SoapLand - The Battle Of The Insults/Put-downs - The Result

[Richard Channing]

It's a shame that I cannot recall any of FC/Angela Channing's best insults. I have this general remembrance of Angela having such great reaction shots and withering remarks, but it's been so long since I've watched FC that the only one I vaguely recall was how she referred to Apollonia Kotero's character as "that Babylonia Creature".

 

[Richard Channing]

The last comment seems to suggest that the insult was meant to be taken metaphorically.
But one of the things we I hate the most about Jamie happens to be...her mouth. So, like the case with Valene, it seems odd that the writers would draw the audience's attention to a realistic flaw. Because soap babes are supposed to be sexy and pretty, and well - perfect.

That whole scene was so much fun. In fact, it was gonna be in my top 5. I love how he just wipes that smile off her face when he says, "Well, it's amazing what a few thousand dollars can do" and then just proceeds to wipe the floor with her. Love it.

 

[Willie Oleson]

and then just proceeds to wipe the floor with her. Love it

I think it would have been interesting if - for once - someone had agreed with JR. But everyone else is so painfully nice and understanding (an unpleasant family member is sniffling at your family fortune, hellooo! time to panic!)

 

[Willie Oleson]

I have this general remembrance of Angela having such great reaction shots and withering remarks

I think she was very good at situation comments, putting people down because of what was going on at that moment. Making the situation worse than it already was.
But I don't recall much person-to-person bitchery, not like JR and Alexis.

off-topic:
One of the funniest scenes, I don't remember the exact dialogue - they were all sitting at the breakfast table with sad and angry faces.
And then someone (Emma?) made a comment about the moody atmosphere and Angela said something like: No reason to be cheerful! We got work to do!
I don't think I could have done that scene without bursting into laughter.

 

[tommie]

It has to go to Alison Parker aka Melrose Place's doormat:

 

[Mel O'Drama]

1. The Rude

I hate the way you chew your food...

Gary to Jill - Knots Landing

NOTE : Over the past couple of days I’ve spent many hours forwarding through Season Ten unsuccessfully trying to find the scene where Gary explicitly tells Jill everything he hates about her using intimate knowledge gained in their relationship - from the way she does her hair to the noises she makes when she’s asleep. If anyone can pinpoint the episode or full quote I’d be glad to include it in full here.

It’s one of soap’s ugliest moments, made even more ugly because it (presumably) mirrored the deterioration in the off-screen relationship of the two actors.





2. The Breezy

I’m glad to see that your father had your teeth fixed... if not your tongue.

Alexis to Fallon - Dynasty





3. The Insult Added To Injury

That’s your gift - such as it is. You have the gift of making people - especially Gary, but not only Gary - say ‘Poor Val’. ‘Poor Val isn’t responsible for the way she feels. Or the way she acts. Or the way she is. You can’t blame Poor Val because she’s Poor Val. She can’t help being just a little bit crazy.’ When you get enough people saying that, then pretty soon they forget that Poor Val takes advantage of their pity. How Poor Val’s as self-centred as they come. How Poor Val needs ‘em to keep saying ‘Poor Val’ because it’s her excuse to be a child. And it absolves her of her absolute selfishness. Poor Val.

Jill to Poor Val (as she prepares to murder her) - Knots Landing





4. The Quick Emasculation

Poor, lonely Joseph. Still the impotent voyeur.

Alexis to Joseph - Dynasty





5. The Five Syllable, Plain English Takedown

You are such a slut.

Laura to Abby - Knots Landing













And the runners up...

I just love the way you stand by your men, Sable. What a pity they won’t lie down with you.

Alexis to Sable - Dynasty

Krystle Jennings Carrington. The oh-so-sterling once - and maybe future - secretary.

Alexis to Krystle - Dynasty

Nobody’ll come right out and say it, but everybody thinks you’re crazy. Not a little touched. Not a little disturbed. Crazy!

Jill to Val - Knots Landing

Don’t be a slave to fashion.

Abby to Karen - Knots Landing

Good lord, Alexis. I don’t know why you don’t grow a pouch and carry [Adam] around like a kangaroo.

Pouch? You mean like the one that you’re developing?

Sable vs. Alexis - Dynasty

How sweet. So maybe we can all have the pick of her next litter.

Alexis, about [and in front of] pregnant Sable - Dynasty

It takes brains to know when to be scared, honey. And since that's something in short supply around here, I'm gonna help you. Now is the time to be scared.

JR to Kristin - Dallas

 

[Mel O'Drama]

It has to go to Alison Parker aka Melrose Place's doormat

Melrose was a treasure trove of snappy one-liners. If I were including post-Eighties prime-time series I suspect my entire top five would be Amanda, Syd and Kimberly quotes.

 

[Daniel Avery]

5. The Five Syllable, Plain English Takedown

Heheh, I considered that one too, but decided against it since it involves Abby digging right back at her. Abby had been flirting with Richard right in front of Laura (and everyone else) so Laura and Abby ended up in the kitchen pow-wow...
Laura: "You're the one laughing and carrying on like you're on a date."
Abby: "That bothers you?"
Laura: "It makes me sick."
Abby: "You're so simple."
Laura: "You are such a slut!"
Abby: "Well, it takes one to know one, doesn't it?"
[Laura slaps the stew out of Abby]

It really was the official starting point of a long-standing feud that continued after Laura died, judging by Laura's comment in her funeral video:
"To Abby: just so you know I haven't lost my sense of humor...I have nothing to say!"

 

[Karin Schill]

1. The Rude

Gary to Jill - Knots Landing

NOTE : Over the past couple of days I’ve spent many hours forwarding through Season Ten unsuccessfully trying to find the scene where Gary explicitly tells Jill everything he hates about her using intimate knowledge gained in their relationship - from the way she does her hair to the noises she makes when she’s asleep. If anyone can pinpoint the episode or full quote I’d be glad to include it in full here.

It’s one of soap’s ugliest moments, made even more ugly because it (presumably) mirrored the deterioration in the off-screen relationship of the two actors.

I think it was right before she died. Maybe in Poor Jill?

 

[tommie]

Melrose was a treasure trove of snappy one-liners. If I were including post-Eighties prime-time series I suspect my entire top five would be Amanda, Syd and Kimberly quotes.

You deliberately destroyed my relationship with Jake without coming to me, without asking for an explaination?! You took Chas's word, shaped it into a very long knife and stabbed it into my back. Of all of your neurotic stupid, ill-timed antics, this is the worst!
https://www.google.com/search?clien...DdAhUFiYsKHeP2BtMQkeECCCQoAA&biw=1366&bih=657
I only said...

SHUT UP. Just shut up and listen to me - Chas is gone. He's fired. And my first instinct was to fire you as well - but on reflection I realised, that is way too easy. No, Alison, I'm gonna do you the way you did me. And when I'm done? All you'll be left is with that proverbial wish that you've never been born. Now... I believe we have clients waiting.

 

[Alexis]

The most bizarre, and maybe nastiest insult ever is actually not an insult at all.

Because it's not really about that nurse. She's just emphasizing and exaggerating her victim-y situation (none of the Carringtons bothered to tell her about LB).
It's totally realistic, it's how real people talk when they want to lash out.
And yet, to criticize a supporting cast member - in a such a glamorous and not so realistic setting - seems extremely vile and inappropriate. It's not bitchy-funny or anything like that.
After all these years I still don't know what to think of it. It's just...bizarre!

This is going to be in my top 5. I know it's awful and low, but like you say it's what real people do. That's how we vent and justify our point. It is Alexis speaking, you can see the cogs working and how she ticks. I think it's brilliant and one of the more realistic things she's said.

 

[Mel O'Drama]

I think it was right before she died. Maybe in Poor Jill?

I too thought that and Poor Jill was the first episode I scanned through, but didn't find it. It's entirely possible I just didn't spot it.

 

[Daniel Avery]

I think it was right before she died. Maybe in Poor Jill?

I'm not positive, but I think it was in "Without a Clue," episode 233. All that nuttiness tends to blend together after a while.

 

[Willie Oleson]

Could it have happened in season 9, when Jill was drinking?

 

[Mel O'Drama]

I'm not positive, but I think it was in "Without a Clue," episode 233.

Could be. I'll see if I can take a peek tomorrow.

Could it have happened in season 9, when Jill was drinking?

I'm fairly confident it was S10, when things really fell apart for Gary and Jill. But I'm less confident than I was a couple of days ago.

 

[James from London]

Could it have happened in season 9, when Jill was drinking?

No, I've just watched Season 9 and it wasn't then. No sign of it in the first seven eps of Season 10 either. (Funny, I realise now I've been subconsciously waiting for that scene too!)

 

[Top Jimmy]

That scene was in season 10. I believe it was a flashback scene of Gary's last encounter with Jill in her apartment, right before her death. It might have been in the episode after "Poor Jill," or the episode where the mystery of her death is resolved.

 

[Willie Oleson]

I believe it was a flashback scene of Gary's last encounter with Jill in her apartment

Gosh, I was almost convinced that it wasn't there at all!

 

[Richard Channing]

Gosh, I was almost convinced that it wasn't there at all!

Cause that's what Jill wants you to think. I think you're underestimating just how devious she is.

 

[Carrie Fairchild]

1: "You Sluuutttt!!!" - The Colbys

Frankie: Sable please. Think of what you're doing to Jeff. To the whole family.
Sable: I don't give a damn about your little bastard. Or you. You slut!

2: Dynasty Shade Off

Alexis: And I'm negotiating to buy the Carlton Hotel.
Dominique: I've heard. That's why I was in such a hurry to move out.
Alexis: Yes, well it was never meant to be a hotel for transients.

3: Dallas Marital Bliss

Sue Ellen: Tell me JR, which slut are you gonna stay with tonight?
JR: What difference does it make? Whoever it is has got to be more interesting than the slut I’m looking at right now.

4: Dallas Marital Bliss Pt2

JR: Mandy’s just fine – she’s at work.
Sue Ellen: Is there a convention in town? Or maybe the fleet’s in?

5: Knots Shade Off

Abby: You're not going to tell me where he is, are you?
Laura: Not if I value my job.
Abby: I don't think keeping Greg's whereabouts a secret has anything to do with YOUR job security.


As people were posting a few from the treasure trove that is Melrose, I thought I'd add a few from Central Park West.

Carrie: You're welcome to stay in my loft. Wear my clothes. Drink my champagne. You're even welcome to run up my phone bill with transatlantic calls. You're welcome to everything. Except my brother.
Rachel: How sweet. Nobody's good enough for Peter.
Carrie: I didn't say nobody. I said you.

Linda: You expect me to believe a two faced sociopath who's scaling the social ladder on her back?
Nikki: Isn't that how you did it, Linda?
Linda laughs and tosses red wine across Nikki's white suit.
Linda: Stay away from my husband. And my son.

Carrie: Shouldn't you be hurling your cheap rage at the man who cheated on you?
Stephanie: I reserve my cheap rage for cheap whores like you.