it's better for her if he doesn't
J.R. : Don't tell me "no". This refinery deal is just getting started.
Bobby: What about Lucy? Doesn't her happiness mean anything?
J.R. Lucy? What does she have to do with it?

 

[Swami]

JR after Mickey confirms he is a Trotter, not a Krebbs: "Well I'm sure I'll sleep more soundly knowing that!"

Swami

 

[Lastkidpicked]

JR after Mickey confirms he is a Trotter, not a Krebbs: "Well I'm sure I'll sleep more soundly knowing that!"

A wagonload of Krebbs's !

 

[Sarah]

I always found the line that Pam delivered to JR during the BD Calhoun season very funny.

"Don't try and convince me you're Little Red Riding Hood!" - when she's standing there, dressed head to foot in red!!!!

 

[Bill Dilks]

Swellen: "JR? Five letters..."water markers"
JR: "Bouys"

Just after Bobby and Pam got out of the water and walked by Lucy and her radio, Pam said something about liking the song playing. Lucy abruptly turned off the radio. Based on the five pilots and her improved relationship with Pam, and with Pam still recovering from her hayloft spill, I still find Lucy's action starkly out of place.

 

[Bill Dilks]

This, as seen in other threads, is my favorite...not so much the line by itself but also how it's delivered. I think it's exceptional.

In JOCK'S TRIAL (2), Virgil was asked if he followed a brawling Hutch and Jock outside of the bunk house. Virgil replied:

"I thought it best I stay put."

 

[Kenny Coyote]

I was just watching the episode where Mitch Cooper is interviewed by the doctor whose wife Mitch saved from choking to death in a restaurant. The doctor is trying to find out what interests him and Mitch starts out with: "What's exciting to me is..."

I couldn't resist making up the following line for him: "What's exciting to me is the possibility of finding a woman to marry who is a completely helpless woman who can do nothing on her own. She'd have to depend on me for everything. That's my idea of a perfect marriage."

 

[Chris2]

My favorite is when he says to Donna, “Sam Culver would spin in his grave if he knew you were letting some cowboy sweet talk you out of his hard-earned graft”. He manages to insult Donna, Ray, and Sam in one sentence. Impressive!

 

[Miss Texas 1967]

JR saying this with a straight face makes me laugh.

 

[Kenny Coyote]

"No, you can't! Not that slut with the child from that awful Italian! I won't let that happen"!

 

[Toni]

Most Katherine lines after that were hilariously bad, and I regret to say that with all my heart...she had probably jumped the "sharkette"...

​

 

[Swami]

JR to Clayton about Dusty "From what I hear he's not much of a man at all!".

Swami

 

[Lastkidpicked]

JR to Clayton about Dusty "From what I hear he's not much of a man at all!

And then to Sue Ellen,

"Maybe your boyfriend can rescue you in one mighty hobble."

 

[Bobby's the Best]

One of the silliest lines I remember from the series was when Afton Cooper made her first appearance (Season 4 Episode 11, "End of the Road, Part 1"). When Lucy introduces Afton to the family, JR gives the most gay sounding, Truman Capote-like "Hello" I've ever heard.

 

[Augustus355]

“Go to bed Sue Ellen. You know how you look like a haggard in the morning if you don’t get a full 8 hours of sleep” JR

 

[Willie Oleson]

I don't remember the exact quote, but something that Gary said about his family not being interested in Empire Valley because there was no oil in the ground.
Not that that doesn't make sense, but reading between the lines I thought there was something very tongue in cheek about that comment (eventhough it probably wasn't).
It made me laugh so I guess it qualifies.

 

[Miss Texas 1967]

About Michelle

 

[Kenny Coyote]

I was just watching season 7 and one of the funniest lines is John Ross, looking at Sue Ellen and very innocently asking: "Is something wrong with Peter"?

Ha ha! Where would they even know where to begin trying to answer his question?

 

[pete lashmar]

Barbecue 5.

Jamie pushes Marilee into the pool.

JR - Marilee, you alright honey....did it go up your nose?

Always has me howling.