SoapLand - The Battle Of The Insults/Put-downs - The Result

[Richard Channing]

Soapland had more than it's fair share of mean men and shady ladies, and it also had more than it's fair share of confrontations, many of which included nasty remarks and bitchy put downs. So we're looking for those insults, remarks and put-downs that one character used to put another one in their place, or to just outright humiliate them. From throwing shade, to below the belt remarks, to out and out verbal smackdowns.

There's a hell of a lot to choose from so, although naturally we all get inspired by each other's lists, I would encourage people to rack their brains and try and come up with at least a few original ones too. That way we get more variety and it's more fun. Not mandatory of course, just a suggestion.

Also, please include who said it and to whom it was said. And anyone who wants to include any background to the comment or extra relevant information is welcome to do so, of course.

Oh, and honourable mentions are most welcome too if you find you have too many!

 

[Alexis]

Oh this one is going to be so hard to remember what the exact line was and from what episode/season it was. I'll have a look for a few I remember on YouTube and then see what others post here.
Off the top of my head there are a few Abby and Karen exchanges from Knots Landing that could be great. Laura from Knots was also great with the snappy put downs. Of course there are a multitude of nonsensical Dynasty put downs, like, "I'd rather dance naked in a rainstorm with a Chimp in a fur coat than sip your budget Cava and chow down for now on your silver skin onions flown in from Nice, or the isle of Greece. You miserable half sister of Kirby's mother whore!"

 

[Richard Channing]

Oh this one is going to be so hard to remember what the exact line was and from what episode/season it was. I'll have a look for a few I remember on YouTube and then see what others post here.
Off the top of my head there are a few Abby and Karen exchanges from Knots Landing that could be great. Laura from Knots was also great with the snappy put downs. Of course there are a multitude of nonsensical Dynasty put downs, like, "I'd rather dance naked in a rainstorm with a Chimp in a fur coat than sip your budget Cava and chow down for now on your silver skin onions flown in from Nice, or the isle of Greece. You miserable half sister of Kirby's mother whore!"

I was actually totally on board for this being a Dynasty quote until I got to the silver skin onions!

 

[Alexis]

I was actually totally on board for this being a Dynasty quote until I got to the silver skin onions!

I believe it was in season 4 episode 37. Jeanette said it to Alexis as she was cleaning Krystle's commode. Alexis was trying to bribe Jeanette for information with fancy drinks and nibbles that a poor person like her wouldn't have seen. She also brought out the Robinsons thick cut marmalade.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Tip: James from London's "who called who what and when" threads.

 

[Daniel Avery]

[rubs hands together and grins mischievously]

 

[Snarky Oracle!]

Sadly, our Nonsense Insults thread for DYNASTY died when the Moldavian terrorists massacred Ye Olde Soapchat.

 

[Toni]

More quotes from "Dallas" in these pages from my site:
https://sites.google.com/site/mundodallases/origen/star-biographies
https://sites.google.com/site/mundodallases/origen/episode-synopses

This video may also be helpful:

From "Knots Landing":
https://sites.google.com/site/mundodallases2/knots/episode-synopses

From "Falcon Crest":
https://sites.google.com/site/supersoapsfalconcrest/home/episode-synopses

And, ahem, also from "Dynasty":
https://sites.google.com/site/supersoapsdynasty/home/episode-synopses

 

[Willie Oleson]

1. Constance's 50% Of Shade - THE COLBYS

Sable (during an argument about Jeff and his inheritance): What am I supposed to say? Dear Constance, I wish I had half your integrity, half your wisdom, half your sense of honour?

Constance: But you do, Sable. You do. Almost exactly half.

The reason why this insult stands out for me is that they manage to maintain a level of civility. After all, these two women are supposed to be (at least wealth-wise) the crème de la crème of SoapLand. And somehow that makes it extra bitchy.


2. The Gay Trashes The Tramp - DYNASTY

Fallon: Sammy Jo is common trash, everybody knows it!

Steven: And what are you, Fallon? Uncommon trash? A million dollar tramp?


3. Mirror, Mirror On The Wall - KNOTS LANDING


Knots Landing does the unthinkable by tearing down the carefully constructed imago of the romantic soap diva.
Valene: How can anybody love you? How can anybody want you? Look at you! You look like a man, you're flat as a board.
Skinny arms, long sad face etc etc. Stupid little sweet Valene.

None of this would have had any effect if, say, Mandy Winger had said that to herself. Because Mandy Winger is anything but all those things.
But Valene is kinda flat, and she is kinda skinny, and she does have sort of a long face. But we ignore these things because we like to adore our soap divas.
And that's what makes it such a daring insult.


4. His Father's Son - DALLAS


John Ross: I was shocked too! Who knew that Elena could be such a...thieving whore?

The soaps had many bitch and whore insults, but I like John Ross' gleefully malicious way of saying it. In this scene, the insult really has the effect of ammunition.


5. Is She Or Isn't She? - DYNASTY


Claudia: You allow the treachery. And that makes you the most dangerous Carrington of them all.

The effect of the insult is softened by the fact that the insulter is known as an emotionally unstable person. But, considering the history of these two women, it's not so hard to understand why Claudia would say something like that.
Of course we all know Krystle as being one of the most loveable characters in SoapLand, but Claudia is not exactly a villain, and this is also not an insult for the heck of it.
Where there's a smoke, there's a fire? Or not? Somehow, it lingers.

 

[Daniel Avery]

1. Greg, Ruth, and Laura have a contentious dinner at a Knots Landing restaurant; Laura tries to walk out, and Greg offers to leave with her: "No, darling. Why don't you stay here and have dinner with mommy, because if she's left here with nobody to pick on she might just start gnawing on her own arm!"

2. KL's Abby quizzes Olivia about boyfriend Harold: "How old is he?"
Olivia: "Are you wondering if he's too old for me, or too young for you?"

3. KL's Paula: "I didn't realize women like you still existed."
Anne: "I'll take that as a compliment."
Paula: "You would."

4. KL's Lilimae, to Gary after Val has left him and won't tell where she went: "If she wants to inform you about her whereabouts, she knows where to reach you---at least during the day! You'll just have to stir in your own juices, although I'd much rather see you boil in oil."​

5. KL's Crazed brain-virus Val had shown up at Paige's looking for Anne, then stormed out. Gary then showed up looking for Val.
Gary: "Well, did she say anything?"
Paige: "She said mother 'wasn't going to get away with it,' that she was a 'freeloading, gold-digging slut'....I didn't know she knew mother so well!"

Honorable mentions:
Karen Fairgate, confronting Sid's first wife Susan Philby: "I knew you'd be a formidable adversary. I didn't know you'd be so utterly devoid of decency."

Paige, after walking in on Linda undressing in Greg's office: "I'll be sure to knock in the future. I hate to disturb a professional at work."

Val, upset about Amanda's accusations about Danny: "I'm getting so tired of the crazy women in your life, Gary! First Jill--"​

Gary, interrupting: "Crazy women? Crazy women?! Look who's talking!"

 

[Richard Channing]

Steven: And what are you, Fallon? Uncommon trash? A million dollar tramp?

How can anybody love you? How can anybody want you? Look at you! You look like a man, you're flat as a board.
Skinny arms, long sad face etc etc. Stupid little sweet Valene.

Didn't think there'd be anyone on the list throwing shade at themselves! Most original Willie.

she knows where to reach you---at least during the day!

 

[Willie Oleson]

KL's Paula: "I didn't realize women like you still existed."

Ooh, I love this one!

 

[Alexis]

Honorable mentions:
Karen Fairgate, confronting Sid's first wife Susan Philby: "I knew you'd be a formidable adversary. I didn't know you'd be so utterly devoid of decency."​

This is kind of brilliant.

 

[Richard Channing]

1. Empty armed Madonna

There's nothing Alexis likes more than a low blow and this one is pretty low. Not only was she responsible for the death of Krystle's unborn baby, now she's mocking her about it too. Miserable bitch.

Alexis to Krystle: "I know what's wrong with you. The empty armed Madonna, mourning the baby that she couldn't have and the baby that she almost got to adopt....gone now...That is it, isn't it?"

2. The slut I'm looking at right now

Sue Ellen: "Tell me JR, which slut are you gonna stay with tonight?"
JR: "What difference does it make, whoever it is has got to be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at right now".

3. How sweet

Angela [sees Richard and Maggie kissing at Chase's memorial service]: “How sweet. Sharing your memories of Chase?”




4. The Mrs. Ewings

Abby to Jill: “Jill, let the second Mrs. Ewing give the soon to be third Mrs. Ewing a friendly warning. The first Mrs. Ewing doesn't go away....ever”



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmJXObC6K0k&t=277s (from 4.36)


5. Grief stricken

Sable to Alexis: “Your poor husband. I see you're grief stricken”
Alexis: “Yes. I understand you lost your husband too. Traded you in for your sister, didn't he?”

Honourable mentions:

DALLAS:

Sue Ellen to JR [commenting on his “concern” for Lucy]: “Somehow the role of social worker just doesn’t fit you, JR. I’m touched by your concern for children … I’m just sorry you didn’t adopt me instead of marrying me.”

JR to Lucy: “Why don’t you get that junior plastic surgeon husband of yours to design you a new face – one without a mouth.”

Sue Ellen: “Lucy, you haven’t been very fortunate in your choice of men. Maybe this time you’ll be luckier.”
Lucy: “We can’t all be as fortunate as you, Sue Ellen.”

Jamie: "No wonder my father wanted nothing to do with the Ewings"
JR: "Well, it's a pity you're not more like him"

JR to Sue Ellen: “Why don’t you go to sleep, Sue Ellen. You know how haggard you look in the morning if you don’t get your full eight hours.”


DYNASTY:

Krystle to Alexis: “What are you doing here?”
Alexis: “I've been asking you that question for years and I still haven't heard a satisfactory answer”

Alexis to Krystle: “I'm really not sure about these pearls, they're so dowdy, they might look good on you...”

Alexis to Neil McVane: “Get out of my sight you miserable has been”


FALCON CREST:

Chao Li to Angela: “Shall I serve the brandy after dinner?”
Richard: “Why wait? Pour it on her now, and light it”

Melissa to Terry:”What's the occasion?”
Terry: “Michael's been so busy at work, I guess you could call this his coming out party”
Melissa: “Let's hope the next one is your going away party”

Terry to Angela: "I'm afraid I don't understand"
Angela: "Really? You mean we're too subtle way out here? Or should I talk to you in street vernacular?"


THE COLBYS:

Sable to Frankie: “I don't give a damn about you, or your little bastard, you slut!”

Sable to Connie: “Eavesdropping Connie? Maybe we should get the keyholes raised to eye level, it'd be easier on your back”

Sable to Connie: “You remember you asked me whatever happened to Sabella Scott? That girl that came into this house all those years ago and made Jason happy.
Well she's back”
Connie “In one hell of a disguise”


KNOTS LANDING:

Abby: [talking about Val's attempted suicide] "Olivia, something terrible has happened".
Olivia: "What? Did you run out of eye make-up?"

Paige: "You don't know the meaning of the word trust!"
Anne: "Sweetie, yes, I do".
Paige: "The only kind of trust you know has the word "fund" behind it".

Anne to Karen: "You with your little tract house, your little dead-end street in your little dead-end life with your outdoor barbecue and your "Kiss the Cook" apron. It all makes me sick".

 

[Richard Channing]

Karen to Anne: "You with your little tract house, your little dead-end street in your little dead-end life with your outdoor barbecue and your "Kiss the Cook" apron. It all makes me sick".

Can anyone confirm if it was actually Karen who said this? It seems like it should be the other way around? I found it on a site with KL quotes and it's also on IMDB. But this doesn't seem like something Karen would say. Anne, yes.

 

[James from London]

Can anyone confirm if it was actually Karen who said this? It seems like it should be the other way around? I found it on a site with KL quotes and it's also on IMDB. But this doesn't seem like something Karen would say. Anne, yes.

Yeah, it was definitely Anne. I think she was on the phone to Karen and Mack was standing in her doorway listening.

 

[Daniel Avery]

Karen kept trying to cut the call short and hang up on Anne as Anne got increasingly bitchy, but of course Anne couldn't quit while she was ahead. In the same call,

Anne confessed that she did not really intend to commit suicide, that she had it planned for Mack to find/save her---and to "bring Mack to his senses".​

 

[Willie Oleson]

Honourable mentions:

I didn't do that but it's such a fun topic, so here's some Bitching Extra Time:


The last comment seems to suggest that the insult was meant to be taken metaphorically.
But one of the things we I hate the most about Jamie happens to be...her mouth. So, like the case with Valene, it seems odd that the writers would draw the audience's attention to a realistic flaw. Because soap babes are supposed to be sexy and pretty, and well - perfect.

The most bizarre, and maybe nastiest insult ever is actually not an insult at all.

Because it's not really about that nurse. She's just emphasizing and exaggerating her victim-y situation (none of the Carringtons bothered to tell her about LB).
It's totally realistic, it's how real people talk when they want to lash out.
And yet, to criticize a supporting cast member - in a such a glamorous and not so realistic setting - seems extremely vile and inappropriate. It's not bitchy-funny or anything like that.
After all these years I still don't know what to think of it. It's just...bizarre!

 

[Daniel Avery]

It's a shame that I cannot recall any of FC/Angela Channing's best insults. I have this general remembrance of Angela having such great reaction shots and withering remarks, but it's been so long since I've watched FC that the only one I vaguely recall was how she referred to Apollonia Kotero's character as "that Babylonia Creature".

 

[Willie Oleson]

"Krystle Jennings Carrington, the oh, so sterling, once and maybe future secretary".