Most hilarious lines on Dallas.

[Lastkidpicked]

(To Ray) "It pays to have Ewing blood in your veins, no matter how it got there!"

The scene that really shines light into J.R's thinking is pretty funny.

Jaimie has come to town with documentation that she owns one-third of Ewing Oil. In order to fight this, J.R. enlists Bobby and Ray. Basically, J.R. tells Ray that since Ray is Jock's son, and brother to J.R. and Bobby, Ray should join them in the fight.

And then when J.R. introduces his brothers, Bobby and Ray, to the lawyer he does it like this, "Hello Mr. Smith. I'm J.R. Ewing. This is my brother Bobby and this is our ranch foreman, Ray."

BHAHAHAHAHA! It's like, "The ranch foreman? What's he doing here?"

 

[Swami]

JR to Sue Ellen: "The only thing you've ever learned is vodka doesn't smell on your breath!"

Swami

 

[Top Jimmy]

JR to Sue Ellen: "The only thing you've ever learned is vodka doesn't smell on your breath!"

Swami

Some of JR's funniest lines were his insults to Sue Ellen. Another good one is:

"Sue Ellen, don't bother with that story on my account honey. We both know you're a lush."

 

[Swami]

Another JR to Sue Ellen: "That's something you might be able to see if you stopped looking at the world through the bottom of a glass!"

Swami

 

[Taylor Bennett Jr.]

“Next thing you know, that actress’s name is going to be Farrah Fawcett-Guzzler!”

 

[Jon Ewing Jr.]

Jr called Sue Ellen a Lush...

 

[Jimmy Todd]

JR to Sue Ellen while they're divorced when he finds out she's not seeing anyone:
"You got more action when we were married!"

 

[Lastkidpicked]

Cliff: I have some good news for you, J.R.

J.R: Oh? You've come down with a fatal disease?

 

[Swami]

Sly to JR: "Cliff Barnes is here to see you"
JR to Sly: "Tell him to get lost!"

Swami

 

[Swami]

Cliff: I have some good news for you, J.R.

J.R: Oh? You've come down with a fatal disease?

Another good one:

JR to Cliff: "You wouldn't recognise oil if it was dripping out of your crankcase!"

Swami

 

[Toni]

In the first two full seasons, Lucy was given the best wisecracks...

"Since when does Kristin belong to the old Cartel...?" (to J.R.)
"Muriel, you are short-sighted in more than one sense."
"I´m not better with men than your Sue Ellen..." (to J.R.)
"If you don´t have much time, you shouldn´t waste it..." (to Mitch, when she tries to get a date with him)
"If you don´t like J.R., then we already have something in common..." (to Casey)
"Ray, I don´t drink...I´m not Sue Ellen...!" (When she got high with those pills)

Born to do comedy...​

 

[Bill Dilks]

It's all in the delivery...

"Ya know somethin'? I have a feeling we better tie a string to him. 'Cause he's so filled with hot air, he's gonna take off"

"He (Cliff) can't have MUCH class if he sit down with you!"

Lush at the bar to Dandy before, then as he first sits down with Cliff in a booth.

 

[Swami]

JR about Cliff: "I can't believe how dumb that Barnes is, I'm surprised he even knows how to eat!"

Swami

 

[Lastkidpicked]

Here's a line that is funny only because of the delivery. It is Marilee Stone when she meets Jack:

"Well, is anybody going to introduce me to this handsome young man?"

What's funny about it is for the episodes up to this, we forgot all about Marilee. She wasn't on any of our minds at all.

Then, she suddenly swoops into the frame like a hawk swooping on a titmouse.

You could tell that Fern Fitzgerald was having a blast playing that scene.

I'm surprised she didn't knock the camera operator over!

 

[Bill Dilks]

I love JR's lines to Marilee, both at the Oil Baron's I think. (paraphrased).

"You'd better hurry Marilee before somebody gets your street corner."

"Why don't you jump on your broom and fly outta here."

 

[Toni]

I love JR's lines to Marilee, both at the Oil Baron's I think. (paraphrased).

"You'd better hurry Marilee before somebody gets your street corner."

"Why don't you jump on your broom and fly outta here."

I think he said the latter to Sue Ellen in his wedding to Cally...

 

[Top Jimmy]

Sue Ellen to JR when he asks her where Miss Ellie is (after Sue Ellen caught him in bed with Holly and right before she throws a bottle of wine at him).

"She went away with Clayton. She can't stand the sight of you either!"

Another funny line - I don't remember it exactly, but JR was in bed with Katherine after blackmailing her and was somewhat insulting and Katherine commented that she didn't know why he was sleeping with her if he felt that way, and JR responded, "My favorite lady of the evening is out of town."

 

[Bill Dilks]

Harry McSween: "Blonde, brunette, or redhead?"

...when JR was forcing Beam out of town due to a possible phony rape charge.

 

[Balena]

"Joan of Arc would have been a drunk if she had been married to you!"

Sue Ellen to JR after having been insulted by him for being a drunk.
I know this isn't supposed to be funny as Sue Ellen is bitter and angry when she says these words, but I think it's kind of funny anyway.

 

[Swami]

JR to Cliff: "Read this, you do remember how to read, don't you?"

Swami