EastEnders Who called who what and when

[James from London]

Dec 03. Lewis calls Alfie the man with the fascinating shirts. Alfie calls Kat the most beautiful girl in the world. Kat calls Alfie the most wonderful man in the world. Spencer calls Alfie the best big brother that anyone could ever have. Kat calls marrying Alfie the single most important thing she'll ever do. Alfie calls himself a normal bloke who does normal things, a performing seal and a selfish little toe rag. Alfie calls David Walliams a plank and a crab stick. Spencer calls David Walliams a muppet. Ronny calls Martin a muppet. Martin calls Mickey a muppet. Ronny calls Mickey's mini bus a death trap. Mickey calls Ronny's goatee stupid. Ronny calls Tariq a mongrel. Tariq calls Mickey a fool. Mickey calls himself and Kareena the Brad and Jennifer of Albert Square. Kate calls Dennis and Den rotten to the core. Den calls Dennis a drama queen. Pauline calls Den a bad smell you just can't get rid of. Phil calls Den a jumped up Jack the Lad who got out of his depth. Den calls Phil a playground bully who built his reputation young then lived on it well past its sell by date. Kate calls Fake Sam a sad little girl trying to hide behind a big name. Phil calls Fake Sam his only hope. Kate calls Phil an armed robber. Phil calls Kate a slapper. Kate calls Graham cruel and sick. Alfie calls Graham Little Mo's fancy man. Kat calls Little Mo a temptress. Little Mo calls "Love Is All Around" by Wet Wet Wet one of her favourites. Garry calls "Love Is All Around" by Wet Wet Wet a soppy load of cobblers. Garry calls himself King of the Sensitive Dads. Den calls himself King of the World. Pauline calls herself a bossy old woman. Fake Sam calls herself the biggest fraud going. Mickey calls himself the most unpopular person on the planet. Barry calls himself no stranger to a full English and the odd burger. Dr Leroy calls Barry genetically predisposed to heart trouble. Barry calls himself and Janine two kindred spirits coming together in the wilderness. Dan calls the bookies a disgusting shop where people and lives and money go to waste. Dan calls Shirley lonely, pathetic and desperate. Shirley calls Dan crass, empty and out of date. Dan calls Adi a useless investment and a pile of waste. Dan calls Derek a gay. Kelly calls Spencer Stella McCartney. Dot calls them Slater girls nothing but trouble ever since they got here. Ron Moody calls Dot a sour faced old God botherer. Ron Moody calls Jim a big fat lump and a big girl's blouse. Patrick calls Ron Moody a vicious little stoat who must be slapped and made to apologise. Phil punches Dennis. Kat marries Alfie. Graham rapes Little Mo. Dan gets deported mid-storyline. Phil grows a beard and goes on the run for two years. Zoe and Kelly suffer post traumatic lesbianism after the mini-bus massacre.

Sue sounds mental. I read that she tried to kidnap Vicky Fowler and her exit was digging up a grave.

How dare she call mary a bitch.

Sue was lovely. She offered to adopt Michelle's unborn baby after her own son died.

There was a scene at her son's graveside where her other son was snatched (by her husband Ali, I think) and she flipped and started trying to dig up the grave with her bare hands. It was really sad.

Mary could be a nightmare. If memory serves, she slept with Ali for money and then blackmailed him over it.

 

[James from London]

Nov 09. Masood calls Ian Hugh Hefner. Ryan calls Archie Hugh Hefner and old Daddy Candy. Peggy calls Archie nothing but a lying two faced manipulative ... Billy calls Archie a proper diamond geezer. Archie calls Peggy Miss Marple, a cracking little bird, weak and vulnerable. Archie calls Janine a proper little Lady Macbeth. Janine calls Billy deadwood and a liability. Janine calls Peggy a battle axe. Peggy calls Ian a flaming vulture and a bloodsucker. Peggy calls Billy a little toe rag. Ronnie calls Peggy desperate and pathetic. Chelsea calls Libby pathetic. Lucas calls Owen pathetic. Owen calls Lucas a guy who thinks he's the leading man in the Book of Revelations, a God-bothering nut job, a maniac and a murderer. Denise calls Owen sick in the head. Chelsea calls Owen a monster. Chelsea calls Denise the Bride of Frankenstein. Denise calls Wuthering Heights a really weird story about love gone wrong. Masood calls Jane a very wonderful funny loving woman. Jane calls Ian the most irritating man she's ever met in her life. Darren calls Libby the most cleverest, most beautiful girl there is. Jordan calls Lucas the best dad any boy could ever hope for. Kim calls Lucas fit as a butcher's dog. Peggy calls Ricky a lapdog. Ricky calls Sugar a stupid dog. Ian calls Alan Sugar a fine businessman. Ian calls Oscar a one-man stink bomb factory. Ian calls himself a prophet without honour and too old to start again. Kim calls herself young and glamorous. Denise calls Kim blind as a bat but too vain to wear glasses. Kim calls Shirley a hard-faced cow. Shirley calls Denise a gobby cow. Dexter calls Kim a drunken cow. Kim calls Patrick a sexy hunk. Denise calls Patrick a naughty man. Kim calls all men lying cheating scumbags. Chelsea calls Dr Al a scumbag. Chelsea calls Roxy a brassy slapper. Minty calls Roxy a juicy roast chicken with all the trimmings. Minty calls Chelsea more your chilli-con-carne with just that extra bit of chilli. Dexter calls Chelsea ripe and sweet like a watermelon. Sam calls Ricky a kind sweet man, boring and all she's got left. Bianca calls Sam a cow. Sam calls Bianca a mad cow. Roxy calls herself a total cow. Ronnie calls Roxy in love. Ronnie calls herself a hundred and fifty thousand pounds out of pocket and pregnant. Ricky calls himself everyone's bleeding doormat. Chelsea slaps Denise. Denise marries Lucas. Lucas strangles Owen.

 

[James from London]

Mar 96. Kathy hatches Ben. Grant calls the name Ben a bit soft and no name for a Mitchell. Peggy calls herself a glamorous grandmother. Peggy calls Phil her little injured soldier. Ricky calls Peggy an interfering old cow. Sam calls Peggy a mental case. Bianca calls Sam pathetic, a tart, a rotten actress and Princess Diana on a walkabout. Carol calls Alan the Victor Meldrew of catering. Sanjay calls Nigel the Demon Lover of George Street. Ian calls Peggy Stormfuhrer Mitchell. Frank calls sex with Pat terrific, just like the old days. Bianca calls Frank a bit unhinged. Grant calls Frank a basket case. Frank calls Grant disgusting. Roy calls Frank a liar and a cheat who'll resort to any lowdown trick to get what he wants. Grant calls David a slimy git. David calls Ricky a selfish little sod. Sam calls Ricky heartless and a tease. Pat calls Ricky family. Willy's mother calls Pauline a bad woman. Pauline calls Willy's mother very sick. Willy's mother dies. Barry torches the portakabin with Phil inside. Blossom calls London a scary place.

 

[James from London]

Feb 04. Big Mo calls Graham a little sod. Big Mo calls Juley a cheeky beggar. Big Mo calls Dennis a small time gangster. Pat calls Big Mo a bit on the beefy side. Gus calls Big Mo Godzilla. Gus calls Kelly almost a bloke. Kelly calls Gus practically a girl. Juley calls Gus Bling Bling. Mickey calls hospitals all needles and vomit. Garry calls Mickey good cabaret. Ash calls Mickey gullible and a weirdo. Kareena calls Mickey a liar, a pervert and a filthy little creep. Kareena calls Tariq a filthy little liar, a lying little scum bag and evil. Ronny calls Tariq sick in the head. Ash calls Tariq a pathetic snivelling little kid crying and wetting himself. Ash calls Tariq's dead mum a real proper slag and a cruel selfish slapper. Tariq calls his dead mum an old cow. Tariq calls himself some manky old piece of meat that was left at the back of the fridge. Dot calls herself too conscientious for her own good. Dot calls Martin a very decent young man since he's been going out with our Son. Sonia calls herself a frump. Yolande calls herself a dab hand with the old sewing machine. Nana Moon calls milk cartons new fangled. Nana Moon calls Eastbourne a lovely place. Ian calls Laura pathetic and a scrubber. Ian calls Bobby Beale an ugly sprog. Minty calls Ian a little toe rag. Minty calls Fake Sam a minx. Sharon calls Fake Sam a scheming little bitch. Juley calls Sharon all a man could ever want and so much more. Sharon calls Angie's Den a good little earner and a burnt out shell. Andy calls Angie's Den a deathtrap and a millstone. Fake Sam calls Angie's Den a smoking ruin. Mr Shelby calls Charlie a man of previously exemplary character. Patrick calls calypso the great grandfather of reggae. Clyde from The Sarah Jane Adventures calls mento the great grandfather of reggae. Patrick calls Clyde from The Sarah Jane Adventures a bit too cheeky for his own good. Paul calls Clyde from The Sarah Jane Adventures a thief. Chizzy Akudolu takes Clyde from The Sarah Jane Adventures back to the kiddies' home. Charlie gets sent down for three months. Ricky buggers off for four years.

 

[James from London]

Mar 04. Tariq calls plastic plants epic wrongness. Adi calls Tariq a cheap little waster. Ian calls Garry a pathetic little loser. Laura calls Ian a sad little man. Juley calls Gus a chi chi man, a lickle bean head and a black man picking up a broom. Kat calls Juley P Diddy. Kat calls Andy a high flyer and a scum bag. Kat calls Graham a rapist and a scum bag. Alfie calls Graham a disease and a cancer. Alfie calls Nana Moon a silly girl and a dozy mare. Nana Moon calls Dudley Sutton her knight in shining armour. Kat calls Dudley Sutton posh. Alfie calls Dudley Sutton a plum, a clown and Mr Charlie Chancer. Alfie calls Kat dangerously gorgeous. Alfie calls Spencer a right mug. Spencer calls Vicki crazy and mental. Ash calls Vicki a spoilt little girl who just thinks of herself. Dennis calls Ash a lech. Sharon calls Ash old enough to be Vicki's father. Vicki calls Sharon and Dennis freaks, sickos and dirty. Janine calls Sharon and Dennis revolting. Den calls Sharon and Dennis incest. Sharon calls herself and Dennis two people who fell in love. Vicki calls Dennis a hypocrite. Den calls Sharon a slut. Andy calls Sharon vulnerable, isolated and practically a pariah. Kate calls Dennis with no trunks on everyone's dream. Dennis calls Pauline a toxic old witch. Pauline calls Dennis a disgrace and a man who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. Den calls Pauline smug. The Thin Club calls Pat Slimmer of the Week. Janine calls Pat a child killing drunk driving ex-hooker. Janine calls Natalie a plain ordinary little woman. Janine calls Paul a loser, a jealous bitter man and the picture of domesticity. Paul calls Janine pure evil, rotten inside and a sad and lonely nutcase. Paul calls himself a nasty piece of scum. Charlie calls himself an ex-con who paid off the man who raped his daughter. Kat calls Charlie a bully in his own home, chucking plates up the wall. Kareena calls the last month the worst of her life. Pat slaps Janine. Natalie slaps Janine. Janine slaps Paul. Pauline slaps Dennis. Kate's dad tops himself Oop North.

 

[James from London]

Apr 96. Derek calls Carol a slag. David calls Carol bitter. Jim calls Carol selfish. Carol calls herself a wreck, a frump, drab and a baggy old housewife. Bianca calls Carol a dreary old nag who don't give anyone a minute's peace. Bianca calls David the best looking bloke round Albert Square and a bit of a poser. David calls Cindy unbelievable. Cindy calls Essex all horse manure and white stilettos. Cindy calls Ben the spitting image of Grant. Grant calls Nigel a plonker and a git. Grant calls Lorraine too good for David. David calls Joe disturbed. Joe calls David a liar. David calls Ricky a liability. Mark calls Willy a liar, a prat, a creep and an ordinary bloke who's stolen twenty grand. Bianca calls Tiffany's dad a weirdo. Ted calls Tiffany bad news and cheap. Tiffany calls Ted a pig. Tiffany calls Tony a pig. Tiffany calls Grant a loser. Tiffany calls the Vic a morgue. Peggy calls Frank a flaming crook. Kathy calls Peggy the mother in law from hell. Peggy calls Phil a lying little toe rag. Phil calls Ben a little terror. Phil calls himself second best, a spare part, and Clare Rayner. Pauline calls Martin a sensitive little boy. Pat calls Roy the nicest man alive. Carol calls marriage a joke. Carol marries Alan. Derek punches Alan. David punches Derek. Carol says the N word.

 

[James from London]

May 07. Lucy calls Stella a nosy old bat. Lauren calls Tanya a grumpy old cow. Tanya calls Carly a dirty little slag. Carly calls Chelsea a twisted up sick bitch. Carly calls Sean a thoughtless useless piece of lard. Stacey calls Sean about as much fun as bum boils. Stacey calls Big Mo a lazy cow. Big Mo calls Bradley a carrot topped Casanova. Stacey calls Bradley a pathetic pervert. Tanya calls Stacey a bad influence. Tanya calls Max someone who lies for a living and a man that she cannot trust an inch. Max calls Tanya a hundred percent paranoid and a stupid cow. Max calls Rob a wife beater. Keith calls Rob a cheating lowlife. Dr May calls Rob a real pig. Rob calls Dr May barren, infertile, twisted, mad, insane and dangerous. Dawn calls Dr May a wicked cow. Dr May calls Dawn a chav, a wannabe WAG and a sticky little tart. Dr May calls Garry and Minty retards. Garry calls himself a good old English salt of the earth type bloke and sophisticated enough to appreciate the odd drop of Cava. Garry calls Billy under the thumb. Billy calls Phil an unexploded bomb that we all tiptoe around. Honey calls Billy one of the bravest men she knows. Ian calls Honey a silly dopey brainless tart. Erek calls Ian a man with the face of a rat. Erek calls Shirley the best looking English woman he see since he got here. Polish Builder No 2 calls Shirley a dirty lady. Chelsea calls Shirley past help. Chelsea calls Libby Walford's answer to Ugly Betty. Jim calls Dot Albert Square's answer to ACAS. Dot calls herself a great believer in layers. Dot calls Hitler a little man with greasy hair and a moustache like a toothbrush. Chelsea clouts Carly. Tanya whacks Max. Peter and Ben fail to drown in an expensive stunt.

 

[James from London]

Aug 13. Kat calls Bianca a cow. Alfie calls Jean a silly cow. Carl calls Joey a silly boy. Lola calls Peter a posh boy. Sharon calls Denny a sensitive boy. Ava calls Denny a little nightmare. Jean calls Ian a complete nightmare. Peter calls Cindy a flipping nightmare and a pain. Ian calls Cindy just like her mum. Denise calls Cindy’s mum quite a character. Denise calls Sadie a cheeky mare. Denise calls men weak pathetic creatures. Kat calls Harry and Tony two weak men who were so sick they took advantage of a child. Bianca calls Tony a horrible little pervert that has gone and topped himself and good riddance. Whitney calls herself a horrible person, an officially qualified nursery nurse and a proper party girl. Kirsty calls Lauren a beautiful smart funny girl and far more interesting when she's not slurring her words and falling over. Lauren calls herself an idiot when she has a drink. Carl calls Adam an idiot. Michael calls Tyler an idiot. Tyler calls Tony a scumbag. Michael calls Danny a scumbag, a weasel, a ferret, a mercenary little wretch and a virus with shoes on. Alfie calls Michael the weirdest bloke on the planet. Bianca calls Colin the most boring man in Walford. Fatboy calls himself the joke of Walford. Tamwar calls himself C3PO. Billy calls himself Nick Hewitt to Janine's Lord Sugar. Sam calls Sir Steve Redgrave a diabetic. Alfie calls Fatboy a one-eyed Lily Savage. Alfie calls Tyler a big tart. Alfie calls Kat beyond help and a lost cause. Poppy calls Kat's hands really lovely for a woman her age. Ollie calls Jean a lovely woman. Phil calls Shirley an old woman out for revenge. Dexter calls Peter an old woman. Billy calls Tara the ultimate woman. Kim calls Billy human polyester and the stalker type. Kirsty calls Carl a weirdo stalker. Carl calls Max a naughty man. Ava calls Sam a grown man with a paunch standing there with his tongue hanging out. Kat calls Carl a gorgeous sexy hot man. Jack calls Max the man who's just moved in with his bird. Max calls himself the man whose daughter's just come out of rehab. Big Mo calls Jean an undercover fruitcake whose daughter's on the run. Ollie calls having it off with Jean lovely. Whitney calls having it off with Joey a mistake. Janine calls having it off with Danny a moment of weakness. Michael calls Janine mercurial. Janine calls Danny bisexual. Michael calls Tamwar Double Maths.

 

[James from London]

Jul 88. Willmott-Brown rapes Kathy. Arthur, Den, Michelle and Kathy all call him a bastard. Den calls him a pervert. Pete calls him a slag. Pete calls Lou a bloody old bag. Pat calls Lou a canny old bag, an old witch and a cow. Frank calls Colin a lavender cowboy and Clause 28. Lou dies. The Dagmar burns down.

 

[James from London]

Dec 09. Aunt Sal call Ronnie anal. Roxy calls Ronnie a control freak. Roxy calls Phil a big bully. Roxy calls Janine a murderer. Roxy calls Sam a convicted murderer. Peggy calls Sam a stupid little cow. Phil calls Roxy a daft cow. Masood calls Phil and Max the worse kind of lowlife there is. Masood calls Max an evil evil man. Shirley calls Max a big man preying off single mums and their babies. Tanya calls Max a pathetic man who can't even share his problems with his wife. Peggy calls Phil a weak pathetic man who's brought this family to its knees. Peggy calls Archie a spineless pathetic lying cheating dirty old man. Ronnie calls Archie an evil old man, a desperate old man and a self righteous pompous old man. Ryan calls Archie a disgusting old man and an old freak. Archie calls Peggy his little East End girl. Peggy calls herself old East End, real East End, proper. Peggy calls Janine a tacky child bride and a tart. Ronnie calls Janine a grubby little tart and a hooker. Ian calls Janine the Square bike. Janine calls herself a vision of hot unobtainable womanhood. Janine calls Ian a weaselly loathsome little toad of a man and a little boy way out of his depth. Archie calls Ian a little boy who holds all the cards, a comical little bloke and a worm. Janine calls Ryan a little minnow trying to be a big fish. Zainab calls herself a whale and a pregnant sow. Ronnie calls her baby dead. Becca calls Walford a dead end. DCI Marsden calls Archie’s death a particularly brutal assault.

 

[James from London]

May 04. Alfie calls Kat a cheap little slapper. Andy calls Kat a world class slapper without two brain cells to rub together. Andy calls Kat's wardrobe the overflow from a sex shop. Andy calls Alfie a cheap cockney shyster, a dim little optimist and a sad little con artist. Dudley Sutton calls himself a sad lonely old duffer. Gus calls himself King Wally of Wally Land. Janine calls Pat bitter. Pat calls Janine an evil little cow. Janine calls Laura a mad cow and a stupid cow. Pat calls Laura dead. Natalie calls Janine a murderer. Janine calls herself a little girl who doesn't know any better than to hit out. Janine calls Paul an overgrown kid stuck at home with Yolande and Patrick. Kat calls Andy a sulky little boy who's throwing a tantrum because nobody wants to come out and play. Fake Sam calls Andy a big liar. Adi calls Ash a pathetic lying cheat. Garry calls Minty a lump of lard. Garry calls Bobby Moore the greatest England captain ever. Garry calls Bobby Beale the best thing that's ever happened to him. Charlie calls Bobby Beale the funniest birthday present he's ever had. Kat calls Charlie the best dad in the whole East End. Ian calls Bobby Beale a little brat, a little runt and Garry Hobbs's little sprog. Den calls Ian vile, vicious, priceless and a weasel. Kat calls Zoe pathetic, stupid, a dozy mare and a mug. Zoe calls herself not the sort of girl who spends the night with a bloke and instantly expects marriage and kids. Vicki calls Zoe and Dennis totally incompatible. Alfie calls Dennis an undesirable. Dennis calls Spencer Walford's answer to Muhammed Ali. Kelly calls Spencer the wimp of the century. Kelly calls Brad Pitt her ideal man. Kelly calls Vicki deranged. Vicki calls the Watts family a bunch of outsiders and misfits. Den calls Chrissie his wife and a trained beautician. Pauline calls Chrissie cheap and just Den's type. Den calls Love Story a terrible film. Chrissie calls Den Mr Sexist. Alfie calls Martin and Sonia the future Mr and Mrs Fowler. Alfie calls Nana Moon a blushing bride to be. Dot calls Sonia a bride to be what don't want to be in a bridal shop. Kat hits Alfie. Alfie hits Kat. Alfie watches a video of Kat having it off with Andy.

 

[James from London]

May 96. Tiffany calls marriage just a bit of paper. Ian calls marriage the best institution ever invented. Pat calls herself the biggest fool that ever lived. Arthur calls himself the luckiest man in the world. Peggy calls Pat not exactly Delia Smith. Pat calls Barry hardly Mother Teresa. Grant calls Nigel Walford's answer to Richard Branson. Tiffany calls Tony Richard Gere. Ian calls himself the intellectual type. Grant calls Ian an ineffectual pompous little git. Joe calls David a selfish git. Bianca calls Sanjay a lying git. Sanjay calls Bianca greedy and stupid. Gita calls Sanjay despicable and vindictive. Cindy calls her relationship with David special and different. David calls himself too selfish to love anyone. David calls Joe a cheeky sod. Grant calls Peggy overbearing. Grant calls Ben a perfect kid and a true Mitchell. Grant calls Ruth a risk and Mark an even bigger risk. Ruth calls Grant bigoted and ignorant. Pat calls Roy a liar, just like the rest of them. Pat calls Arthur really special. Ian calls Arthur the best. Felix calls Arthur a good man. Dr Legg calls Arthur a very special man. Nigel calls Arthur a really nice bloke. Peggy calls Arthur the salt of the earth and a great one for the community. Arthur dies. Michelle calls Grant's baby Mark.

 

[James from London]

Jun 07. Peggy calls chrome very now. Dr May calls an elective caesarian very celebrity. Marco calls Dot's hair very All About Eve. Dot calls Gigi one her favourite films. Jim calls Gigli a sordid sex film about a female homosexual assassin who can't talk without swearing like a navvy. Heather calls When Harry Met Sally not a sex film. Shirley calls Pat Paris bleeding Hilton, a hatchet-faced old boiler and a demented drag queen. Chelsea calls Bradley Whitney Houston. Bradley calls Marge the most pampered guinea pig in East London. Darren calls Streatham the other side of the world. Darren calls himself self-employed (well he will be once he finishes school). Jay calls himself sixteen. Keith calls himself an interesting man. Carly calls herself a moody cow. Heather calls herself a bit of a panda. Rob calls himself weak and a mess. Sean calls himself irresistible and skint. Dot calls herself a nonsmoker and the soul of discretion. Dot calls cigarettes a good friend. Dot calls Jim her best friend. Dot calls Tomas a perfectly normal little boy, a gift from God and the only one what matters. Dot calls Dr Legg the only person she could think of to turn to. Bradley calls Stacey the most important thing in the world. Stacey calls Bradley a nice bloke, not really a bloke-bloke and some puppy who just wet the floor. Stacey calls Deano an over-gelled ponced-up ladyboy. Stacey calls Chelsea pretentious. Chelsea calls Sean sick. Sean calls Carly really sexy when she's angry and a conniving cow. Carly calls Sean everything she despises in a bloke and one seriously sick individual. Peggy calls Sean a hit with the ladies. Peggy calls Genghis a dirty beast. Peggy calls Shirley a pain in the backside. Peggy calls Stella the best thing that's happened to her Phil in a very long time. Sylvia Syms calls Stella a witless girl and mutton dreaming it's lamb. Sylvia Syms calls Stella's taste in wedding dresses horrendously retarded. Rob calls Keith and Mickey Fraggles and inbreds. Keith calls Rob and Dr May a right pair of bleeding nutters. Rob calls Dr May poisonous, a pill-popping psycho- and rotten from the inside out. Dr May calls Dawn not exactly too posh to push. Chelsea clouts Kevin. Erek decks Deano. Sean bops Bradley. Dawn guffs like a bison, gets kidnapped by her GP and gives birth to a daughter.

 

[James from London]

Aug 88. Donna calls Pat an old bitch. Pat calls Donna a lying little schemer. Donna calls Cindy a cheap little tart and a health risk. Ricky calls Donna a dozy cow. Donna calls Ricky a little runt. Donna calls Frank a middle-aged skinhead. Kathy calls Joanne a snooty cow and a bitch. Pete calls Willmott Brown a cancer. Den calls Pete a prize pillock. Den calls himself the Ronnie Biggs of Walford.

 

[James from London]

Sep 88. Donna calls Sharon a bitch and a cow. Sharon calls Donna a stupid cow, a silly bitch and a pain in the neck. Mo calls Roly a dirty great fleabag. Wicksy calls Mo a nasty old cow. Ethel calls Mo a despisable horrible old cow. Pat calls Mo a twisted dried up old prune. Mo calls Pat a cheap floozy. Den is banged up. Officer McLeish calls Den a greedy nasty mean conniving little git.

 

[James from London]

Sep 13. Jean calls Lucy her father's daughter. Sam calls Dexter his mother's son. David calls himself a crap father and a very bad granddad. AJ calls David a cuckoo in the nest. Carol calls David a sad damaged little man incapable of any real feeling. Ian calls himself a sad pathetic human. Shirley calls Dexter pathetic. Shirley calls Phil collateral damage. Alfie calls Phil tough as they come. Alfie calls Roxy his peroxide princess. Alfie calls himself a bloke who has made himself a fool over love more times that he cares to remember. Abi calls herself the only one round here with half a brain. Max calls Carl a nutter with no brains. Ronnie calls Carl a grubby little backstreet dealer. Michael calls Ronnie an arch manipulator and a functioning psychopath. Kirsty calls Ian a twisted psycho who gets off on the attention. Ian calls Kim a woman who likes her food. Kim calls Shirley and Phil the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of Walford. Danny calls himself Walford's answer to Arsene Wenger. Sam calls himself the Lionel Messi of Albert Square. Dexter calls Sam the Lionel Ritchie of Albert Square. Ronnie calls Albert Square the one place she shouldn't be. Shirley calls Ronnie a poor cow. Shirley calls herself a jealous cow. Kirsty calls herself a mardy cow. Peggy calls Pat a silly old cow. Masood calls Pat a lovely lady. Kat calls Jean that poor little lady that couldn't eat or sleep. Kat calls Ronnie an old mate from school. Dot calls herself as old as her hair and a bit older than her teeth. Dot calls Shirley a straight talker. Carl calls Shirley a bit of a meddler. Carl calls Phil a lucky man. Lauren calls Max a wonderful man in every conceivable way. Dexter calls himself the man to go to for a kidney. Dot calls David a conman and Beelzebub in a cheap suit. David calls driving away from Carol the biggest mistake of his life.

 

[James from London]

Jul 96. Dan calls the Vic a dump. Carol calls the Square a dump. Peggy calls the Cobra Club a dump and a horrible dive. Nigel calls '70s Night at the Cobra Club one of the highlights of the year. Pauline calls Tony an immoral little drug pusher. Phil calls Tony your friendly neighbourhood dealer. Phil calls Dan a mug. Grant calls Dan a mess. Mel calls Dan a liar. Bianca calls Dan a vampire. Tiffany calls Dan a waster. Joe calls Pat evil and a murderer. Lorraine calls Joe silly, sulky, surly and unpredictable. Joe calls himself a prat and a moron. Bianca calls herself confused, lonely and soppy about babies. Tiffany calls herself pregnant, expecting, in the club, up the spout, a mother to be, a cow and confused. Cindy calls herself trapped, swamped, stifled and guilty. Pauline calls Cindy stupid. Alan calls Carol insecure. Frankie calls Carol jealous. Carol calls herself insecure and jealous. Carol calls Frankie tacky. Alan calls Frankie nice. David calls Alan a fool. Carol calls kissing David mad. Bianca calls Sam Cow Face. Peggy calls Mark sick, a dying man and part of the filth she's trying to get rid of in the community. Peggy calls Ruth contagious and a lying little cow. Sanjay calls Peggy an interfering old cow. Cindy calls Peggy a right cow. Nigel calls Peggy extreme. Peggy calls Nigel a stupid boy. Aunty Nellie calls Mark a brave boy. Bianca calls Mark gay. Mark calls himself an exhibit. Alan calls HIV a heavy thing. The inquest jury call Arthur's death accidental. Dr Khan calls Ben partially deaf in one ear. Pauline slaps Peggy. Joe hides Aunty Nellie's dead cat under his bed.

 

[Cookiescholes]

Dan Sullivan was around in 1996?

Do you write these from memory James? You have an incredible memory, if so.

 

[James from London]

Dan Sullivan was around in 1996?

No, this was a different Dan, Dan Zappieri. He was a drug dealing friend of Kathy's nephew, Tony. He was really fun.

Do you write these from memory James?

No! I put them on Facebook ages ago.

 

[James from London]

Jul 04. Patrick calls himself a ripe old soul from Trinidad. Juley calls Patrick a stale slice of history. Jane calls herself a very socially aware individual. Jane calls Ian's lasagne cack. Jane calls Ian's sausages horrible sacks of greasy filth. Den calls Ian a dog pressed up against the butcher's window. Ian calls Den an old grouch. Den calls himself a complete git. Den calls himself and Chrissie the couple from Hell. Chrissie calls Den vile, pathetic and a has-been Romeo. Kate calls Den a liar and a user. Den calls Kate a cross between Florence Nightingale and Julia Roberts, clingy, fragile and expendable. Kate calls Chrissie clingy, possessive and paranoid. Chrissie calls Kate a bitch, a liar, a cheap little slut and a greedy nasty dirty little whore. Chrissie calls Vicki a rotten liar, a stroppy madam and Vidal Sassoon's more talented daughter. Chrissie calls Sharon spoilt, selfish and Daddy's little darling. Sharon calls herself bitter and twisted. Chrissie calls herself a dozy mare, a betrayed woman and the one person who could have loved Den right to the end. Chrissie calls Ian a poor sap. Ian calls Pauline completely mad. Dot calls herself a bit wan. Garry calls gassing himself a mistake. Garry calls losing Lynne and the baby the best thing that ever happened to him. Charlie calls Garry an absolute disgrace. Charlie calls Cocktail a classic film. Pat calls Nightmare On Elm Street a dead scary film. Howard calls Minty the only bloke he knows who cried at Toy Story. Alfie calls Minty and Billy Laurel and flipping Hardy. Andy calls Billy a loser, a parrot and mutton dressed as mutton. Fake Sam calls Andy her future husband. Andy calls Fake Sam a kitten on Prozac. Kate slaps Den. Chrissie slaps Kate. Kate slaps Chrissie. Chrissie scalps Kate. Kate knees Den in the Wattsits. Yolande and Patrick get spliced. Lynne goes to Aunty Jean's and never comes back.